Gratitude

So this could be kind of a rambly post. I don't really have one overwhelming idea like usual, just several things that I'm thankful for (3 to be exact), and a lot of joy. I wanted to reuse the title from my last post but I figured I could come up w/ something new. lol Anyways here are the graces God has been pouring into my life recently:

1. http://rzihashrimp.blogspot.com/ When I saw that my friend Cecilia Rziha had started a blog I was really excited. She is one of the deepest thinkers I've ever met; one of those folks who has given some thought to just about everything, an awesome woman of God. Not only that but God has used her blog to drop a couple Holy Spirit anvils on me already this year. I'm sure she's not going to appreciate this but a lamp is not lit to be hid under a bushel basket so go check it out.

2. Encouragement. The second thing I'm grateful for is tied to another friend's blog as well. A few weeks ago my friend Jackie posted a story she read. It totally nailed me:

"On the last day of our four-day trip, I told Jonathan we were going to drive to one of the lakes in the area. We weren't going to do the Mall or a show. He knew something was up and wasn't sure if he liked it. I pulled into a parking lot in our rental care and stopped next to the lake. Then I turned to my son and gave him a bit of a shock.
"Jonathon," I said, "let's trade places."
I paused, then went on. "I want you to get behind the wheel of this car and drive around the parking lot a bit.
Jonathan was stunned, especially because he is a bit of a rule keeper. "Dad - no! I am only twelve. I can't drive." I smiled and encouraged him that I would only have him drive around the parking lot for a few minutes. "Dad, I can't I am not big enough. This isn't good. Mom will not like this, Dad. Mom will not like this!"
When I finally talked him into it, he slipped into the driver's seat with fear and trembling. He slowly backed up, trying to imitate all he had seen me do over the years. Then he began rounding the parking lot. Before long, he was having fun. He's a boy, and like most boys he found driving a car natural and enticing. He was actually quite good at it, though I did stop him after a few minutes.
It was after this experience that a meaningful conversation ensued. I said, "Jonathan, how did you feel when you first took the wheel?"
He was honest. He acknowledged that he'd felt panicked, terrified that he couldn't do it."But you found out you could do it after all, didn't you?" I said.
When he agreed, I went on. "Jonathan, those feelings are exactly what you'll be feeling as you enter manhood. You will think you can't do it, that you don't know where you are going, but you won't want anyone to know how you're feeling. Being a man is a lot like taking the wheel of a car. You are no longer a passenger in life. You are a driver, responsible for getting to a destination and getting your passengers safely there as well. Growing up means becoming a drive instead of a passenger." http://aww-spiration.blogspot.com/2011/01/panicked-and-terrified-then-what.html

Jonathan made me laugh b/c I've been right there. I remember having similar arguments with my dad over driving the tractor and being terrified initially too. And in all honesty I feel like I'm still there in a way. My life has been crazy the last few months. With My Grandpa passing away in December, several friends getting either married or engaged, and summer internships deadlines looming I've been feeling a lot like the little kid in the story. I'm too young, too immature, too selfish...etc, to be making these big decisions, to be transitioning into the next phase of life. Through stories like this though, and through a hundred other little graces God's been reassuring me that with Him all things are possible, and for that I am forever grateful.

3. Father Roch and Theology of the Spiritual Life. This is the class I'm most excited about this semester. Fr. Roch is novice director for the Cistercians and around 80 years old with a thick Hungarian accent. To quote Fr. Roch's notes "the theology of the spiritual life is to be distinguished from other branches of theology not on the basis of its object but on the basis of the believing subject in whom the mysteries of faith become 'spirit and life.'" So basically, we're going to be guided by a saintly old monk in studying the lives of the saints, and reading some of the great spiritual writers of the church, with the goal not of gaining systematic knowledge, but of growing in holiness. Seriously?! I get college credit for this??? Awesome! This class is making me all the more grateful that God put a place like UD on the earth and then gave me the grace to stumble upon it.

So in summary: God is good! And while I'm still hopeless confused and wondering what the heck He is doing in my life and where He wants me to go, I know that He's the one in charge and that as stubborn as I am, I'm no match for Him. God bless, and quo vadis, where are you going?

He is Faithful

Sorry for the long span between posts, a lot has been happening in my life in the last 4 weeks. I'd been waiting to be ready to write a post on all of it, but right now I feel a bit like the little boy who St. Augustine saw trying to fit the whole ocean into a whole in the sand. It's going to be a while before I'm ready to write about it.

