“A time for every affair under heaven.” Eccl 3:1

JMJ+OBT March 26, 2011

Hey y’all! So I realized I needed to squeak in a blog post while I had time today or I’d have so many experiences to relate when I finally got around to blogging next time that it would be an unreadably long post. This last week, beginning with our campus retreat, Crusader Awakening #3 has been one incredible God moment after another. So much has happened in the last 5 days that I feel a little dazed and at a loss for what is next but if there’s anything that I’m fully aware of after this last week it’s that He the one with the plan and that’s all that matters.

All the craziness in my life really began about three weeks ago after coming back to UD from the wedding of two good friends. I rode the high from this awesome weekend in Kansas for a few days but eventually the reality of growing up began to set in. I basically had four big choices weighing on my mind. One was the looming decision about summer plans, whether to take an internship, or stay home on the farm which in turn related to the larger discernment of career choices. Vocational discernment was also really weighing on me at the same time, especially as it related to a particular relationship with a good friend. I’m really not normally an anxious person but all of these major decisions were really giving me a lot of stress. Ultimately it came down to a lack of trust, and a serious lack of self-confidence and confidence in God. Luckily God has blessed me with some amazing friends one of whom spent several hours over those two weeks trying to get it through my thick, german-farmer head that God was in charge and everything was going to be alright. I was really struggling with it though, which I realized, thanks to my friend was really a temptation of the devil. With this and other valuable insights on my mind but not yet in my heart I left for CA#3 Friday after school praying for clarity in all these decisions.

I was a little apprehensive going into CA#3. My experience freshman year as a retreatant on CA#1 had been good, but it hadn’t been an amazing, Holy Spirit moving weekend. I was also a little nervous about serving as a table parent as I really struggle in new groups like the table families. This provided lots of opportunities to trust God as there were a lot of occasions where I felt inadequate to the task at hand. And did He ever come through. After kind of a slow, awkward start Friday night our table really opened up and it was incredible to see the Spirit working in and through them. One of my favorite moments on Saturday was a meditation given by my good friend and roommate from freshman year, David Ringwald. I’ve gotta call him out by name because it was a ridiculously amazing talk. David is pretty meek and quiet most of the time but when the Holy Spirit so wills he is an incredibly powerful and captivating speaker. Right after his talk we moved into adoration and I realized that my lack of confidence from the previous two weeks was actually because I doubted whether I really loved God or not. Of course I wanted to love God but I’d been so discouraged by my continual failures and shortcomings that part of me doubted if I really loved God. I mean after all I thought, if I really loved God I wouldn’t keep falling into the same old pitfalls. And if I didn’t really love God then what was to say that I wouldn’t make the wrong decision and choose something selfish rather than what God had planned for me.

Needless to say this was also a temptation of the devil. I was unwilling to accept the fact that I was a broken human being and that I was going to fail sometimes. I expected myself to be perfect or at least not really really messed up and it was killing me. This too as David pointed out was a trap, actually one of the oldest traps. He used two examples from the bible that I want to repeat because they made a lot of sense to me. The first was of Adam and Eve. Ultimately at the fall they ate the fruit in the Garden of Eden because they wanted to be like gods, aka they wouldn’t need God. But humans weren’t created to be independent. Even before the fall it was not good for man to be alone. Adam needed Eve. In transgressing God’s instruction they tried to become what they were not: God, and so sin entered the world. His other example was of Moses before the burning bush. Once God gets Moses’s attention and tells him that He wants him to deliver the Israelites, Moses protests saying that the elders will never believe him. To reassure him God gives Moses his very name I AM and promises to turn his staff into a snake. Moses protests one last time saying that he is not eloquent, and has never been one for words. God then promises to send Aaron along with him to speak on his behalf. Take a second to think about this. God gave Moses His very name, and was willing to turn a piece of wood into a reptile but yet He was unwilling to give Moses the gift of eloquence. He was unwilling to give Moses all the gifts; he had to rely on his cousin to accomplish the task that God had given him. It’s the same for us. We don’t have all the gifts and each one of us is broken and weak in our own unique ways. The beautiful thing is that that’s the way God has designed it to work. As a member of the Mystical Body of Christ, MBOC, our weakness are filled up by the Holy Spirit working through our brothers and sisters in Christ in the same way that we fill up their weakness with our gifts and talents. If we were not broken and weak we wouldn’t need the support of our neighbor; we wouldn’t need the redemption provided by our Savior. This understanding of what it means to accept my brokenness and offer it back to God as a sacrifice was a huge breakthrough for me on the weekend.

