Quo Vadis

You are the light of the world!

2012-02-17T22:08:00.000-08:00

So I normally try not to just repost things that other people have already written but this is too good not to pass along. The theme for our campus retreat this year is Mt5:14-16, "You are the light of the world. A city set on a mountain cannot be hidden. Nor do they light a lamp and then put it under a bushel basket; it is set on a lampstand, where it gives light to all in the house. Just so, your light must shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your heavenly Father." Our retreat is going to be so awesome that the Pope personally wrote a meditation just for it (actually he wrote it a few months before we chose the verse but we can pretend). It's rather long but so worth the read. If I may be so bold, I also want to ask for your prayers for the team and retreatants that will be on Crusader Awakening #4 from March 16th to 18th. Thank you dear brothers and sisters! Momma keep you!

Pope Benedict XVI to the youth of Germany

Dear young friends,

Throughout today I have been looking forward to this evening, and to this opportunity to be together with you and to join you in prayer. No doubt some of you were present at World Youth Day, where we were able to experience the special atmosphere of peace, deep fellowship and inner joy that characterizes an evening prayer vigil. It is my wish that we may experience the same thing now: that the Lord may touch our hearts and make us joyful witnesses who pray together and support one another, not just this evening but throughout our lives.

In all churches, in cathedrals and religious houses, wherever the faithful gather to celebrate the Easter Vigil, that holiest of all nights begins with the lighting of the Paschal candle, whose light is then passed on to all who are present. One tiny flame spreads out to become many lights and fills the darkness of God's house with its brightness. This wonderful liturgical rite, which we have imitated in our prayer vigil tonight, reveals to us in signs more eloquent than words the mystery of our Christian faith. Jesus who says of himself: "I am the light of the world" (Jn 8:12), causes our lives to shine brightly, so that what we have just heard in the Gospel comes true: "You are the light of the world" (Mt 5:14).

It is not our human efforts or the technical progress of our era that brings light into this world. Again and again we have to experience how our striving to bring about a better and more just world hits against its limits. Innocent suffering and the ultimate fact of death awaiting every single person are an impenetrable darkness which may perhaps, through fresh experiences, be lit up for a moment, as if through a flash of lightning at night. In the end, though, a frightening darkness remains.

While all around us there may be darkness and gloom, yet we see a light: a small, tiny flame that is stronger than the seemingly powerful and invincible darkness. Christ, risen from the dead, shines in this world and he does so most brightly in those places where, in human terms, everything is sombre and hopeless. He has conquered death - he is alive - and faith in him, like a small light, cuts through all that is dark and threatening. To be sure, those who believe in Jesus do not lead lives of perpetual sunshine, as though they could be spared suffering and hardship, but there is always a bright glimmer there, lighting up the path that leads to fullness of life (cf. Jn 10:10). The eyes of those who believe in Christ see light even amid the darkest night and they already see the dawning of a new day.

Light does not remain alone. All around, other lights are flaring up. In their gleam, space acquires contours, so that we can find our bearings. We do not live alone in this world. And it is for the important things of life that we have to rely on other people. Particularly in our faith, then, we do not stand alone, we are links in the great chain of believers. Nobody can believe unless he is supported by the faith of others, and conversely, through my faith, I help to strengthen others in their faith. We help one another to set an example, we give others a share in what is ours: our thoughts, our deeds, our affections. And we help one another to find our bearings, to work out where we stand in society.

Dear friends, the Lord says: "I am the light of the world - you are the light of the world." It is mysterious and wonderful that Jesus applies the same predicate to himself and to each one of us, namely "light". If we believe that he is the Son of God, who healed the sick and raised the dead, who rose from the grave himself and is truly alive, then we can understand that he is the light, the source of all the lights of this world. On the other hand, we experience more and more the failure of our efforts and our personal shortcomings, despite our best intentions.

In the final analysis, the world in which we live, in spite of its technical progress, does not seem to be getting any better. There is still war and terror, hunger and disease, bitter poverty and merciless oppression. And even those figures in our history who saw themselves as "bringers of light", but without being fired by Christ, the one true light, did not manage to create an earthly paradise, but set up dictatorships and totalitarian systems, in which even the smallest spark of true humanity is choked.