However, after coming out of adoration tonight I was yet again so amazed at God's faithfulness that I had to get on and share it. It's been a tiring week. I feel like I've been gradually worn down. Today was a continuation of that theme. I slept through my alarm, missing mass, and then proceeded (I'm a little embarrassed to admit this) to sleep until 10:30 because no one came in to wake me up. I went to work and was hoping to finish in time to make the 6:00 Mass at St. Catherine's. That required quitting around 5. I was about 25 minutes late getting into the house because of a few little things that popped up at the end of work. Thanks to a super fast shower I was going to be able to make it but as I walked out the door around 5:35, Jay, our afternoon milker, hollered to me from across yard. The bulls were out and he needed help getting them back in because they were being really stupid. In the process the baby calves freaked out and three of them got out too. Suffice to say I didn't make it to Mass which only added to the frustration already inherent in chasing bulls all over the farm. However, while all this running and yelling and getting frustrated is going on the sky is lit up in a glorious sunset. If you look back through my posts you'll see one of my favorite's on the Theology of a Sunset. I guess I kind of look at sunsets the way Noah must have looked at rainbows, they're a sign of God's faithfulness and love to me. I have to laugh now looking back because while I was not exactly in the best mind set for appreciating the sunset, I got two texts from different friends prompting me praise God for the beauty of this evening.

As I walked back into the house at 6, I knew there was some reason why God had kept me from getting to mass that evening, but I didn't have a clue what it could be because I felt like I really needed that grace right now. After eating supper with Mom and Dad, Mom asked if I wanted to ride into St. Jude's with her and go to adoration while she was at choir practice since I'd missed mass. Then Dad pointed out that St. Jude's had mass that evening at 6:30. It was weird that all three of us had forgotten that. I drove my mom into practice and as we were walking in we literally almost ran into Fr. Vacha who was getting ready to head back to the rectory after mass. Talk about timing. One of the reasons I was disappointed at not making it to St. Catherine's is because I'd really wanted to go to confession. So I got my confession in and went to the adoration chapel. After doing my penance, and reading a chapter from Wild at Heart (good book btw), I decided to pray evening prayer. Wow. In doing so I discovered the reason why I had missed mass. God really wanted me in that adoration chapel praying evening prayer. I normally don't sing or even read through the opening song but for some reason tonight I started reading the second option for the opening hymn. Read through it here and make sure to say the refrain each time:

Refrain:
For to those who love God,
Who are called in His plan,
Everything works out for good.
And God Himself chose them
To bear the likeness of His Son
That He might be the first of many, many brothers.

Who is able to condemn? Only Christ who dies for us;
Christ who rose for us, Christ who prays for us.

Refrain

In the face of all this, what is there left to say?
For if God is for us, who can be against us?

Refrain

Who can separated us from the love of Christ?
Neither trouble, nor pain, nor persecution.

Refrain

What can separate us from the love of Christ?
Not the past, the present, nor the future.

The first time through the refrain I was kinda like "yeah, whatever." Then it gets your attention with the first verse and then, bam, right back to the refrain, then total simplicity in the second verse, and complete confidence in the last two verses and by the end of it God has told you like 5 times that its fine because you're part of His plan and you're His son through being the brother of Christ so He's gonna take care of you. I don't know maybe it sounds like making a big deal out of nothing but the Holy Spirit was totally telling me what I had been needing to hear. Then the psalms for that night were incredible. I thought about typing them too but that would make this post even ridiculously longer. If you're interested though they were Psalm 62 "In God alone is my soul at rest" Amen. Psalm 67 "O God be gracious and bless us and let your face shine upon us." And finally, Col 1:12-20 "He rescued us from the power of darkness...Through Him we have redemption, the forgiveness of our sins."

Now the real kicker, I had my breviary tabbed wrong. I should have been on Wednesday Week III but I was on Week II, so when I went to do the reading what was it? "He rescued us from the power of darkness...Through Him we have redemption, the forgiveness of our sins." Col 1 again. God is good. He knew I was too stubborn to let it sink in in just one read through. He was ministering to me so much in that moment that I almost stopped so I could start writing it down because I've been meaning to write out all the ways He has shown me His faithfulness in the last weeks, but I kept on. I thought maybe He might not be done yet. He wasn't. I was already so grateful, but when I got to the intercessions the response was "Lord, show us your compassion." I almost didn't pray it. He'd already shown me His goodness so clearly I felt unworthy to receive anymore, but then I thought of it from the standpoint of obedience. He was asking me, to ask Him, to show His compassion. So I asked. The rest of the petitions were arranged from all time in the mind of God to speak to me where I am right now, they touched on the sacred liturgy (which I had been upset about missing and yet had brought me to that very place), spiritual and physical healing (which my soul is in desperate need of), hope to those in torment and to those in sin that they may rejoice in God (me again), release for captives (wow, again, really? that's me too), and finally to let the dead pass through the door to heaven, Christ (May eternal light shine upon him).

Finally the closing prayer was that we may be filled with the radiance of God. Thank you Lord. So I don't know what He has planned, but I know above all else He is forever faithful, and He just made me pray for Him to show me His compassion. If the last few weeks are any indication it could get interesting. Maybe you'll hear about it in another blog post in the not to distant future. We'll see. Also sorry I'm so dang long winded, I'm gonna work on simplicity this year, including in my writing.

"In the face of all this, what is there left to say?
For if God is for us, who can be against us?"

Quo Vadis, where are you headed?