JMJ+OBT
"Land of Zebulun and land of Naphtali,
the way to the sea, beyond the Jordan,
Galilee of the Gentiles,
the people who sit in darkness have seen a great light,
on those dwelling in a land overshadowed by death
light has arisen." Mt4:15-16
This verse has appeared several times in the two Theology courses that I'm talking this semester: Christology and Mariology (a pretty epic combination if I do say so myself). Every once in a while in these course taught by two different awesome, old, wise, and holy Hungarian Cistercians Fr. Roch, and Abbot Denis, I feel like I get a brief glimpse into mysterious unity of just everything. It's like for a split second I see how certain aspects of our faith, of reality all tie together into a complete whole. They never last long and they're never much more than a feeling; I can never fully reconstruct the comprehensive understanding of that moment but still its like for a brief second I'm given the blessing of perceiving a little bit of truth. If it is as the Church says and ultimately Truth finds it concrete reality in the person of Jesus Christ, the Way, the Truth, and the Life, then those little flashes are in a way an encounter with God, all be it, one severely limited by our human finiteness and lack of faith. But they are a glimpse of God nonetheless even if as the apostle to the Gentiles says, "At present we see indistinctly, as in a mirror, but then face to face. At present I know partially; then I shall know fully" 1 Cor 13:12
Back to the first verse though, this quotation of Isaiah by Jesus has been at the center of a few of these "aha!" moments the last couple weeks. The start of Christ's public ministry in Capernum on the Sea of Galilee and His childhood in Nazareth were a scandal to the Jews. Even one of the future apostles, Nathaniel remarked, "Can anything good come from Nazareth?" when Phillip came and told him he had found the Messiah: Jesus, son of Joseph, of Nazareth. Nathaniel's consternation was understandable though for Nazareth a part of Galilee, as the verse from Isaiah says, was the land of the Gentiles, half pagan territory. That God chose to raise up the shoot of Jesse there among the impure was almost inconceivable to the Jewish mind of the time, a true "sign of contradiction." Through his Providence though, God's only son was raised in Nazareth, at least in part, to show from the very beginning that God's plan of salvation was for all people, not only the Jews. There is something so powerful to me in this verse from Matthew: "the people who sit in darkness have seen a great light, on those dwelling in a land overshadowed by death light has arisen."
Just as beautiful is the full prophecy from Isaiah chapter 8 that Jesus is quoting:
First [the Lord] degraded the land of Zebulun and the land of Naphtali; but in the end he has glorified the seaward road, the land west of the Jordan, the District of the Gentiles. Anguish has taken wing, dispelled is darkness;/ for there is no gloom where but now there was distress./ The people who walked in darkness/ have seen a great light;/ upon those who dwelt in the land of gloom/ a light has shone./ You have brought them abundant joy/ and great rejoicing,/ as they rejoice before you as at the harvest,/ as men make merry when dividing spoils./ For the yoke that burdened them,/ the pole on their shoulder,/ and the rod of their taskmaster/ you have smashed, as on the day of Midian.
Embracing the Catholic both/and approach I see at least two distinct meanings in these verses. The first is that we are the people who "sit in darkness". I especially like how the verb is in the present tense. It reminds me of Isaiah 65:1, "I was found [by] those who were not seeking me; I revealed myself to those who were not asking for me." In our stupor in the squalor of sin the great light of Christ has shown upon us and his message(the very next thing He says in Matthew after quoting Isaiah), "Repent for the kingdom of Heaven is at hand" has resounded through the night. As the Apostle says, "While we were still sinners Christ died for us." Rm 5:8. We did nothing to seek this light or the message of our salvation. We are powerless to save ourselves.
However this freely given gift of Christ, of Life itself, requires a response and therein lies the second meaning. "You are the light of the world," as Christ tells His disciples in the next chapter of Matthew. We are called to be reflections, images of our God and savior and so not only are we those who walked in darkness (notice the past tense of the verse in Isaiah) but we are now also the light which has arisen in the land overshadowed by death. As part of the Body of Christ, the Church, we are called to make present to whole world the saving message of Christ. As Isaiah says, the the yoke that burdened us, the pole on our shoulder, and the rod of our taskmaster, sin, has been smashed by Christ's sacrifice on the cross. What else could our response be but "abundant joy, and great rejoicing" before our Lord. We are called to imitate Christ's humility for He became like us in all things except sin, being born in a pagan, backwater region, so that He could make known his perfect Love to all peoples. Like our Master, Christ, we too have been put, through God's Providence, into a specific place in the world to bring the great light to those who sit in the shadow of death. We are called to be in the world but not of it. We are not seraphims descending from on high, we are of the same people, culture, and nationality as those that in sit in the darkness and we are called to rise up from where we sit to make the Love of Christ known to those around us.
How is God calling you to make the land overshadowed by death a little more illumined by the love of Christ? God bless you dear brothers and sisters, you are in my prayers always, and until next we meet, see you in the Eucharist!
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Thursday, September 8, 2011
The Good Samaritan
Ok so I know it has been very much too long since I last posted and it'll be a little bit longer yet but I did want to share this reflection from Fr. Mark because it really touched me. And I promise there will be a post from me soon, there be some ideas swirling, finally. lol. God bless y'all, see you in the Eucharist.
The Mystery of the Good Samaritan
Today's Gospel, the parable of the Good Samaritan, is familiar to us. It is, perhaps, too familiar. That may be the problem. We assume that we have grasped its message when, in fact, its message may not yet have grasped our hearts. The Fathers of the Church discerned a mystery -- that is to say, something hidden -- in the story of the Good Samaritan: the mystery of the healing mercy of God revealed in Christ.
God Suffers at the Sight of Our Suffering
The Good Samaritan is none other than Christ Himself. In the days of His flesh, as He journeyed in this world, Christ came to where we were (cf. Lk 10:33). And when He saw all of us, sinners, stripped, and beaten, and left for dead in a ditch, He had compassion (cf. Lk 10:33). The human Heart of God was moved. God, looking upon us through the eyes of His Christ, suffered at the sight of our suffering.
Ethical Religion Alone Is Not Enough
It would be altogether too facile to reduce the message of today's gospel to its ethical demands alone, to hear it exclusively in terms of a social imperative. Be good. Be sensitive. Be caring. Show mercy. It is, of course, all of that.
In Chapter IV of the Holy Rule Saint Benedict counts the corporal and spiritual works of mercy among the Instruments of Good Works.
Saint Vincent de Paul writes that "we must try to be stirred by our neighbors' worries and distress. We must beg God to pour into our hearts sentiments of pity and compassion and to fill them again and again with these dispositions."
Our Lord said to Saint Faustina: "I demand of you deeds of mercy, which are to arise out of love for me. You are to show mercy to your neighbours always and everywhere. You must not shrink from this or try to excuse or absolve yourself from it."
Wanting to Be Splendid
All of that being said, there is more to the parable of the Good Samaritan.
Most of us prefer to cast ourselves in the role of the Samaritan rather than to see ourselves in the one robbed, stripped, forsaken, and half-dead. The Samaritan is the hero. The Samaritan keeps the upper hand in the story. The Samaritan is splendid. Who among us does not, at least sometimes, want to be splendid?
Salvation in the Gutter
Churches are full of splendid people and of people who want to be splendid. We needed the teaching of a twenty-four year old Doctor of the Church to see that holiness is not about being splendid at all. Saint Thérèse tells that it is, rather, about accepting that we have landed in the gutter, that we are in fact without resources, stripped, wounded, half-dead, and utterly incapable of changing any of that by ourselves. The God who bends over our souls with a face of indescribable tenderness, the God who touches our wounds with the strong and gentle hands of mercy, meets us not in the high places, not in Jerusalem, nor in Jericho, nor on the road of a splendid progress, but in the gutter of our absolute need of Him.
Discerning the Face, the Heart, the Hands of Christ
In the Samaritan of today's gospel, the Fathers of the Church discern the face, the heart, the hands of Christ. Christ is near us in our poverty, near us in our nakedness, nearer to us when we are broken and brought very low than we when we are splendid and marching on. "A Samaritan, as he journeyed, came to where he was; and when he saw him, he had compassion" (Lk 10:33).
Christ Stops for Each of Us
Christ comes to where we are and, seeing us, has compassion. Christ stops for each of us; He binds up our wounds, pouring oil and wine upon them, cleansing and disinfecting them, healing them with the medicine of His Spirit and of His Blood. Christ lifts us from where He finds us. He brings us to the inn of His Father's healing hospitality where He cares for us, and pays all our expenses.
The Human Face of God
When the poor man opened his eyes to see who it was who was caring for him with such tenderness he beheld a human face. Christ is the human Face of God, the Face we behold when we open our eyes to see who it is who is caring for us. In the end, it is the experience of this Face that changes us. It is in the closeness of this Face to ours, with, as Blessed Elizabeth of the Trinity said, "His eyes in our eyes," and with the warmth of His breath upon us, that we are resurrected to newness of life and sent back to the road whence we came to "go and do likewise" (Lk 10:37).
The Mystery of the Good Samaritan
Today's Gospel, the parable of the Good Samaritan, is familiar to us. It is, perhaps, too familiar. That may be the problem. We assume that we have grasped its message when, in fact, its message may not yet have grasped our hearts. The Fathers of the Church discerned a mystery -- that is to say, something hidden -- in the story of the Good Samaritan: the mystery of the healing mercy of God revealed in Christ.
God Suffers at the Sight of Our Suffering
The Good Samaritan is none other than Christ Himself. In the days of His flesh, as He journeyed in this world, Christ came to where we were (cf. Lk 10:33). And when He saw all of us, sinners, stripped, and beaten, and left for dead in a ditch, He had compassion (cf. Lk 10:33). The human Heart of God was moved. God, looking upon us through the eyes of His Christ, suffered at the sight of our suffering.
Ethical Religion Alone Is Not Enough
It would be altogether too facile to reduce the message of today's gospel to its ethical demands alone, to hear it exclusively in terms of a social imperative. Be good. Be sensitive. Be caring. Show mercy. It is, of course, all of that.
In Chapter IV of the Holy Rule Saint Benedict counts the corporal and spiritual works of mercy among the Instruments of Good Works.
Saint Vincent de Paul writes that "we must try to be stirred by our neighbors' worries and distress. We must beg God to pour into our hearts sentiments of pity and compassion and to fill them again and again with these dispositions."
Our Lord said to Saint Faustina: "I demand of you deeds of mercy, which are to arise out of love for me. You are to show mercy to your neighbours always and everywhere. You must not shrink from this or try to excuse or absolve yourself from it."
Wanting to Be Splendid
All of that being said, there is more to the parable of the Good Samaritan.