At this point we cannot remain silent about the existence of evil. We see it in so many places in this world; but we also see it - and this scares us - in our own lives. Truly, within our hearts there is a tendency towards evil, there is selfishness, envy, aggression. Perhaps with a certain self-discipline all this can to some degree be controlled. But it becomes more difficult with faults that are somewhat hidden, that can engulf us like a thick fog, such as sloth, or laziness in willing and doing good. Again and again in history, keen observers have pointed out that damage to the Church comes not from her opponents, but from uncommitted Christians.

So how can Christ say that Christians, presumably including these weak and often lukewarm Christians, are the light of the world? Perhaps we could understand if he were to call out to us: Repent! Be the light of the world! Change your life, make it bright and radiant! Should we not be surprised that the Lord directs no such appeal to us, but tells us that we are the light of the world, that we shine, that we light up the darkness?

Dear friends, Saint Paul in many of his letters does not shrink from calling his contemporaries, members of the local community, "saints". Here it becomes clear that every baptized person - even before accomplishing good works or special achievements - is sanctified by God. In baptism the Lord, as it were, sets our life alight with what the Catechism calls sanctifying grace. Those who watch over this light, who live by grace, are indeed holy.

Dear friends, again and again the very notion of saints has been caricatured and distorted, as if to be holy meant to be remote from the world, naive and joyless. Often it is thought that a saint has to be someone with great ascetic and moral achievements, who might well be revered, but could never be imitated in our own lives. How false and discouraging this opinion is! There is no saint, apart from the Blessed Virgin Mary, who has not also known sin, who has never fallen.

Dear friends, Christ is not so much interested in how often in your lives you stumble and fall, as in how often you pick yourselves up again. He does not demand glittering achievements, but he wants his light to shine in you. He does not call you because you are good and perfect, but because he is good and he wants to make you his friends. Yes, you are the light of the world because Jesus is your light. You are Christians - not because you do special and extraordinary things, but because Christ is your life. You are holy because his grace is at work in you.

Dear friends, this evening as we gather in prayer around the one Lord, we sense the truth of Christ's saying that the city built on a hilltop cannot remain hidden. This gathering shines in more ways than one - in the glow of innumerable lights, in the radiance of so many young people who believe in Christ. A candle can only give light if it lets itself be consumed by the flame. It would remain useless if its wax failed to nourish the fire.

Allow Christ to burn in you, even at the cost of sacrifice and renunciation. Do not be afraid that you might lose something and, so to speak, emerge empty-handed at the end. Have the courage to apply your talents and gifts for God's kingdom and to give yourselves - like candlewax - so that the Lord can light up the darkness through you. Dare to be glowing saints, in whose eyes and hearts the love of Christ beams and who thus bring light to the world. I am confident that you and many other young people here in Germany are lamps of hope that do not remain hidden. "You are the light of the world". Amen.

Mark 5:1-20 = Jesus doesn't like pork.

2012-02-07T19:42:00.000-08:00

Sometime last week the Gospel was the story of Jesus's encounter with the man possessed by Legion. Here's a link if you want a quick refresher: http://old.usccb.org/nab/bible/mark/mark5.htm. Now I don't know about you but this one has always confused the heck out of me. I mean whats with the whole dialog with the demons and then granting their request to go into the swine? The homily was not helpful at all in understanding the meaning on the verses so I asked my spiritual director the next night when I met with him and he was stumped too, which was a little intimidating as he's an 80 year old Hungarian Cistercian who's been studying theology his whole life. My last resort was to bring out the big guns and ask Abbot Denis after class last Saturday. As my spiritual director predicted, he had an answer and a good one too.

Abbot said that in the dialog with the demons we were witnessing a contest of strength between the demons and Christ. Most ancient cultures believed that names held great power and so after the demons interrupt Jesus as he is telling them to come out of the man he asks their name which would symbolize his authority over them. These demons are sneaky demons though and they answer that their name is Legion, which is not really a name at all, but rather a collective identity. However, as the story shows, Jesus makes the Father's glory known because he doesn't need their real names to send them out of the possessed man.

Now for the really weird part, what's up with sending the 2,000 pigs into the sea? Again Abbot to the rescue. If you assumed (like me) that since they were herding swine that Gerasenes was pagan territory, you'd be wrong. Gerasenes was a Jewish region but it had paganized and no longer faithfully followed the law as was evidenced by their eating pork. Thus Jesus allows the demons to enter the swine to symbolizes the spiritual destruction that will come upon the people if they continue to worship other gods. If this Gospel confused you on a yearly basis like it did me, I hope this offers some illumination and can provide some fruitful reflection. Until next time, see you in the Eucharist!