The CA#3 graces weren’t exhausted yet though. One of the most powerful experiences on the weekend came Sunday afternoon during the passion skit. A year ago when I went Aggie Awakening at Texas A&M, I’d been part (a small part, 1 of 300) of their passion skit, which due to the fact that they’d been doing it for like 30 years, was pretty much down to a science. I remember it being good but it wasn’t amazing. However, this weekend on our little production the Holy Spirit was definitely working in an intense way. The memory is still vivid in my mind of the seminarian acting Jesus carrying his cross rounding the corner and coming towards my table family. (Before I go any farther I need to explain that I see God so powerfully in the beauty of the created world. For a more detailed description see Theology of a Sunset at http://quo-vadis-deum.blogspot.com/2010/11/theology-of-sunset.html. Sunsets to me are unique, masterful, personal expressions of God’s love for me, perfect in God’s Providential design.) As Jesus rounded that corner, the reality of what he underwent to save me from my sins hit me like it never had before. Not only did He endure unbelievable suffering but He willed to do it out of love for me. The passion, crucifixion and death of our Lord was not something that was forced upon Him, something He had to go through unwillingly. It was something He chose. Just as he makes each sunset a perfect masterpiece to express His great love for us, His passion was an infinitely greater and more perfect sign of His love for us. I saw the same intentional, personal, perfect love in the passion that I’d observed in sunsets. In that instant a little voice or a thought or whatever went through my mind, “Anthony so far you’ve been content with sunsets. Come to the meal.” Whoa… Right away my reaction was to echo Mary’s response “Let it be done unto me according to your will.” So I have no idea what I just agreed to there, but I’ve seen His goodness and His faithfulness enough to know that’s the kind of prayer that He answers. My only other thought was “God, that’s how I want to love.” Let it be so.

I’m only half way through my week at this point! Sunday night after retreat two good friends from Kansas were in town staying with a friend down here. We didn’t have the chance to talk much but we did get Night Prayer in together (aside: I forgot how nice it is to say Liturgy of the Hours in a large group). I was busy pretty much all of Monday until dinner which was home cooked by my friends (another aside: I also forgot how wonderful real spaghetti is!). After dinner and several detours later, my friend shared with me the incredible way that God had been unfolding her vocation to her over the last three weeks. It was simply awe inspiring to see the so very powerful way He had worked in her life. Through that conversation and through the graces of the Holy Spirit something clicked for me. I’d been struggling with my vocation so much the last few weeks, but through her story God granted me the clarity that I’d been praying for. It was borderline overwhelming. I still don’t have a clue what He wills for me, but He gave me a grace of peace and surrender that I wouldn’t have been able to imagine before. Immediately after this conversation we headed to the Church of the Incarnation on campus for a rosary that some folks had put together for one of the retreatants who had been on my table at CA#3. Her mother was terminally ill, and she was flying home to Virginia in a few days basically to say goodbye. We got there a little early and as we sat there waiting the people just kept coming and coming. By the time the rosary actually started the church was well over 2/3rds full, probably around 300 people (to give you an idea that’s 1/4 of our student body). A lot of the folks from CA#3 were there and I don’t know if I’ve ever seen a more powerful representation of the Mystical Body of Christ. I was talking with David as we left and he said he thought we just witnessed a minor miracle to see that many UD students not doing homework on a Monday night. It truly was an amazing testament to the community.