Most of us prefer to cast ourselves in the role of the Samaritan rather than to see ourselves in the one robbed, stripped, forsaken, and half-dead. The Samaritan is the hero. The Samaritan keeps the upper hand in the story. The Samaritan is splendid. Who among us does not, at least sometimes, want to be splendid?
Salvation in the Gutter
Churches are full of splendid people and of people who want to be splendid. We needed the teaching of a twenty-four year old Doctor of the Church to see that holiness is not about being splendid at all. Saint Thérèse tells that it is, rather, about accepting that we have landed in the gutter, that we are in fact without resources, stripped, wounded, half-dead, and utterly incapable of changing any of that by ourselves. The God who bends over our souls with a face of indescribable tenderness, the God who touches our wounds with the strong and gentle hands of mercy, meets us not in the high places, not in Jerusalem, nor in Jericho, nor on the road of a splendid progress, but in the gutter of our absolute need of Him.
Discerning the Face, the Heart, the Hands of Christ
In the Samaritan of today's gospel, the Fathers of the Church discern the face, the heart, the hands of Christ. Christ is near us in our poverty, near us in our nakedness, nearer to us when we are broken and brought very low than we when we are splendid and marching on. "A Samaritan, as he journeyed, came to where he was; and when he saw him, he had compassion" (Lk 10:33).
Christ Stops for Each of Us
Christ comes to where we are and, seeing us, has compassion. Christ stops for each of us; He binds up our wounds, pouring oil and wine upon them, cleansing and disinfecting them, healing them with the medicine of His Spirit and of His Blood. Christ lifts us from where He finds us. He brings us to the inn of His Father's healing hospitality where He cares for us, and pays all our expenses.
The Human Face of God
When the poor man opened his eyes to see who it was who was caring for him with such tenderness he beheld a human face. Christ is the human Face of God, the Face we behold when we open our eyes to see who it is who is caring for us. In the end, it is the experience of this Face that changes us. It is in the closeness of this Face to ours, with, as Blessed Elizabeth of the Trinity said, "His eyes in our eyes," and with the warmth of His breath upon us, that we are resurrected to newness of life and sent back to the road whence we came to "go and do likewise" (Lk 10:37).
Sunday, July 17, 2011
"Count the stars, if you can"
I was listening to a Lighthouse Media CD today and the speaker made an awesome observation about a verse in Genesis. It was the one were Abraham goes to God and is like "what good are all these gifts your promising me if I don't have a son?" God takes Abraham outside and tells him "Look up at the sky and count the stars, if you can. Just so shall your descendants be." The chapter continues, "Abram put his faith in the LORD, who credited it to him as an act of righteousness." We've all heard it before (Genesis 15:1-6 if you want a refresher), but when we read the verse we make presuppositions, like that Abraham can count, or that when he looked up he saw a bajillion stars. However, when you take it in context you see that six verses later the sun is setting. When God brought Abraham outside and told him to count the stars if he could it was broad daylight! No stars were visible but Abraham put his faith in God that they were nonetheless still there and it was credited to him as an act of righteousness. Talk about a deeper meaning, one that seemed especially applicable to my life right now. As the summer is quickly passing away the reality is sinking in that my college days are numbered and that soon I will be out in the real world (whatever that is). I don't have a clue what the plans are that God has for me; but I know there is a plan. Like Abraham, my future lies somewhere behind the glare of that noonday sun. I can't see it now but that does not make it any less real. I am confident of this first, because just like the stars, which I know will be back again tonight because they have been there every night before, God will unfold His plan for me in time just like I've seen Him do countless times before even though I do not understand it now. Secondly, I know this because He told me so:
"For I know well the plans I have in mind for you, says the LORD, plans for your welfare, not for woe! Plans to give you a future full of hope." Jeremiah 29:11
"Trust in the LORD with all your heart, on your own intelligence rely not; In all your ways be mindful of him, and he will make straight your paths." Proverbs 3:5-6
"Thus says the LORD, your redeemer, the Holy One of Israel: I, the LORD, your God, teach you what is for your good, and lead you on the way you should go." Isaiah 48:17
"I will instruct you and show you the way you should walk, give you counsel and watch over you." Psalm 32:8
"Then the LORD will guide you always and give you plenty even on the parched land." Isaiah 58:11
"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I dedicated you, a prophet to the nations I appointed you." Jeremiah 1:5
Wherever you are at right now in life maybe it would be helpful to remember the lesson of Abraham and go out in the noon day sun and try to "count the stars if you are able." God bless dear brothers and sisters! See you in the Eucharist!
Monday, May 16, 2011
Reasons Why God is Good #'s 31-60
JMJ+OBT
Many, many apologies, it has been forever (as my accountability partner has been gently reminding me. lol) I kind of sorta fell off the map the last two weeks in a good/lazy sort of way. I pretty much just quit checking fb and email regularly and just worked and hung out w/ my family and friends. I would like to claim that this was purely out a desire for simplicity, but in reality there was also a lot of laziness factored in. A decent portion of my time was just spent "vegging". While I recognize clearly the need to relax after working all day, etc, I hope this month in DC I can figure out how to do that w/o completely wasting time. Productive sorts of leisure you know. Anyways I promise I'll use some of this new free time to write another more substantial blog post soon but for now I wanted to post reasons 31-60 why God is good. If you haven't seen my "Gig's" already we must not be fb friends b/c I try to put them up as status whenever I'm particularly grateful for something. I must admit I've been slacking a little lately on the Gig's too, b/c there are a ton of things to be grateful for in my life in the last few weeks, but that will have to wait for another post. Until then these are the reasons, and the link for the first 30 is in reason #31. God Bless and till next time I'll see you in the Eucharist!
31. James A. Lopez. and for the first 30 reasons: http://quo-vadis-deum.blogspot.com/2010/12/thirty-reasons-why-i-know-god-is-good.html
32. Jacob Vincent Jirak "God doesn't give you the mountains to enjoy the view but to prepare for the valleys." Thanks bud, it came in handy the other day.
33. "Thou, O Mary, hast only to open thy immaculate hands over them,and they are shot through with the rays of thy purity.
Through thee, entereth the light to shine in the darkest places....
Through thee, souls are washed in a downpour of graces." http://vultus.stblogs.org/
Happy Feast of the Immaculate Conception!
34. For seeing me through to this day, after 2 1/2 years I am FINISHED with Latin! Praise be to God!
35. "Precious in the eyes of the Lord is the death of His faithful." Paul Seiler (Dec. 14, 1926-Dec. 11, 2010). I'll miss you.
36. For family.
37. For a wonderful, sleepless night w/ friends followed by a glorious sunny day, finished by an awesome sunset.
38. "Every starry night, that was His design."
39. For old fashioned pleasures like these: http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201010/endangered-arts
40. A saintly old Cistercain named Fr. Roch, and his awesome Theology of the Spiritual Life class.
41. "It is a dirty rotten trick of Satan that tempts us to fall into fear when we discover that sin in us is not fixable by us." Cecilia Rziha
42. Snow days!
43. Thursday night: Beautiful big, wet, slow snow started around 11:00, just barely decided to go outside, sliding around the iced over soccer field w/ 20 good friends, followed by sleding and then building a snow fort till 3:30 in the morning, then coming in for hot chocolate. I don't think I've ever felt more like a college student!
44. For revealing to me over the course of the last week why He led me to choose St. Thomas More as my confirmation saint 4 years ago. God's plan is so good!
45. For answered prayers, and a truly blessed weekend.
46. For a wonderful weekend in KS and for giving His Son to us who are so unworthy -> http://www.ncregister.com/blog/why-i-love-my-ugly-little-liturgy?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+NCRegisterDailyBlog+%40National+Catholic+RegisterA#When:06:00:54Z
47. Oh where to start? For blessings beyond measure this weekend: The marriage of two wonderful, holy, young, beautiful friends; dancing all night at said wedding; sharing this joyful weekend w/ 30+ awesome brothers and sisters in Christ; praying and going to mass w/ said siblings; soaking up the beauty of God's creation (most especially Kansas, and Kansans); and a million more but what could I say that would begin to describe them when language can't begin to capture the depths of God's goodness. Oh how He loves us! My cup overflowth. P.S.- Hmm...I couldn't help thinking about this article after this weekend too:
http://quo-vadis-deum.blogspot.com/2010/09/he-married-kansas.html
48. For the desert, for mountains, for canyons, for a night sky with more stars than I have ever seen, for meteors, for hard work, for sunrises, for chicken and rice with taco seasoning while a perfectly unique sunset burns up the evening sky above the Mexico/US border, for good friends new and old. In other words, for an immeasurably blest week backpacking through Big Bend Nat'l Park.
49. For conversion. For the Mystical Body of Christ. For His infinite love. For so blessed a weekend on Crusader Awakening #3 that there's no way I could begin to put it into words, SHINCK!!!
50. Praying the rosary with 300 other UD students (1/4 of the student body) for a sister in Christ whose going home Wednesday to say goodbye to her mother who is terminally ill. I don't think I've ever seen such a powerful representation of the mystical Body of Christ, God is good.
51. Exactly a year ago today I embarked on a trip that would change my life forever and culminate in Holy Week in the Holy Land. Istanbul-Cappadocia-Israel, 10 Day 2010. God is good.
52. "Neither do I condemn thee, said Jesus, go, and do not sin again." John 8:10-11
53. For holy old monks.
54. For St. Bernard of Clairvauz, "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Who is poorer in spirit than he who finds no rest in his whole spirit, who finds no place to lay down his head?"
55. For unexpected encouragement. If you want the whole story: http://quo-vadis-deum.blogspot.com/2011/04/prayer-request.html
56. For the miraculous recovery of my breviary through the intercession of St. Anthony and several good friends. Praised be God! I was really thinking I'd lost it for good.
57. For filling a wonderful, old, holy monk, Fr. Roch with such wisdom and then giving me the opportunity to talk with him. Blessed be God.
58. ALLELUIA HE IS RISEN! TRULY HE IS RISEN!
59. Talk about a stubborn German farmer: http://www.vatican.va/news_services/liturgy/saints/ns_lit_doc_20071026_jagerstatter_en.html
60. For bringing me through another year of college. FREEDOM!!! lol. Blessed be God!
Many, many apologies, it has been forever (as my accountability partner has been gently reminding me. lol) I kind of sorta fell off the map the last two weeks in a good/lazy sort of way. I pretty much just quit checking fb and email regularly and just worked and hung out w/ my family and friends. I would like to claim that this was purely out a desire for simplicity, but in reality there was also a lot of laziness factored in. A decent portion of my time was just spent "vegging". While I recognize clearly the need to relax after working all day, etc, I hope this month in DC I can figure out how to do that w/o completely wasting time. Productive sorts of leisure you know. Anyways I promise I'll use some of this new free time to write another more substantial blog post soon but for now I wanted to post reasons 31-60 why God is good. If you haven't seen my "Gig's" already we must not be fb friends b/c I try to put them up as status whenever I'm particularly grateful for something. I must admit I've been slacking a little lately on the Gig's too, b/c there are a ton of things to be grateful for in my life in the last few weeks, but that will have to wait for another post. Until then these are the reasons, and the link for the first 30 is in reason #31. God Bless and till next time I'll see you in the Eucharist!