Devotion is for Everyone

2012-01-25T17:04:00.000-08:00

At Mass yesterday on the feast of St. Francis de Sales, the priest spent a fair bit of time talking about the reading from the Office of Readings for that day. It was from St. Francis de Sales Introduction to the Devout Life, and dealt with devotion as it relates to our vocation. I went back and read it because it reminded me of conversations I'd had with many friends about the desires for prayer or daily mass that they couldn't fulfill because of their current state in life. I wanted to pass it along especially because of several of the beautiful analogies he uses. Also hopefully in the near future I'll get a post together with some insights I've been gathering in my Thomas More class which is just rocking my world. God Bless and See you in the Eucharist.

St. Francis de Sales, "Devotion is for Everyone"
When God the Creator made all things, he commanded the plants to bring forth fruit each according to its own kind; he has likewise commanded Christians, who are the living plants of his Church, to bring forth the fruits of devotion, each one in accord with his character, his station and his calling.

I say that devotion must be practised in different ways by the nobleman and by the working man, by the servant and by the prince, by the widow, by the unmarried girl and by the married woman. But even this distinction is not sufficient; for the practice of devotion must be adapted to the strength, to the occupation and to the duties of each one in particular.

Tell me, please, my Philothea, whether it is proper for a bishop to want to lead a solitary life like a Carthusian; or for married people to be no more concerned than a Capuchin about increasing their income; or for a working man to spend his whole day in church like a religious; or on the other hand for a religious to be constantly exposed like a bishop to all the events and circumstances that bear on the needs of our neighbor. Is not this sort of devotion ridiculous, unorganised and intolerable? Yet this absurd error occurs very frequently, but in no way does true devotion, my Philothea, destroy anything at all. On the contrary, it perfects and fulfills all things. In fact if it ever works against, or is inimical to, anyone’s legitimate station and calling, then it is very definitely false devotion.

The bee collects honey from flowers in such a way as to do the least damage or destruction to them, and he leaves them whole, undamaged and fresh, just as he found them. True devotion does still better. Not only does it not injure any sort of calling or occupation, it even embellishes and enhances it.

Moreover, just as every sort of gem, cast in honey, becomes brighter and more sparkling, each according to its colour, so each person becomes more acceptable and fitting in his own vocation when he sets his vocation in the context of devotion. Through devotion your family cares become more peaceful, mutual love between husband and wife becomes more sincere, the service we owe to the prince becomes more faithful, and our work, no matter what it is, becomes more pleasant and agreeable.

It is therefore an error and even a heresy to wish to exclude the exercise of devotion from military divisions, from the artisans’ shops, from the courts of princes, from family households. I acknowledge, my dear Philothea, that the type of devotion which is purely contemplative, monastic and religious can certainly not be exercised in these sorts of stations and occupations, but besides this threefold type of devotion, there are many others fit for perfecting those who live in a secular state.

Therefore, in whatever situations we happen to be, we can and we must aspire to the life of perfection.

On days gone by

2012-01-15T12:17:00.000-08:00

So maybe its just that I'm getting old, but it seems that in the past month there have been several times when I've caught myself looking back over old pictures or recalling old memories. Like today, I ran across a video the DJ made at the last CIA 4-H conference I helped plan in 2009. It was strange watching all those young kids jump around under the strobe lights, and crawl across the floor to the alligator line dance. It was almost surreal to see old friends dancing across the screen, many of whom I haven't seen in years. It was so odd to think back on those times; the things we worried about and got into arguments over on the State 4-H Council seem so irrelevant now. The drama that sometimes occupied our attention looks so petty in hindsight. And yet, the memory of the friendships and the people I served with are poignant. I remember that conference vividly; that was a good night. I worry about and pray for some of those people from time to time, the old friend that had so much talent but perhaps lost her way a little; the good, strong, driven partner in crime who has gone from success to success; the folks I barely knew and those that I stayed up all hours of the night talking to. Good people and good friends.

Since then we've all moved on and gone our separate ways. Those friendships have faded as we left and other young kids rose to take our place. There are a few beautiful exceptions though, people whom for whatever reason God has willed to leave on the same path as me for at least a while longer. Those friendships have certainly grown and changed since we first meet as teens but it has been such a blessing to watch each other become more and more the men and women God has created us to be.