The next morning I caught mass, morning prayer and breakfast with my friend before they left. As I was walking to work after they left I checked my phone and found a voicemail from Senator Roberts office offering me an intern position this summer for the month of June. God wasn’t letting up. Not satisfied with resolving one of my major discernment issues He plowed right ahead bringing the decision over what to do this summer to a head. I wrestled with the choice for about the next full day. I really, really would like to be back on the farm this summer and have the chance to see my friends, make a TEC, and maybe make it up to Salina dioceses for Prayer and Action. At the same time the only reason I felt like I should go to DC was because it seemed like the prudential thing to do. Finally Tuesday afternoon I decided that while I’ve been feeling less and less called to politics over the last year, I’m still not completely confident that I’m not called to it. Since not taking the internship would be basically akin to committing to not going into politics I decided I should accept the offer. Also, it seemed like a good opportunity to discern if God is calling me to something in politics or if that door can be closed for good. After making the decision it was already too late to call them back that day and accept so I decided to sleep on it for a night. I was really uneasy with the choice all evening, just really out of sorts. Finally about 10pm that night after saying the rosary with some friends, one of them could tell I was freaking out about something and offered to talk it through with me. After trying to reassure me for about 15 min, my friend mentioned that another one of our friends was applying with the USCCB, and was going to try and stay with a religious community in DC if they got the position. I guessed I’d really been worried about being away from a support structure and folks to hold me accountable, because after he said this I was completely at ease just absolutely at peace with the choice. Here my friend was thinking he was going to need to make some deep theological point and he just needed to tell me of a place to stay.

Ok so quick recap: At this point within 72 hours God has given me the grace to realize and confront one of my biggest spiritual struggles, discern two major short term decisions, put my at peace with my two major long term discernments, and in general completely turned my world on its head. And I’m still not done yet.

The next major God moment happened Thursday morning. I should explain at this point that I am so not a morning person. I can wake up early but it takes me a good 5 minutes of being out of bed before a coherent thought goes through my head. The brain is just kinda mush before that. Anyways, Thursday morning I wake up before my alarm (this also NEVER happens, which was all the more miraculous considering I hadn’t gotten more than 5 hours of sleep all week and the two nights previous had both been around 4 hours a piece). Before I even really realize I’m awake a thought goes through my head clear as day “Be ready to take up your cross.” I automatically responded “ok” and then passed back out. Again I’m not sure what that means, but it was just amazing to me how clear and definite it was. That afternoon I got a letter from a friend. The front of the envelope looked perfectly innocent but as I flip it over there’s written in large black sharpie “CAUTION: This letter written by the Holy Spirit @ 1am, Mar 20th…I’m not sure if it makes any sense. : )” At this point I was nervous. Turns out the warning was right. My friend, who had no idea what I had been going through, totally nailed me all the way down the line. Seriously she touched almost every spiritual theme that had been on my mind that weekend on CA#3 and the three days after. Holy cow! Talk about the power of the Holy Spirit. Towards the end of the letter, she had a question for me. She’d been talking about our love for God, how it was real, how it affected the way we lived. But her (the Holy Spirit’s) question was “What’s stopping you from dying for it?” Wow. Exactly what I needed to be asked. So many of the things I’d spent most of my spiritual time over the last 6 months struggling with had been totally resolved in the last 5 days and to be honest I’d been kind of at a loss as to what was next. At one point I just prayed something like, God, the ball’s back in your court. I’m ready and willing to move just show me what to do. How silly of me to wonder how God would do it, just goes to show my lack of imagination, and the absolute perfection of His plan. Since this letter from my friend I’ve put that question up around my room and have just been asking God to reveal the hidden conceits of my heart, the parts of me that are keeping me from giving myself totally and absolutely to Him.

So needless to say, I don’t have any idea where I am going in life. Sure I’ll be in DC this summer, but beyond that I am just putting one foot in front of the other. God’s illuminating just as much of the path as I need to be able to see at this moment. Please keep my continued conversion in your prayers. You all are in mine. See you in the Eucharist! Until then, quo vadis, where are you going?