31. James A. Lopez. and for the first 30 reasons: http://quo-vadis-deum.blogspot.com/2010/12/thirty-reasons-why-i-know-god-is-good.html
32. Jacob Vincent Jirak "God doesn't give you the mountains to enjoy the view but to prepare for the valleys." Thanks bud, it came in handy the other day.
33. "Thou, O Mary, hast only to open thy immaculate hands over them,and they are shot through with the rays of thy purity.
Through thee, entereth the light to shine in the darkest places....
Through thee, souls are washed in a downpour of graces." http://vultus.stblogs.org/
Happy Feast of the Immaculate Conception!
34. For seeing me through to this day, after 2 1/2 years I am FINISHED with Latin! Praise be to God!
35. "Precious in the eyes of the Lord is the death of His faithful." Paul Seiler (Dec. 14, 1926-Dec. 11, 2010). I'll miss you.
36. For family.
37. For a wonderful, sleepless night w/ friends followed by a glorious sunny day, finished by an awesome sunset.
38. "Every starry night, that was His design."
39. For old fashioned pleasures like these: http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201010/endangered-arts
40. A saintly old Cistercain named Fr. Roch, and his awesome Theology of the Spiritual Life class.
41. "It is a dirty rotten trick of Satan that tempts us to fall into fear when we discover that sin in us is not fixable by us." Cecilia Rziha
42. Snow days!
43. Thursday night: Beautiful big, wet, slow snow started around 11:00, just barely decided to go outside, sliding around the iced over soccer field w/ 20 good friends, followed by sleding and then building a snow fort till 3:30 in the morning, then coming in for hot chocolate. I don't think I've ever felt more like a college student!
44. For revealing to me over the course of the last week why He led me to choose St. Thomas More as my confirmation saint 4 years ago. God's plan is so good!
45. For answered prayers, and a truly blessed weekend.
46. For a wonderful weekend in KS and for giving His Son to us who are so unworthy -> http://www.ncregister.com/blog/why-i-love-my-ugly-little-liturgy?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+NCRegisterDailyBlog+%40National+Catholic+RegisterA#When:06:00:54Z
47. Oh where to start? For blessings beyond measure this weekend: The marriage of two wonderful, holy, young, beautiful friends; dancing all night at said wedding; sharing this joyful weekend w/ 30+ awesome brothers and sisters in Christ; praying and going to mass w/ said siblings; soaking up the beauty of God's creation (most especially Kansas, and Kansans); and a million more but what could I say that would begin to describe them when language can't begin to capture the depths of God's goodness. Oh how He loves us! My cup overflowth. P.S.- Hmm...I couldn't help thinking about this article after this weekend too:
http://quo-vadis-deum.blogspot.com/2010/09/he-married-kansas.html
48. For the desert, for mountains, for canyons, for a night sky with more stars than I have ever seen, for meteors, for hard work, for sunrises, for chicken and rice with taco seasoning while a perfectly unique sunset burns up the evening sky above the Mexico/US border, for good friends new and old. In other words, for an immeasurably blest week backpacking through Big Bend Nat'l Park.
49. For conversion. For the Mystical Body of Christ. For His infinite love. For so blessed a weekend on Crusader Awakening #3 that there's no way I could begin to put it into words, SHINCK!!!
50. Praying the rosary with 300 other UD students (1/4 of the student body) for a sister in Christ whose going home Wednesday to say goodbye to her mother who is terminally ill. I don't think I've ever seen such a powerful representation of the mystical Body of Christ, God is good.
51. Exactly a year ago today I embarked on a trip that would change my life forever and culminate in Holy Week in the Holy Land. Istanbul-Cappadocia-Israel, 10 Day 2010. God is good.
52. "Neither do I condemn thee, said Jesus, go, and do not sin again." John 8:10-11
53. For holy old monks.
54. For St. Bernard of Clairvauz, "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Who is poorer in spirit than he who finds no rest in his whole spirit, who finds no place to lay down his head?"
55. For unexpected encouragement. If you want the whole story: http://quo-vadis-deum.blogspot.com/2011/04/prayer-request.html
56. For the miraculous recovery of my breviary through the intercession of St. Anthony and several good friends. Praised be God! I was really thinking I'd lost it for good.
57. For filling a wonderful, old, holy monk, Fr. Roch with such wisdom and then giving me the opportunity to talk with him. Blessed be God.
58. ALLELUIA HE IS RISEN! TRULY HE IS RISEN!
59. Talk about a stubborn German farmer: http://www.vatican.va/news_services/liturgy/saints/ns_lit_doc_20071026_jagerstatter_en.html
60. For bringing me through another year of college. FREEDOM!!! lol. Blessed be God!
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
This is our faith
After the sabbath, as the first day of the week was dawning,
Mary Magdalene and the other Mary came to see the tomb.
And behold, there was a great earthquake;
for an angel of the Lord descended from heaven,
approached, rolled back the stone, and sat upon it.
His appearance was like lightning
and his clothing was white as snow. -Matthew 28:1-3
As Father read this gospel at the Easter Vigil this year I was struck by one line in particular. Amid this awesome display of power the evangelist slips in a peculiar detail, the angel "rolled back the stone and sat upon it." It wasn't enough that he descended from heaven with the appearance of lightning amidst a great earthquake and rolled back the stone; no, then he sat upon it. I have this almost comical image of this brilliant angel lounging on the stone that purported to restrain the King of the Universe in a grave. What a mockery of death. I'm reminded of a line my good friend Sara always like to use, "We've got the book; I've read the ending; we win." This is our faith, rejoice and be glad: HE IS RISEN!
I also wanted to share one of my favorite Easter traditions. In the prayer of the Church, the Liturgy of the Hours, there is a anonymous homily from the ancient church that is read every Holy Saturday. It's pretty much my favorite reading from the Office for the entire year so I wanted to share it with y'all. Enjoy:
Something strange is happening – there is a great silence on earth today, a great silence and stillness. The whole earth keeps silence because the King is asleep. The earth trembled and is still because God has fallen asleep in the flesh and he has raised up all who have slept ever since the world began. God has died in the flesh and hell trembles with fear.
He has gone to search for our first parent, as for a lost sheep. Greatly desiring to visit those who live in darkness and in the shadow of death, he has gone to free from sorrow the captives Adam and Eve, he who is both God and the son of Eve. The Lord approached them bearing the cross, the weapon that had won him the victory. At the sight of him Adam, the first man he had created, struck his breast in terror and cried out to everyone: “My Lord be with you all.” Christ answered him: “And with your spirit.” He took him by the hand and raised him up, saying: “Awake, O sleeper, and rise from the dead, and Christ will give you light.”
I am your God, who for your sake have become your son. Out of love for you and for your descendants I now by my own authority command all who are held in bondage to come forth, all who are in darkness to be enlightened, all who are sleeping to arise. I order you, O sleeper, to awake. I did not create you to be held a prisoner in hell. Rise from the dead, for I am the life of the dead. Rise up, work of my hands, you who were created in my image. Rise, let us leave this place, for you are in me and I am in you; together we form only one person and we cannot be separated.
For your sake I, your God, became your son; I, the Lord, took the form of a slave; I, whose home is above the heavens, descended to the earth and beneath the earth. For your sake, for the sake of man, I became like a man without help, free among the dead. For the sake of you, who left a garden, I was betrayed to the Jews in a garden, and I was crucified in a garden.
See on my face the spittle I received in order to restore to you the life I once breathed into you. See there the marks of the blows I received in order to refashion your warped nature in my image. On my back see the marks of the scourging I endured to remove the burden of sin that weighs upon your back. See my hands, nailed firmly to a tree, for you who once wickedly stretched out your hand to a tree.
I slept on the cross and a sword pierced my side for you who slept in paradise and brought forth Eve from your side. My side has healed the pain in yours. My sleep will rouse you from your sleep in hell. The sword that pierced me has sheathed the sword that was turned against you.
Rise, let us leave this place. The enemy led you out of the earthly paradise. I will not restore you to that paradise, but I will enthrone you in heaven. I forbade you the tree that was only a symbol of life, but see, I who am life itself am now one with you. I appointed cherubim to guard you as slaves are guarded, but now I make them worship you as God. The throne formed by cherubim awaits you, its bearers swift and eager. The bridal chamber is adorned, the banquet is ready, the eternal dwelling places are prepared, the treasure houses of all good things lie open. The kingdom of heaven has been prepared for you from all eternity.
Monday, April 11, 2011
A Prayer Request
So I did not think that I would be writing a blog tonight. I was totally planning on going to sleep but God had other plans. Before turning in I checked one of the blogs I read by a Benedictine monk from Tulsa. Woah. His post really, really hit home for me and so I felt obliged to pass it along: http://vultus.stblogs.org/2011/04/come-to-me-and-drink.html. I figured I'd just put it up on facebook and then any kindred spirits that are struggling here through the last stage of Lent could go to it from there, but then I recognized that I could take the opportunity to share a little bit of myself and maybe on a more selfish note ask for your prayers as well.
The whole post just absolutely nailed me and what I've been experiencing the last week but this line especially described me:
Awareness of our sins should lead not to a loss of confidence in the Divine Mercy, but to a serene and trusting appeal for the pardon of Him "Who forgiveth all thy iniquities: who healeth all thy diseases. Who redeemeth thy life from destruction: who crowneth thee with mercy and compassion." (Psalm 102:3-4)
Its probably a mark of pride but the last few weeks my inability to rise above some habitual sins has really been a serious point of frustration for me. And instead of making my "trusting appeal" to God and His mercy, I have doubted, what else. Maybe not so much Divine Mercy directly as I doubted myself, my love for God (I've been through this before right? nope, stubborn German farmer that I am I have to learn every lesson 4 or 5 times at least before it starts to take hold).
"It is not too late to enter into Lenten repentance, not too late to begin one's Lent with humility and sincerity of heart. The workers of the eleventh hour will not be deprived of their reward at Pascha." This line also really encouraged me. I guess I've been feeling like I've been growing stagnant in my Lenten discipline the last few weeks and I really needed the Holy Spirit, via Fr. Mark, to send me the courage to start again.
So I'll finish with a prayer that the Holy Spirit will send you all the encouragement and the strength necessary to run the race these last two weeks of Lent so as to win, and I also, if I may, ask for your prayers that I accept with humility my brokenness as an opportunity to recognize, receive, and praise God's boundless Mercy.