Even among the framily, (the group of awesome young adults passionate about loving Christ and being Catholic that I run around with when I'm in Kansas) our friendships are different than they were 4 years ago when I entered college. This weekend I ran across a group picture from the first ever Manhattan weekend three years ago(see more examples of me being old and sentimental). We hung out for a couple days before classes started, went dancing, got doughnuts at 1:30am before heading to late night adoration, then woke up early the next morning to go to mass together and have a big homemade Sunday dinner. It was beautiful. Even among this group of close friends, a good number of whom I saw this past break things have changed. One is married, one's headed to seminary in the fall, two I've more or less lost touch with and with a few, I've been blessed to become much closer friends.

In all of this I'm struck by how much and how quickly life changes. All these moments I'm reminiscing on exist only in my memory and in the memories of those I shared them with. I will never again experience those same events. It reminds me of a post I wrote about sunsets a little over a year ago. I think I want to amend slightly what I wrote there though. While there's nothing we can do to hang on to these moments, which is fitting as they are not ours to keep, I think its been good for me to spend sometime reflecting on them especially as many of us are only a few days away from the beginning of our last semester of college. Thinking back over the blessings God has put in my life the last few years and the distance that exists between where I am now and where I was then, increases my resolve to live radically these last months of college. To throw myself headlong into my classes, my friendships, and into loving those around me. To offer up the little inconveniences of life and praise God for all the little blessings. To ignore the drama that will seem so petty in just a few years. But I also know from this brief recollection that all of this is meaningless without good friends and impossible to accomplish without the help of those God has placed around me. Sanctification is not achieved alone. So I want to ask for your help dear brothers and sister in Christ to live the way we were made to live. He came that we might have life and have it more abundantly. If I know anything of my procrastinating and at times ill-motivated self its that I'll need all the help I can get to carry out this resolution in the coming months.

As I look back on that photo from our first Manhattan weekend, it reminds me a comment one of our adult friends wrote on it. He said, Seriously, awesome-we'll be able to look back at this photo in 10 years and say, "These people went out and changed the world." Its been incredible to think back this afternoon on the things God has done in our lives in the three years since that photo so I can't wait to see what He does with the next seven. I feel about ready to go out and change the world. You in? May our Momma Mary keep you always in her mantle.

As an end note, this blog is just a few days from being two years old and while I certainly haven't always been the best about posting consistently I want to get back to doing it more often. I've found that when I don't post I'm not only failing to share the experiences God puts in my life but I'm also not as thoughtful about the rough ideas and events of my life. So hopefully you'll hear from me more often in the future and until then, I'll see you in the Eucharist.

"The people who sit in darkness have seen a great light"

2011-09-11T13:33:00.000-07:00

JMJ+OBT
"Land of Zebulun and land of Naphtali,
the way to the sea, beyond the Jordan,
Galilee of the Gentiles,
the people who sit in darkness have seen a great light,
on those dwelling in a land overshadowed by death
light has arisen." Mt4:15-16

This verse has appeared several times in the two Theology courses that I'm talking this semester: Christology and Mariology (a pretty epic combination if I do say so myself). Every once in a while in these course taught by two different awesome, old, wise, and holy Hungarian Cistercians Fr. Roch, and Abbot Denis, I feel like I get a brief glimpse into mysterious unity of just everything. It's like for a split second I see how certain aspects of our faith, of reality all tie together into a complete whole. They never last long and they're never much more than a feeling; I can never fully reconstruct the comprehensive understanding of that moment but still its like for a brief second I'm given the blessing of perceiving a little bit of truth. If it is as the Church says and ultimately Truth finds it concrete reality in the person of Jesus Christ, the Way, the Truth, and the Life, then those little flashes are in a way an encounter with God, all be it, one severely limited by our human finiteness and lack of faith. But they are a glimpse of God nonetheless even if as the apostle to the Gentiles says, "At present we see indistinctly, as in a mirror, but then face to face. At present I know partially; then I shall know fully" 1 Cor 13:12

Back to the first verse though, this quotation of Isaiah by Jesus has been at the center of a few of these "aha!" moments the last couple weeks. The start of Christ's public ministry in Capernum on the Sea of Galilee and His childhood in Nazareth were a scandal to the Jews. Even one of the future apostles, Nathaniel remarked, "Can anything good come from Nazareth?" when Phillip came and told him he had found the Messiah: Jesus, son of Joseph, of Nazareth. Nathaniel's consternation was understandable though for Nazareth a part of Galilee, as the verse from Isaiah says, was the land of the Gentiles, half pagan territory. That God chose to raise up the shoot of Jesse there among the impure was almost inconceivable to the Jewish mind of the time, a true "sign of contradiction." Through his Providence though, God's only son was raised in Nazareth, at least in part, to show from the very beginning that God's plan of salvation was for all people, not only the Jews. There is something so powerful to me in this verse from Matthew: "the people who sit in darkness have seen a great light, on those dwelling in a land overshadowed by death light has arisen."