Big Bend

First off, many apologies for the incredible span of time between posts (I wonder how many times I've started a blog entry like this. lol.) The evening before I left for Spring Break I very nearly finished a post on Fr. Roch's Theology of the Spiritual Life class, but it didn't happen and it's still waiting to be completed. I figured though that I should write about the 5 days I spent hiking through Big Bend National Park while it's still fresh in my mind.

This is the trail we took through the desert, around a 35 mile loop.

We went camping quite a bit as kids, but never anything so serious as backpacking through the desert. I didn't really know what to expect from the trip. To a certain extent I was really struggling for clarity in discerning my vocation and summer plans the week before and hoping that this trek through the desert might help some. It was almost three days on the trail before I remembered that I'd been hoping to spend sometime thinking about this. Between learning the in's and out's of backpacking and the concentration needed to look out for bears, snakes, and good footing while on the trail this other goal got submerged in doing what was necessary. I was joking with a friend when I got back that perhaps the lesson I was supposed to learn and the clarity that I received over the week was that I needed to focus on just taking the next step and getting to the top of the next hill and not worry so much about the big picture until God, in His perfect time, deems it right. You'd think I'd get that through my thick head eventually.

That's not to say that it wasn't a spiritual experience. The grand views and just sheer beauty and majesty of creation proclaimed God's goodness and infinite love so loudly all weekend long. In a way it was like being back on the Rome semester in that the beauty of the place was just so amazing that it hardly seemed like it could be part of the same world (much less state) as Irving. There was an additional significance to the beauty of the views though because we had to work for them, really hard. It wasn't like driving your car through a pretty place, something that anyone with some extra time and a love of nature can appreciate but we had to sweat and strain ourselves for those views. This was most impressed upon me on the last night on the trail. By our third and final night on the trail we had covered 30+ miles. That day we started by walking 2 hrs through the desert to an old ranch house and filling up with water, increasing our pack weight almost by a third. The house is the little blip at the base of the big hill in the pic.(Quick aside: this was one of two times while we were in the desert that we ran across the remains of old homesteads. There was nothing quite as crazy for a farm kid as seeing a row of ancient fence posts stretching across such a barren landscape. The views would have been incredible but I don't know how anyone could've been insane enough to try and make a living out there. Next time I catch myself thinking we've got it hard back home on the farm I hope I think back to those fence posts in the middle of the desert and realize how blessed I really am.) Back to the third day though, after filling up with water we proceeded to walk about 2 miles up a dry, sandy creek bed (worst idea for a trail path EVER!). Already tired from walking uphill with full packs through sand we had to climb 6,000 feet up onto the rim of the Chisos Basin while the wonderful Texas sun blazed away. For me this was by far the hardest day on the trail, but we finally got up onto the rim and made it to our campsite for the night around 5pm. After making camp; boiling water for tea; and cooking dinner, rice, cashews, chicken and taco seasoning (it may not sound great but considering the circumstances it tasted like a culinary masterpiece), we settled down on a row of rocks and watched the sun set. Our campsite was right on the Southwest rim of the basin literally 20 feet from the edge. The view was incredible we could see the whole canyon we'd walked up that day as well as the desert up to the Rio Grande (about 20 miles away) and then the cliffs on the Mexican side and mountains on behind them (probably 50+ miles). This isn't from our trip, I got the pic off of google, but it's almost the exact spot were we ate dinner.It wasn't the most remarkable sunset I've ever had the privilege to see but it was amazing and in light of everything we'd invested to get to that point, I think Mr. McDonough nailed it when he said that it was an experience you only get 4 or 5 times in a lifetime. He also said that watching the sunset you seemed to forget about the climbing the hill and the creek bed and every other difficulty that it took to get there. This struck me as especially profound in light of my earlier comparison between hiking and the day to day struggle of the Christian life. Sometimes it seems to me like the struggle for perfection is a never ending monotonous climb uphill under a blazing sun, but that's when I have to remember the goal of the entire struggle, the summit of the path, unity with God. In those moments like watching that sunset, all our daily struggles find their true perspective and meaning in that they bring us closer to God.


Hopefully I make it back to blogging again a little sooner next time, there's a lot floating around in my head that I should sort out and write down. Until then though "quo vadis" where are you headed?