Monday, March 28, 2011
“A time for every affair under heaven.” Eccl 3:1
JMJ+OBT March 26, 2011
Hey y’all! So I realized I needed to squeak in a blog post while I had time today or I’d have so many experiences to relate when I finally got around to blogging next time that it would be an unreadably long post. This last week, beginning with our campus retreat, Crusader Awakening #3 has been one incredible God moment after another. So much has happened in the last 5 days that I feel a little dazed and at a loss for what is next but if there’s anything that I’m fully aware of after this last week it’s that He the one with the plan and that’s all that matters.
All the craziness in my life really began about three weeks ago after coming back to UD from the wedding of two good friends. I rode the high from this awesome weekend in Kansas for a few days but eventually the reality of growing up began to set in. I basically had four big choices weighing on my mind. One was the looming decision about summer plans, whether to take an internship, or stay home on the farm which in turn related to the larger discernment of career choices. Vocational discernment was also really weighing on me at the same time, especially as it related to a particular relationship with a good friend. I’m really not normally an anxious person but all of these major decisions were really giving me a lot of stress. Ultimately it came down to a lack of trust, and a serious lack of self-confidence and confidence in God. Luckily God has blessed me with some amazing friends one of whom spent several hours over those two weeks trying to get it through my thick, german-farmer head that God was in charge and everything was going to be alright. I was really struggling with it though, which I realized, thanks to my friend was really a temptation of the devil. With this and other valuable insights on my mind but not yet in my heart I left for CA#3 Friday after school praying for clarity in all these decisions.
I was a little apprehensive going into CA#3. My experience freshman year as a retreatant on CA#1 had been good, but it hadn’t been an amazing, Holy Spirit moving weekend. I was also a little nervous about serving as a table parent as I really struggle in new groups like the table families. This provided lots of opportunities to trust God as there were a lot of occasions where I felt inadequate to the task at hand. And did He ever come through. After kind of a slow, awkward start Friday night our table really opened up and it was incredible to see the Spirit working in and through them. One of my favorite moments on Saturday was a meditation given by my good friend and roommate from freshman year, David Ringwald. I’ve gotta call him out by name because it was a ridiculously amazing talk. David is pretty meek and quiet most of the time but when the Holy Spirit so wills he is an incredibly powerful and captivating speaker. Right after his talk we moved into adoration and I realized that my lack of confidence from the previous two weeks was actually because I doubted whether I really loved God or not. Of course I wanted to love God but I’d been so discouraged by my continual failures and shortcomings that part of me doubted if I really loved God. I mean after all I thought, if I really loved God I wouldn’t keep falling into the same old pitfalls. And if I didn’t really love God then what was to say that I wouldn’t make the wrong decision and choose something selfish rather than what God had planned for me.
Needless to say this was also a temptation of the devil. I was unwilling to accept the fact that I was a broken human being and that I was going to fail sometimes. I expected myself to be perfect or at least not really really messed up and it was killing me. This too as David pointed out was a trap, actually one of the oldest traps. He used two examples from the bible that I want to repeat because they made a lot of sense to me. The first was of Adam and Eve. Ultimately at the fall they ate the fruit in the Garden of Eden because they wanted to be like gods, aka they wouldn’t need God. But humans weren’t created to be independent. Even before the fall it was not good for man to be alone. Adam needed Eve. In transgressing God’s instruction they tried to become what they were not: God, and so sin entered the world. His other example was of Moses before the burning bush. Once God gets Moses’s attention and tells him that He wants him to deliver the Israelites, Moses protests saying that the elders will never believe him. To reassure him God gives Moses his very name I AM and promises to turn his staff into a snake. Moses protests one last time saying that he is not eloquent, and has never been one for words. God then promises to send Aaron along with him to speak on his behalf. Take a second to think about this. God gave Moses His very name, and was willing to turn a piece of wood into a reptile but yet He was unwilling to give Moses the gift of eloquence. He was unwilling to give Moses all the gifts; he had to rely on his cousin to accomplish the task that God had given him. It’s the same for us. We don’t have all the gifts and each one of us is broken and weak in our own unique ways. The beautiful thing is that that’s the way God has designed it to work. As a member of the Mystical Body of Christ, MBOC, our weakness are filled up by the Holy Spirit working through our brothers and sisters in Christ in the same way that we fill up their weakness with our gifts and talents. If we were not broken and weak we wouldn’t need the support of our neighbor; we wouldn’t need the redemption provided by our Savior. This understanding of what it means to accept my brokenness and offer it back to God as a sacrifice was a huge breakthrough for me on the weekend.
The CA#3 graces weren’t exhausted yet though. One of the most powerful experiences on the weekend came Sunday afternoon during the passion skit. A year ago when I went Aggie Awakening at Texas A&M, I’d been part (a small part, 1 of 300) of their passion skit, which due to the fact that they’d been doing it for like 30 years, was pretty much down to a science. I remember it being good but it wasn’t amazing. However, this weekend on our little production the Holy Spirit was definitely working in an intense way. The memory is still vivid in my mind of the seminarian acting Jesus carrying his cross rounding the corner and coming towards my table family. (Before I go any farther I need to explain that I see God so powerfully in the beauty of the created world. For a more detailed description see Theology of a Sunset at http://quo-vadis-deum.blogspot.com/2010/11/theology-of-sunset.html. Sunsets to me are unique, masterful, personal expressions of God’s love for me, perfect in God’s Providential design.) As Jesus rounded that corner, the reality of what he underwent to save me from my sins hit me like it never had before. Not only did He endure unbelievable suffering but He willed to do it out of love for me. The passion, crucifixion and death of our Lord was not something that was forced upon Him, something He had to go through unwillingly. It was something He chose. Just as he makes each sunset a perfect masterpiece to express His great love for us, His passion was an infinitely greater and more perfect sign of His love for us. I saw the same intentional, personal, perfect love in the passion that I’d observed in sunsets. In that instant a little voice or a thought or whatever went through my mind, “Anthony so far you’ve been content with sunsets. Come to the meal.” Whoa… Right away my reaction was to echo Mary’s response “Let it be done unto me according to your will.” So I have no idea what I just agreed to there, but I’ve seen His goodness and His faithfulness enough to know that’s the kind of prayer that He answers. My only other thought was “God, that’s how I want to love.” Let it be so.
I’m only half way through my week at this point! Sunday night after retreat two good friends from Kansas were in town staying with a friend down here. We didn’t have the chance to talk much but we did get Night Prayer in together (aside: I forgot how nice it is to say Liturgy of the Hours in a large group). I was busy pretty much all of Monday until dinner which was home cooked by my friends (another aside: I also forgot how wonderful real spaghetti is!). After dinner and several detours later, my friend shared with me the incredible way that God had been unfolding her vocation to her over the last three weeks. It was simply awe inspiring to see the so very powerful way He had worked in her life. Through that conversation and through the graces of the Holy Spirit something clicked for me. I’d been struggling with my vocation so much the last few weeks, but through her story God granted me the clarity that I’d been praying for. It was borderline overwhelming. I still don’t have a clue what He wills for me, but He gave me a grace of peace and surrender that I wouldn’t have been able to imagine before. Immediately after this conversation we headed to the Church of the Incarnation on campus for a rosary that some folks had put together for one of the retreatants who had been on my table at CA#3. Her mother was terminally ill, and she was flying home to Virginia in a few days basically to say goodbye. We got there a little early and as we sat there waiting the people just kept coming and coming. By the time the rosary actually started the church was well over 2/3rds full, probably around 300 people (to give you an idea that’s 1/4 of our student body). A lot of the folks from CA#3 were there and I don’t know if I’ve ever seen a more powerful representation of the Mystical Body of Christ. I was talking with David as we left and he said he thought we just witnessed a minor miracle to see that many UD students not doing homework on a Monday night. It truly was an amazing testament to the community.
The next morning I caught mass, morning prayer and breakfast with my friend before they left. As I was walking to work after they left I checked my phone and found a voicemail from Senator Roberts office offering me an intern position this summer for the month of June. God wasn’t letting up. Not satisfied with resolving one of my major discernment issues He plowed right ahead bringing the decision over what to do this summer to a head. I wrestled with the choice for about the next full day. I really, really would like to be back on the farm this summer and have the chance to see my friends, make a TEC, and maybe make it up to Salina dioceses for Prayer and Action. At the same time the only reason I felt like I should go to DC was because it seemed like the prudential thing to do. Finally Tuesday afternoon I decided that while I’ve been feeling less and less called to politics over the last year, I’m still not completely confident that I’m not called to it. Since not taking the internship would be basically akin to committing to not going into politics I decided I should accept the offer. Also, it seemed like a good opportunity to discern if God is calling me to something in politics or if that door can be closed for good. After making the decision it was already too late to call them back that day and accept so I decided to sleep on it for a night. I was really uneasy with the choice all evening, just really out of sorts. Finally about 10pm that night after saying the rosary with some friends, one of them could tell I was freaking out about something and offered to talk it through with me. After trying to reassure me for about 15 min, my friend mentioned that another one of our friends was applying with the USCCB, and was going to try and stay with a religious community in DC if they got the position. I guessed I’d really been worried about being away from a support structure and folks to hold me accountable, because after he said this I was completely at ease just absolutely at peace with the choice. Here my friend was thinking he was going to need to make some deep theological point and he just needed to tell me of a place to stay.
Ok so quick recap: At this point within 72 hours God has given me the grace to realize and confront one of my biggest spiritual struggles, discern two major short term decisions, put my at peace with my two major long term discernments, and in general completely turned my world on its head. And I’m still not done yet.
The next major God moment happened Thursday morning. I should explain at this point that I am so not a morning person. I can wake up early but it takes me a good 5 minutes of being out of bed before a coherent thought goes through my head. The brain is just kinda mush before that. Anyways, Thursday morning I wake up before my alarm (this also NEVER happens, which was all the more miraculous considering I hadn’t gotten more than 5 hours of sleep all week and the two nights previous had both been around 4 hours a piece). Before I even really realize I’m awake a thought goes through my head clear as day “Be ready to take up your cross.” I automatically responded “ok” and then passed back out. Again I’m not sure what that means, but it was just amazing to me how clear and definite it was. That afternoon I got a letter from a friend. The front of the envelope looked perfectly innocent but as I flip it over there’s written in large black sharpie “CAUTION: This letter written by the Holy Spirit @ 1am, Mar 20th…I’m not sure if it makes any sense. : )” At this point I was nervous. Turns out the warning was right. My friend, who had no idea what I had been going through, totally nailed me all the way down the line. Seriously she touched almost every spiritual theme that had been on my mind that weekend on CA#3 and the three days after. Holy cow! Talk about the power of the Holy Spirit. Towards the end of the letter, she had a question for me. She’d been talking about our love for God, how it was real, how it affected the way we lived. But her (the Holy Spirit’s) question was “What’s stopping you from dying for it?” Wow. Exactly what I needed to be asked. So many of the things I’d spent most of my spiritual time over the last 6 months struggling with had been totally resolved in the last 5 days and to be honest I’d been kind of at a loss as to what was next. At one point I just prayed something like, God, the ball’s back in your court. I’m ready and willing to move just show me what to do. How silly of me to wonder how God would do it, just goes to show my lack of imagination, and the absolute perfection of His plan. Since this letter from my friend I’ve put that question up around my room and have just been asking God to reveal the hidden conceits of my heart, the parts of me that are keeping me from giving myself totally and absolutely to Him.
So needless to say, I don’t have any idea where I am going in life. Sure I’ll be in DC this summer, but beyond that I am just putting one foot in front of the other. God’s illuminating just as much of the path as I need to be able to see at this moment. Please keep my continued conversion in your prayers. You all are in mine. See you in the Eucharist! Until then, quo vadis, where are you going?
Hey y’all! So I realized I needed to squeak in a blog post while I had time today or I’d have so many experiences to relate when I finally got around to blogging next time that it would be an unreadably long post. This last week, beginning with our campus retreat, Crusader Awakening #3 has been one incredible God moment after another. So much has happened in the last 5 days that I feel a little dazed and at a loss for what is next but if there’s anything that I’m fully aware of after this last week it’s that He the one with the plan and that’s all that matters.
All the craziness in my life really began about three weeks ago after coming back to UD from the wedding of two good friends. I rode the high from this awesome weekend in Kansas for a few days but eventually the reality of growing up began to set in. I basically had four big choices weighing on my mind. One was the looming decision about summer plans, whether to take an internship, or stay home on the farm which in turn related to the larger discernment of career choices. Vocational discernment was also really weighing on me at the same time, especially as it related to a particular relationship with a good friend. I’m really not normally an anxious person but all of these major decisions were really giving me a lot of stress. Ultimately it came down to a lack of trust, and a serious lack of self-confidence and confidence in God. Luckily God has blessed me with some amazing friends one of whom spent several hours over those two weeks trying to get it through my thick, german-farmer head that God was in charge and everything was going to be alright. I was really struggling with it though, which I realized, thanks to my friend was really a temptation of the devil. With this and other valuable insights on my mind but not yet in my heart I left for CA#3 Friday after school praying for clarity in all these decisions.
I was a little apprehensive going into CA#3. My experience freshman year as a retreatant on CA#1 had been good, but it hadn’t been an amazing, Holy Spirit moving weekend. I was also a little nervous about serving as a table parent as I really struggle in new groups like the table families. This provided lots of opportunities to trust God as there were a lot of occasions where I felt inadequate to the task at hand. And did He ever come through. After kind of a slow, awkward start Friday night our table really opened up and it was incredible to see the Spirit working in and through them. One of my favorite moments on Saturday was a meditation given by my good friend and roommate from freshman year, David Ringwald. I’ve gotta call him out by name because it was a ridiculously amazing talk. David is pretty meek and quiet most of the time but when the Holy Spirit so wills he is an incredibly powerful and captivating speaker. Right after his talk we moved into adoration and I realized that my lack of confidence from the previous two weeks was actually because I doubted whether I really loved God or not. Of course I wanted to love God but I’d been so discouraged by my continual failures and shortcomings that part of me doubted if I really loved God. I mean after all I thought, if I really loved God I wouldn’t keep falling into the same old pitfalls. And if I didn’t really love God then what was to say that I wouldn’t make the wrong decision and choose something selfish rather than what God had planned for me.
Needless to say this was also a temptation of the devil. I was unwilling to accept the fact that I was a broken human being and that I was going to fail sometimes. I expected myself to be perfect or at least not really really messed up and it was killing me. This too as David pointed out was a trap, actually one of the oldest traps. He used two examples from the bible that I want to repeat because they made a lot of sense to me. The first was of Adam and Eve. Ultimately at the fall they ate the fruit in the Garden of Eden because they wanted to be like gods, aka they wouldn’t need God. But humans weren’t created to be independent. Even before the fall it was not good for man to be alone. Adam needed Eve. In transgressing God’s instruction they tried to become what they were not: God, and so sin entered the world. His other example was of Moses before the burning bush. Once God gets Moses’s attention and tells him that He wants him to deliver the Israelites, Moses protests saying that the elders will never believe him. To reassure him God gives Moses his very name I AM and promises to turn his staff into a snake. Moses protests one last time saying that he is not eloquent, and has never been one for words. God then promises to send Aaron along with him to speak on his behalf. Take a second to think about this. God gave Moses His very name, and was willing to turn a piece of wood into a reptile but yet He was unwilling to give Moses the gift of eloquence. He was unwilling to give Moses all the gifts; he had to rely on his cousin to accomplish the task that God had given him. It’s the same for us. We don’t have all the gifts and each one of us is broken and weak in our own unique ways. The beautiful thing is that that’s the way God has designed it to work. As a member of the Mystical Body of Christ, MBOC, our weakness are filled up by the Holy Spirit working through our brothers and sisters in Christ in the same way that we fill up their weakness with our gifts and talents. If we were not broken and weak we wouldn’t need the support of our neighbor; we wouldn’t need the redemption provided by our Savior. This understanding of what it means to accept my brokenness and offer it back to God as a sacrifice was a huge breakthrough for me on the weekend.
The CA#3 graces weren’t exhausted yet though. One of the most powerful experiences on the weekend came Sunday afternoon during the passion skit. A year ago when I went Aggie Awakening at Texas A&M, I’d been part (a small part, 1 of 300) of their passion skit, which due to the fact that they’d been doing it for like 30 years, was pretty much down to a science. I remember it being good but it wasn’t amazing. However, this weekend on our little production the Holy Spirit was definitely working in an intense way. The memory is still vivid in my mind of the seminarian acting Jesus carrying his cross rounding the corner and coming towards my table family. (Before I go any farther I need to explain that I see God so powerfully in the beauty of the created world. For a more detailed description see Theology of a Sunset at http://quo-vadis-deum.blogspot.com/2010/11/theology-of-sunset.html. Sunsets to me are unique, masterful, personal expressions of God’s love for me, perfect in God’s Providential design.) As Jesus rounded that corner, the reality of what he underwent to save me from my sins hit me like it never had before. Not only did He endure unbelievable suffering but He willed to do it out of love for me. The passion, crucifixion and death of our Lord was not something that was forced upon Him, something He had to go through unwillingly. It was something He chose. Just as he makes each sunset a perfect masterpiece to express His great love for us, His passion was an infinitely greater and more perfect sign of His love for us. I saw the same intentional, personal, perfect love in the passion that I’d observed in sunsets. In that instant a little voice or a thought or whatever went through my mind, “Anthony so far you’ve been content with sunsets. Come to the meal.” Whoa… Right away my reaction was to echo Mary’s response “Let it be done unto me according to your will.” So I have no idea what I just agreed to there, but I’ve seen His goodness and His faithfulness enough to know that’s the kind of prayer that He answers. My only other thought was “God, that’s how I want to love.” Let it be so.
I’m only half way through my week at this point! Sunday night after retreat two good friends from Kansas were in town staying with a friend down here. We didn’t have the chance to talk much but we did get Night Prayer in together (aside: I forgot how nice it is to say Liturgy of the Hours in a large group). I was busy pretty much all of Monday until dinner which was home cooked by my friends (another aside: I also forgot how wonderful real spaghetti is!). After dinner and several detours later, my friend shared with me the incredible way that God had been unfolding her vocation to her over the last three weeks. It was simply awe inspiring to see the so very powerful way He had worked in her life. Through that conversation and through the graces of the Holy Spirit something clicked for me. I’d been struggling with my vocation so much the last few weeks, but through her story God granted me the clarity that I’d been praying for. It was borderline overwhelming. I still don’t have a clue what He wills for me, but He gave me a grace of peace and surrender that I wouldn’t have been able to imagine before. Immediately after this conversation we headed to the Church of the Incarnation on campus for a rosary that some folks had put together for one of the retreatants who had been on my table at CA#3. Her mother was terminally ill, and she was flying home to Virginia in a few days basically to say goodbye. We got there a little early and as we sat there waiting the people just kept coming and coming. By the time the rosary actually started the church was well over 2/3rds full, probably around 300 people (to give you an idea that’s 1/4 of our student body). A lot of the folks from CA#3 were there and I don’t know if I’ve ever seen a more powerful representation of the Mystical Body of Christ. I was talking with David as we left and he said he thought we just witnessed a minor miracle to see that many UD students not doing homework on a Monday night. It truly was an amazing testament to the community.
The next morning I caught mass, morning prayer and breakfast with my friend before they left. As I was walking to work after they left I checked my phone and found a voicemail from Senator Roberts office offering me an intern position this summer for the month of June. God wasn’t letting up. Not satisfied with resolving one of my major discernment issues He plowed right ahead bringing the decision over what to do this summer to a head. I wrestled with the choice for about the next full day. I really, really would like to be back on the farm this summer and have the chance to see my friends, make a TEC, and maybe make it up to Salina dioceses for Prayer and Action. At the same time the only reason I felt like I should go to DC was because it seemed like the prudential thing to do. Finally Tuesday afternoon I decided that while I’ve been feeling less and less called to politics over the last year, I’m still not completely confident that I’m not called to it. Since not taking the internship would be basically akin to committing to not going into politics I decided I should accept the offer. Also, it seemed like a good opportunity to discern if God is calling me to something in politics or if that door can be closed for good. After making the decision it was already too late to call them back that day and accept so I decided to sleep on it for a night. I was really uneasy with the choice all evening, just really out of sorts. Finally about 10pm that night after saying the rosary with some friends, one of them could tell I was freaking out about something and offered to talk it through with me. After trying to reassure me for about 15 min, my friend mentioned that another one of our friends was applying with the USCCB, and was going to try and stay with a religious community in DC if they got the position. I guessed I’d really been worried about being away from a support structure and folks to hold me accountable, because after he said this I was completely at ease just absolutely at peace with the choice. Here my friend was thinking he was going to need to make some deep theological point and he just needed to tell me of a place to stay.
Ok so quick recap: At this point within 72 hours God has given me the grace to realize and confront one of my biggest spiritual struggles, discern two major short term decisions, put my at peace with my two major long term discernments, and in general completely turned my world on its head. And I’m still not done yet.
The next major God moment happened Thursday morning. I should explain at this point that I am so not a morning person. I can wake up early but it takes me a good 5 minutes of being out of bed before a coherent thought goes through my head. The brain is just kinda mush before that. Anyways, Thursday morning I wake up before my alarm (this also NEVER happens, which was all the more miraculous considering I hadn’t gotten more than 5 hours of sleep all week and the two nights previous had both been around 4 hours a piece). Before I even really realize I’m awake a thought goes through my head clear as day “Be ready to take up your cross.” I automatically responded “ok” and then passed back out. Again I’m not sure what that means, but it was just amazing to me how clear and definite it was. That afternoon I got a letter from a friend. The front of the envelope looked perfectly innocent but as I flip it over there’s written in large black sharpie “CAUTION: This letter written by the Holy Spirit @ 1am, Mar 20th…I’m not sure if it makes any sense. : )” At this point I was nervous. Turns out the warning was right. My friend, who had no idea what I had been going through, totally nailed me all the way down the line. Seriously she touched almost every spiritual theme that had been on my mind that weekend on CA#3 and the three days after. Holy cow! Talk about the power of the Holy Spirit. Towards the end of the letter, she had a question for me. She’d been talking about our love for God, how it was real, how it affected the way we lived. But her (the Holy Spirit’s) question was “What’s stopping you from dying for it?” Wow. Exactly what I needed to be asked. So many of the things I’d spent most of my spiritual time over the last 6 months struggling with had been totally resolved in the last 5 days and to be honest I’d been kind of at a loss as to what was next. At one point I just prayed something like, God, the ball’s back in your court. I’m ready and willing to move just show me what to do. How silly of me to wonder how God would do it, just goes to show my lack of imagination, and the absolute perfection of His plan. Since this letter from my friend I’ve put that question up around my room and have just been asking God to reveal the hidden conceits of my heart, the parts of me that are keeping me from giving myself totally and absolutely to Him.
So needless to say, I don’t have any idea where I am going in life. Sure I’ll be in DC this summer, but beyond that I am just putting one foot in front of the other. God’s illuminating just as much of the path as I need to be able to see at this moment. Please keep my continued conversion in your prayers. You all are in mine. See you in the Eucharist! Until then, quo vadis, where are you going?
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Big Bend
First off, many apologies for the incredible span of time between posts (I wonder how many times I've started a blog entry like this. lol.) The evening before I left for Spring Break I very nearly finished a post on Fr. Roch's Theology of the Spiritual Life class, but it didn't happen and it's still waiting to be completed. I figured though that I should write about the 5 days I spent hiking through Big Bend National Park while it's still fresh in my mind.
This is the trail we took through the desert, around a 35 mile loop.We went camping quite a bit as kids, but never anything so serious as backpacking through the desert. I didn't really know what to expect from the trip. To a certain extent I was really struggling for clarity in discerning my vocation and summer plans the week before and hoping that this trek through the desert might help some. It was almost three days on the trail before I remembered that I'd been hoping to spend sometime thinking about this. Between learning the in's and out's of backpacking and the concentration needed to look out for bears, snakes, and good footing while on the trail this other goal got submerged in doing what was necessary. I was joking with a friend when I got back that perhaps the lesson I was supposed to learn and the clarity that I received over the week was that I needed to focus on just taking the next step and getting to the top of the next hill and not worry so much about the big picture until God, in His perfect time, deems it right. You'd think I'd get that through my thick head eventually.
That's not to say that it wasn't a spiritual experience. The grand views and just sheer beauty and majesty of creation proclaimed God's goodness and infinite love so loudly all weekend long. In a way it was like being back on the Rome semester in that the beauty of the place was just so amazing that it hardly seemed like it could be part of the same world (much less state) as Irving. There was an additional significance to the beauty of the views though because we had to work for them, really hard. It wasn't like driving your car through a pretty place, something that anyone with some extra time and a love of nature can appreciate but we had to sweat and strain ourselves for those views. This was most impressed upon me on the last night on the trail. By our third and final night on the trail we had covered 30+ miles. That day we started by walking 2 hrs through the desert to an old ranch house and filling up with water, increasing our pack weight almost by a third. The house is the little blip at the base of the big hill in the pic.
(Quick aside: this was one of two times while we were in the desert that we ran across the remains of old homesteads. There was nothing quite as crazy for a farm kid as seeing a row of ancient fence posts stretching across such a barren landscape. The views would have been incredible but I don't know how anyone could've been insane enough to try and make a living out there. Next time I catch myself thinking we've got it hard back home on the farm I hope I think back to those fence posts in the middle of the desert and realize how blessed I really am.) Back to the third day though, after filling up with water we proceeded to walk about 2 miles up a dry, sandy creek bed (worst idea for a trail path EVER!). Already tired from walking uphill with full packs through sand we had to climb 6,000 feet up onto the rim of the Chisos Basin while the wonderful Texas sun blazed away. For me this was by far the hardest day on the trail, but we finally got up onto the rim and made it to our campsite for the night around 5pm. After making camp; boiling water for tea; and cooking dinner, rice, cashews, chicken and taco seasoning (it may not sound great but considering the circumstances it tasted like a culinary masterpiece), we settled down on a row of rocks and watched the sun set. Our campsite was right on the Southwest rim of the basin literally 20 feet from the edge. The view was incredible we could see the whole canyon we'd walked up that day as well as the desert up to the Rio Grande (about 20 miles away) and then the cliffs on the Mexican side and mountains on behind them (probably 50+ miles). This isn't from our trip, I got the pic off of google, but it's almost the exact spot were we ate dinner.
It wasn't the most remarkable sunset I've ever had the privilege to see but it was amazing and in light of everything we'd invested to get to that point, I think Mr. McDonough nailed it when he said that it was an experience you only get 4 or 5 times in a lifetime. He also said that watching the sunset you seemed to forget about the climbing the hill and the creek bed and every other difficulty that it took to get there. This struck me as especially profound in light of my earlier comparison between hiking and the day to day struggle of the Christian life. Sometimes it seems to me like the struggle for perfection is a never ending monotonous climb uphill under a blazing sun, but that's when I have to remember the goal of the entire struggle, the summit of the path, unity with God. In those moments like watching that sunset, all our daily struggles find their true perspective and meaning in that they bring us closer to God.Hopefully I make it back to blogging again a little sooner next time, there's a lot floating around in my head that I should sort out and write down. Until then though "quo vadis" where are you headed?
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Featherock
JMJ+OBT
Last weekend I was infinitely blessed to be able to attend a 3 day, silent retreat with Opus Dei at a wonderful little place called Featherock. God's faithfulness never ceases to amaze me and this weekend was a powerful example. To have any chance at pulling these ideas together in a way that will make sense, I need to start a little bit before the retreat.
The real place to start though was a discernment retreat that I went on over Christmas break with Wichita Diocese called Quo Vadis (stole the name for my blog from this retreat last year). On Quo Vadis the retreat director presented a view of discernment based on Ignatian Spirituality that I'd never heard before. He started with the premise that to discern we have to have know who we are. The only way to achieve this self knowledge is through a relationship with our creator. The stronger our relationship with God -> the more we see true selves reflected -> the greater our sense of our mission in this life. One of the keys to this presentation of discernment is spiritual healing, uncovering the lies about ourselves we've accepted and opening ourselves to God so He can show us the Truth about who we really are. Since December when I went on this retreat, I've been asking in prayer for the grace to understand who I am more fully.
Alright hang with me just a sec longer, I'm almost to the retreat not quite though. The week before the retreat I finished the biography I'd been reading about St. Thomas More for a saint report in my Theology of the Spiritual Life class, A Portrait of Courage. I picked St. Thomas because other people in the class had taken my first two choices (Charles de Foucauld, and St. John Vianney). After they got taken I decided maybe I should do St. Thomas because he was my confirmation saint and despite that I still didn't know much about him. I never really understood why I'd picked St. Thomas More, other than that at the time I was thinking I would go into politics. I got my answer (or at least part of it, I'm sure there's probably more) in the last paragraph of the last chapter of the biography. St. Thomas is writing his daughter Margaret to about her concern over her lack of courage. The biographer, Wegemer (UD English professor btw), writes:
"Surely Meg," he says to her, " a fainter heart than thy frail father you cannot have." He then gives one of his most fundamental counsels, a counsel he gave many times over the years, in many different ways, going back to the earliest of his poems. In these words can be discovered the ultimate foundation of that courage which so many have admired in the life of Sir Thomas More:
"That you fear your own frailty, Margaret, does not displease me. May God give us both the grace to despair of our own self, and wholly to depend and hang upon the hope and strength of God. The blessed Saint Paul found such a lack of strength in himself that in his own temptation he was twice obliged to call and cry out unto God to take that temptation from him. And yet he did not attain his prayer in the manner that he requested. For God in His high wisdom, seeing that is was (as he himself said) necessary for him to keep him from pride...answered, "My grace is sufficient for you." ...And our Lord said further, "Virtue is perfected in weakness." The more weak that man is, the more is the strength of God in his safeguard declared. And so Saint Paul said, "All is possible in Him who strengthens me."
Ahh! For a year now, those quotes, and that idea, "My grace is sufficient for you," and "Virtue is perfected in weakness," have been a pivotal part of my spiritual life. Now I can see whose intercession has been guiding that. Thanks St. Thomas.
So it was with this gratitude for this revelation that I headed four hours south with a bunch of other college guys to what is quite easily my favorite place in Texas. To set the scene a little, Featherock is an old ranch house that Opus Dei has converted into a retreat center, by adding several wings of single rooms, an oratory, dining facilities etc. Now I love the Spiritual Life Center in Wichita (it list among one of my 6 homes) but Featherock is my favorite place that I've ever made a retreat. It retains a home like feel and is full of wonderful little private places to pray and read. The best part though, by far, is the grounds. There is a wonderful tree-lined drive (see top), a pond, shrine to the holy family, and the best part (drum roll) they have about 100 acres of pasture with wonderful trees to climb, beef cows, etc. Plus this part of Texas was settled by Czech and German farmers so it boasts some of the most beautiful, turn of the century churches in Texas. It is probably one of the most peaceful places I've been in the US, just really a truly perfect place to make a silent retreat.
The first day and a half I really had a hard time entering into the prayer and engaging in conversation with God. I had a hard time concentrating and was just generally pretty dry. That's the nice thing about it being 3 days, God had plenty of time to break me down, I couldn't ignore Him very long. At a certain point in the second day I picked up my packet from Theology of the Spiritual Life to read an exert from a book about St. Therese of Liseux that we needed to read for class. My friend Joe had already read it before retreat and and had told me that it was amazing so I figured it was worth a try.
I thought about trying to summarize or pull together everything that impacted me while reading it but I don't think my feeble, human intellect is capable of the task. A year ago this inability would have annoyed, even troubled me, but a certain passage from this same work gave me an entirely new outlook on these kinds of great mysteries of our faith. At one point the author, or St. Therese, I can't remember who and of course that was the one passage I didn't mark, compares mysteries of the faith to a spring. They say that our thirst should be sated before the spring is depleted. Otherwise when we thirsted again we'd go back to the spring and there would be no water. Thus we shouldn't be upset over our inability to grasp fully the great depths of our faith, but rather be glad because there will always be more for us to learn.
I can tell that everything on this weekend was intimately connected, but in a way that I'll never be able to grasp completely intellectually. It was more of the feeling of recognizing the same hand in all these different signs that were too Providential not to be from God. So I think my approach will be to mainly quote from The Hidden Face, the work on St. Therese and her little way. I'll try and offer minimal comments to provide context and some basic clarifications.
Therese was convinced that without the special aid of God she would not have been able to achieve her salvation.
At her sister’s sickbed, Paulin said: “when I come to die, alas, I shall have nothing to give to God; I shall arrive with empty hands, and that troubles me deeply.” Therese responded spiritedly: “It is just the reverse with me—if I had all the works of St Paul to offer, I would still consider that my hands were empty. But that is precisely what gives me joy, for since I have nothing I must receive everything from God.” And again: “How I look forward to going to Heaven! But when I think of Our Lord’s words: Behold, I come and bring the reward with me, to give to each according to his works, then I tell myself that He will probably be embarrassed when He comes to me, because I will have none. He cannot reward me according to my works. So much the better, for I have confidence that He will reward me according to His.” Therese’s illimitable trust bubbled up solely from the springs of her jubilant poverty. What is empty can be filled. She defines her little way in much the same manner. “We must do everything we are obliged to out of love for God. But it is indispensible to place our whole trust in Him who sanctifies our works”
We must say to God: “I know well that I shall never be worthy of the things I hope for—but I hold out my hands to You like a beggar child, and I know that You will more than grant my wishes because You are so good!”
“Jesus has so incomprehensible, so uncompromising a love for us,” she wrote to Celine, “that He wants to do nothing without us; He wants us to share with Him in the salvation of souls. The Creator of the universe waits for the prayers and devotion of a poor little soul in order thereby to save a number of others who, like her, were redeemed at the price of His blood.”
Being really brave means to long for the Cross in the midst of fear, while we are as it were fighting against it, like Our Lord in the Garden of Olives
At the end of her Carmelite way she would not recant this humble insight: that Jesus did not prefigure “heroism”. “It is so consoling to think that Jesus, the divine hero, has felt all our weaknesses and shuddered at the sight of the bitter chalice—that very chalice he had so burningly desired”
Did not Jesus cry out: “My Father, take this cup from Me”? How can you say that my desires are the mark of my love? I realize that what pleases God in my soul is not that. What pleases Him is to see me love my littleness, my poverty: it is the blind trust which I have in His Mercy…. There is my sole treasure. If you bear in peace the trial of being displeasing to yourself, you offer a sweet shelter to Jesus.”
“A large part of the fear of sin in devout persons is just disguised narcissism of the soul: the tiniest sin is unbearable because it is a blotch on the precious self, a sign of inadequate performance in self-sanctification, evidence of a remnant of earthliness…. The penitence that depresses us come from vanity; penitence from God lifts our courage.”
“To surrender to love means to depend upon the omnipotence of God.”
In the same way; a saint is not a being in a different order from the ordinary Christian but is rather the term of growth to which he tends.
Ok so what did this mean for me. Her insight in to Our Lord in the Garden of Olives was so comforting to me, because I was having major trust issue is surrendering my whole life to God. It’s kind of a scary thing to give over the control of your life to someone else, that loss of our false sense of control. What a blessing is was to realize that Christ had undergone the same thing and given us His example to follow.
The major insight though, which was a direct response to my prayers for greater self-knowledge and humility, was her little way itself, building off St. Thomas More’s exhortation to put all our confidence not in our abilities but in God. Therese believed that all we are, all our gifts, talents, thoughts, our very being is not ours. It is given to us by God on loan, to use in love for Him. He has given us everything we are for the express purpose of loving Him in return. In this pursuit, we, as fallen humans, are going to fail but God knows this and so we must accept that fact in humility and offer up everything in love for Him, allowing Him to unite it to the sacrifice of the cross. I suppose I’d heard most of this before, but in that setting, with God’s grace it went a lot deeper.
Sorry if that was majorly disorganized but that’s kind of the state of my brain right now. My hope is that St Therese and St. Thomas More are awesome enough that their greatness will shine through despite my lack of organization. Also thank you to those who were praying for me over the weekend, God definitely was sanctifying your prayers and using them towards His end that weekend. God Bless!
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Suffering
Not that my life has been particularly full of suffering lately, but recently I've been struck by how truly significant and profound God's choice of the method of our salvation was. Last night in men's group for some reason it hit me that as God, Jesus, in His infinite wisdom and goodness, picked the absolute best way possible to redeem us fallen humans. For some reason I'd always projected my own feelings about pain and suffering onto the sacrifice of the cross; it was something that had to be done, endured, part of life. It was heroic of course, but I'd never realized the full significance before. As God, Christ could have chosen any means for redeeming us, and yet the best, absolute most perfect way was to undergo unbelievable suffering both physically and surely spiritually as well to save us poor wretches. The cross was completely voluntary; it was not mere nails that held our savior to the tree but His own will.
In Theology of the Spiritual Life the other day Fr. Roch was talking about the roll of suffering in conversion; how suffering purifies the soul of the believer. Then sometime this morning at Dominican, either in the end of Morning prayer or during Mass I can't remember where, something was said about Christ becoming man to show us how to suffer, to offer it as a sacrifice. There's no way that I'm going to fit the awesome mystery of the means of salvation into my poor very finite intellect but I suspect that it has something to do with the fact that God wanted to give us an example by His death of how to make proper use of suffering.
In a way these very out of the blue revelations have me on edge a little, because I know that everything happens for a reason and although I appreciate the gift of suffering more now, I'm still not eager to undergo it if that's what He has planned. However, in little ways they have been helpful reminders to offer up to God in love my little daily discomforts, a head cold, the incredibly cold weather, frustration with myself and my little everyday failings. In the meantime, I just pray for the grace to accept all things from God's hands joyfully as the gift that they are. What are the little (or big) gifts of suffering that He is giving you to offer up in love?
"For to you has been granted, for the sake of Christ, not only to believe in him but also to suffer for him." - Philipians 1:29
*******
AHHH!!! That's what it was, after posting this once I realized that during the gospel today, Feast of the Presentation, the one where Simeon tells Mary, "Behold, this child is destined for the fall and rise of many in Israel, and to be a sign that is contradicted -- and you yourself a sword will pierce -- so that the thoughts of many hearts may be revealed." The example of Mary is what prompted my line of thought this morning. Her sufferings were a means by which she became the Mother of us all, and thereby won innumerable souls for her Son. May we strive to imitate her selflessness. PAX
In Theology of the Spiritual Life the other day Fr. Roch was talking about the roll of suffering in conversion; how suffering purifies the soul of the believer. Then sometime this morning at Dominican, either in the end of Morning prayer or during Mass I can't remember where, something was said about Christ becoming man to show us how to suffer, to offer it as a sacrifice. There's no way that I'm going to fit the awesome mystery of the means of salvation into my poor very finite intellect but I suspect that it has something to do with the fact that God wanted to give us an example by His death of how to make proper use of suffering.
In a way these very out of the blue revelations have me on edge a little, because I know that everything happens for a reason and although I appreciate the gift of suffering more now, I'm still not eager to undergo it if that's what He has planned. However, in little ways they have been helpful reminders to offer up to God in love my little daily discomforts, a head cold, the incredibly cold weather, frustration with myself and my little everyday failings. In the meantime, I just pray for the grace to accept all things from God's hands joyfully as the gift that they are. What are the little (or big) gifts of suffering that He is giving you to offer up in love?
"For to you has been granted, for the sake of Christ, not only to believe in him but also to suffer for him." - Philipians 1:29
*******
AHHH!!! That's what it was, after posting this once I realized that during the gospel today, Feast of the Presentation, the one where Simeon tells Mary, "Behold, this child is destined for the fall and rise of many in Israel, and to be a sign that is contradicted -- and you yourself a sword will pierce -- so that the thoughts of many hearts may be revealed." The example of Mary is what prompted my line of thought this morning. Her sufferings were a means by which she became the Mother of us all, and thereby won innumerable souls for her Son. May we strive to imitate her selflessness. PAX
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Gratitude
So this could be kind of a rambly post. I don't really have one overwhelming idea like usual, just several things that I'm thankful for (3 to be exact), and a lot of joy. I wanted to reuse the title from my last post but I figured I could come up w/ something new. lol Anyways here are the graces God has been pouring into my life recently:
1. http://rzihashrimp.blogspot.com/ When I saw that my friend Cecilia Rziha had started a blog I was really excited. She is one of the deepest thinkers I've ever met; one of those folks who has given some thought to just about everything, an awesome woman of God. Not only that but God has used her blog to drop a couple Holy Spirit anvils on me already this year. I'm sure she's not going to appreciate this but a lamp is not lit to be hid under a bushel basket so go check it out.
2. Encouragement. The second thing I'm grateful for is tied to another friend's blog as well. A few weeks ago my friend Jackie posted a story she read. It totally nailed me:
"On the last day of our four-day trip, I told Jonathan we were going to drive to one of the lakes in the area. We weren't going to do the Mall or a show. He knew something was up and wasn't sure if he liked it. I pulled into a parking lot in our rental care and stopped next to the lake. Then I turned to my son and gave him a bit of a shock.
"Jonathon," I said, "let's trade places."
I paused, then went on. "I want you to get behind the wheel of this car and drive around the parking lot a bit.
Jonathan was stunned, especially because he is a bit of a rule keeper. "Dad - no! I am only twelve. I can't drive." I smiled and encouraged him that I would only have him drive around the parking lot for a few minutes. "Dad, I can't I am not big enough. This isn't good. Mom will not like this, Dad. Mom will not like this!"
When I finally talked him into it, he slipped into the driver's seat with fear and trembling. He slowly backed up, trying to imitate all he had seen me do over the years. Then he began rounding the parking lot. Before long, he was having fun. He's a boy, and like most boys he found driving a car natural and enticing. He was actually quite good at it, though I did stop him after a few minutes.
It was after this experience that a meaningful conversation ensued. I said, "Jonathan, how did you feel when you first took the wheel?"
He was honest. He acknowledged that he'd felt panicked, terrified that he couldn't do it."But you found out you could do it after all, didn't you?" I said.
When he agreed, I went on. "Jonathan, those feelings are exactly what you'll be feeling as you enter manhood. You will think you can't do it, that you don't know where you are going, but you won't want anyone to know how you're feeling. Being a man is a lot like taking the wheel of a car. You are no longer a passenger in life. You are a driver, responsible for getting to a destination and getting your passengers safely there as well. Growing up means becoming a drive instead of a passenger." http://aww-spiration.blogspot.com/2011/01/panicked-and-terrified-then-what.html
Jonathan made me laugh b/c I've been right there. I remember having similar arguments with my dad over driving the tractor and being terrified initially too. And in all honesty I feel like I'm still there in a way. My life has been crazy the last few months. With My Grandpa passing away in December, several friends getting either married or engaged, and summer internships deadlines looming I've been feeling a lot like the little kid in the story. I'm too young, too immature, too selfish...etc, to be making these big decisions, to be transitioning into the next phase of life. Through stories like this though, and through a hundred other little graces God's been reassuring me that with Him all things are possible, and for that I am forever grateful.
3. Father Roch and Theology of the Spiritual Life. This is the class I'm most excited about this semester. Fr. Roch is novice director for the Cistercians and around 80 years old with a thick Hungarian accent. To quote Fr. Roch's notes "the theology of the spiritual life is to be distinguished from other branches of theology not on the basis of its object but on the basis of the believing subject in whom the mysteries of faith become 'spirit and life.'" So basically, we're going to be guided by a saintly old monk in studying the lives of the saints, and reading some of the great spiritual writers of the church, with the goal not of gaining systematic knowledge, but of growing in holiness. Seriously?! I get college credit for this??? Awesome! This class is making me all the more grateful that God put a place like UD on the earth and then gave me the grace to stumble upon it.
So in summary: God is good! And while I'm still hopeless confused and wondering what the heck He is doing in my life and where He wants me to go, I know that He's the one in charge and that as stubborn as I am, I'm no match for Him. God bless, and quo vadis, where are you going?
1. http://rzihashrimp.blogspot.com/ When I saw that my friend Cecilia Rziha had started a blog I was really excited. She is one of the deepest thinkers I've ever met; one of those folks who has given some thought to just about everything, an awesome woman of God. Not only that but God has used her blog to drop a couple Holy Spirit anvils on me already this year. I'm sure she's not going to appreciate this but a lamp is not lit to be hid under a bushel basket so go check it out.
2. Encouragement. The second thing I'm grateful for is tied to another friend's blog as well. A few weeks ago my friend Jackie posted a story she read. It totally nailed me:
"On the last day of our four-day trip, I told Jonathan we were going to drive to one of the lakes in the area. We weren't going to do the Mall or a show. He knew something was up and wasn't sure if he liked it. I pulled into a parking lot in our rental care and stopped next to the lake. Then I turned to my son and gave him a bit of a shock.
"Jonathon," I said, "let's trade places."
I paused, then went on. "I want you to get behind the wheel of this car and drive around the parking lot a bit.
Jonathan was stunned, especially because he is a bit of a rule keeper. "Dad - no! I am only twelve. I can't drive." I smiled and encouraged him that I would only have him drive around the parking lot for a few minutes. "Dad, I can't I am not big enough. This isn't good. Mom will not like this, Dad. Mom will not like this!"
When I finally talked him into it, he slipped into the driver's seat with fear and trembling. He slowly backed up, trying to imitate all he had seen me do over the years. Then he began rounding the parking lot. Before long, he was having fun. He's a boy, and like most boys he found driving a car natural and enticing. He was actually quite good at it, though I did stop him after a few minutes.
It was after this experience that a meaningful conversation ensued. I said, "Jonathan, how did you feel when you first took the wheel?"
He was honest. He acknowledged that he'd felt panicked, terrified that he couldn't do it."But you found out you could do it after all, didn't you?" I said.
When he agreed, I went on. "Jonathan, those feelings are exactly what you'll be feeling as you enter manhood. You will think you can't do it, that you don't know where you are going, but you won't want anyone to know how you're feeling. Being a man is a lot like taking the wheel of a car. You are no longer a passenger in life. You are a driver, responsible for getting to a destination and getting your passengers safely there as well. Growing up means becoming a drive instead of a passenger." http://aww-spiration.blogspot.com/2011/01/panicked-and-terrified-then-what.html
Jonathan made me laugh b/c I've been right there. I remember having similar arguments with my dad over driving the tractor and being terrified initially too. And in all honesty I feel like I'm still there in a way. My life has been crazy the last few months. With My Grandpa passing away in December, several friends getting either married or engaged, and summer internships deadlines looming I've been feeling a lot like the little kid in the story. I'm too young, too immature, too selfish...etc, to be making these big decisions, to be transitioning into the next phase of life. Through stories like this though, and through a hundred other little graces God's been reassuring me that with Him all things are possible, and for that I am forever grateful.
3. Father Roch and Theology of the Spiritual Life. This is the class I'm most excited about this semester. Fr. Roch is novice director for the Cistercians and around 80 years old with a thick Hungarian accent. To quote Fr. Roch's notes "the theology of the spiritual life is to be distinguished from other branches of theology not on the basis of its object but on the basis of the believing subject in whom the mysteries of faith become 'spirit and life.'" So basically, we're going to be guided by a saintly old monk in studying the lives of the saints, and reading some of the great spiritual writers of the church, with the goal not of gaining systematic knowledge, but of growing in holiness. Seriously?! I get college credit for this??? Awesome! This class is making me all the more grateful that God put a place like UD on the earth and then gave me the grace to stumble upon it.
So in summary: God is good! And while I'm still hopeless confused and wondering what the heck He is doing in my life and where He wants me to go, I know that He's the one in charge and that as stubborn as I am, I'm no match for Him. God bless, and quo vadis, where are you going?
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
He is Faithful
Sorry for the long span between posts, a lot has been happening in my life in the last 4 weeks. I'd been waiting to be ready to write a post on all of it, but right now I feel a bit like the little boy who St. Augustine saw trying to fit the whole ocean into a whole in the sand. It's going to be a while before I'm ready to write about it.
However, after coming out of adoration tonight I was yet again so amazed at God's faithfulness that I had to get on and share it. It's been a tiring week. I feel like I've been gradually worn down. Today was a continuation of that theme. I slept through my alarm, missing mass, and then proceeded (I'm a little embarrassed to admit this) to sleep until 10:30 because no one came in to wake me up. I went to work and was hoping to finish in time to make the 6:00 Mass at St. Catherine's. That required quitting around 5. I was about 25 minutes late getting into the house because of a few little things that popped up at the end of work. Thanks to a super fast shower I was going to be able to make it but as I walked out the door around 5:35, Jay, our afternoon milker, hollered to me from across yard. The bulls were out and he needed help getting them back in because they were being really stupid. In the process the baby calves freaked out and three of them got out too. Suffice to say I didn't make it to Mass which only added to the frustration already inherent in chasing bulls all over the farm. However, while all this running and yelling and getting frustrated is going on the sky is lit up in a glorious sunset. If you look back through my posts you'll see one of my favorite's on the Theology of a Sunset. I guess I kind of look at sunsets the way Noah must have looked at rainbows, they're a sign of God's faithfulness and love to me. I have to laugh now looking back because while I was not exactly in the best mind set for appreciating the sunset, I got two texts from different friends prompting me praise God for the beauty of this evening.
As I walked back into the house at 6, I knew there was some reason why God had kept me from getting to mass that evening, but I didn't have a clue what it could be because I felt like I really needed that grace right now. After eating supper with Mom and Dad, Mom asked if I wanted to ride into St. Jude's with her and go to adoration while she was at choir practice since I'd missed mass. Then Dad pointed out that St. Jude's had mass that evening at 6:30. It was weird that all three of us had forgotten that. I drove my mom into practice and as we were walking in we literally almost ran into Fr. Vacha who was getting ready to head back to the rectory after mass. Talk about timing. One of the reasons I was disappointed at not making it to St. Catherine's is because I'd really wanted to go to confession. So I got my confession in and went to the adoration chapel. After doing my penance, and reading a chapter from Wild at Heart (good book btw), I decided to pray evening prayer. Wow. In doing so I discovered the reason why I had missed mass. God really wanted me in that adoration chapel praying evening prayer. I normally don't sing or even read through the opening song but for some reason tonight I started reading the second option for the opening hymn. Read through it here and make sure to say the refrain each time:
Refrain:
For to those who love God,
Who are called in His plan,
Everything works out for good.
And God Himself chose them
To bear the likeness of His Son
That He might be the first of many, many brothers.
Who is able to condemn? Only Christ who dies for us;
Christ who rose for us, Christ who prays for us.
Refrain
In the face of all this, what is there left to say?
For if God is for us, who can be against us?
Refrain
Who can separated us from the love of Christ?
Neither trouble, nor pain, nor persecution.
Refrain
What can separate us from the love of Christ?
Not the past, the present, nor the future.
The first time through the refrain I was kinda like "yeah, whatever." Then it gets your attention with the first verse and then, bam, right back to the refrain, then total simplicity in the second verse, and complete confidence in the last two verses and by the end of it God has told you like 5 times that its fine because you're part of His plan and you're His son through being the brother of Christ so He's gonna take care of you. I don't know maybe it sounds like making a big deal out of nothing but the Holy Spirit was totally telling me what I had been needing to hear. Then the psalms for that night were incredible. I thought about typing them too but that would make this post even ridiculously longer. If you're interested though they were Psalm 62 "In God alone is my soul at rest" Amen. Psalm 67 "O God be gracious and bless us and let your face shine upon us." And finally, Col 1:12-20 "He rescued us from the power of darkness...Through Him we have redemption, the forgiveness of our sins."
Now the real kicker, I had my breviary tabbed wrong. I should have been on Wednesday Week III but I was on Week II, so when I went to do the reading what was it? "He rescued us from the power of darkness...Through Him we have redemption, the forgiveness of our sins." Col 1 again. God is good. He knew I was too stubborn to let it sink in in just one read through. He was ministering to me so much in that moment that I almost stopped so I could start writing it down because I've been meaning to write out all the ways He has shown me His faithfulness in the last weeks, but I kept on. I thought maybe He might not be done yet. He wasn't. I was already so grateful, but when I got to the intercessions the response was "Lord, show us your compassion." I almost didn't pray it. He'd already shown me His goodness so clearly I felt unworthy to receive anymore, but then I thought of it from the standpoint of obedience. He was asking me, to ask Him, to show His compassion. So I asked. The rest of the petitions were arranged from all time in the mind of God to speak to me where I am right now, they touched on the sacred liturgy (which I had been upset about missing and yet had brought me to that very place), spiritual and physical healing (which my soul is in desperate need of), hope to those in torment and to those in sin that they may rejoice in God (me again), release for captives (wow, again, really? that's me too), and finally to let the dead pass through the door to heaven, Christ (May eternal light shine upon him).
Finally the closing prayer was that we may be filled with the radiance of God. Thank you Lord. So I don't know what He has planned, but I know above all else He is forever faithful, and He just made me pray for Him to show me His compassion. If the last few weeks are any indication it could get interesting. Maybe you'll hear about it in another blog post in the not to distant future. We'll see. Also sorry I'm so dang long winded, I'm gonna work on simplicity this year, including in my writing.
"In the face of all this, what is there left to say?
For if God is for us, who can be against us?"
Quo Vadis, where are you headed?
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