Just as beautiful is the full prophecy from Isaiah chapter 8 that Jesus is quoting:

First [the Lord] degraded the land of Zebulun and the land of Naphtali; but in the end he has glorified the seaward road, the land west of the Jordan, the District of the Gentiles. Anguish has taken wing, dispelled is darkness;/ for there is no gloom where but now there was distress./ The people who walked in darkness/ have seen a great light;/ upon those who dwelt in the land of gloom/ a light has shone./ You have brought them abundant joy/ and great rejoicing,/ as they rejoice before you as at the harvest,/ as men make merry when dividing spoils./ For the yoke that burdened them,/ the pole on their shoulder,/ and the rod of their taskmaster/ you have smashed, as on the day of Midian.

Embracing the Catholic both/and approach I see at least two distinct meanings in these verses. The first is that we are the people who "sit in darkness". I especially like how the verb is in the present tense. It reminds me of Isaiah 65:1, "I was found [by] those who were not seeking me; I revealed myself to those who were not asking for me." In our stupor in the squalor of sin the great light of Christ has shown upon us and his message(the very next thing He says in Matthew after quoting Isaiah), "Repent for the kingdom of Heaven is at hand" has resounded through the night. As the Apostle says, "While we were still sinners Christ died for us." Rm 5:8. We did nothing to seek this light or the message of our salvation. We are powerless to save ourselves.

However this freely given gift of Christ, of Life itself, requires a response and therein lies the second meaning. "You are the light of the world," as Christ tells His disciples in the next chapter of Matthew. We are called to be reflections, images of our God and savior and so not only are we those who walked in darkness (notice the past tense of the verse in Isaiah) but we are now also the light which has arisen in the land overshadowed by death. As part of the Body of Christ, the Church, we are called to make present to whole world the saving message of Christ. As Isaiah says, the the yoke that burdened us, the pole on our shoulder, and the rod of our taskmaster, sin, has been smashed by Christ's sacrifice on the cross. What else could our response be but "abundant joy, and great rejoicing" before our Lord. We are called to imitate Christ's humility for He became like us in all things except sin, being born in a pagan, backwater region, so that He could make known his perfect Love to all peoples. Like our Master, Christ, we too have been put, through God's Providence, into a specific place in the world to bring the great light to those who sit in the shadow of death. We are called to be in the world but not of it. We are not seraphims descending from on high, we are of the same people, culture, and nationality as those that in sit in the darkness and we are called to rise up from where we sit to make the Love of Christ known to those around us.

How is God calling you to make the land overshadowed by death a little more illumined by the love of Christ? God bless you dear brothers and sisters, you are in my prayers always, and until next we meet, see you in the Eucharist!

The Good Samaritan

2011-09-08T08:00:00.000-07:00

Ok so I know it has been very much too long since I last posted and it'll be a little bit longer yet but I did want to share this reflection from Fr. Mark because it really touched me. And I promise there will be a post from me soon, there be some ideas swirling, finally. lol. God bless y'all, see you in the Eucharist.

The Mystery of the Good Samaritan

Today's Gospel, the parable of the Good Samaritan, is familiar to us. It is, perhaps, too familiar. That may be the problem. We assume that we have grasped its message when, in fact, its message may not yet have grasped our hearts. The Fathers of the Church discerned a mystery -- that is to say, something hidden -- in the story of the Good Samaritan: the mystery of the healing mercy of God revealed in Christ.

God Suffers at the Sight of Our Suffering

The Good Samaritan is none other than Christ Himself. In the days of His flesh, as He journeyed in this world, Christ came to where we were (cf. Lk 10:33). And when He saw all of us, sinners, stripped, and beaten, and left for dead in a ditch, He had compassion (cf. Lk 10:33). The human Heart of God was moved. God, looking upon us through the eyes of His Christ, suffered at the sight of our suffering.

Ethical Religion Alone Is Not Enough

It would be altogether too facile to reduce the message of today's gospel to its ethical demands alone, to hear it exclusively in terms of a social imperative. Be good. Be sensitive. Be caring. Show mercy. It is, of course, all of that.

In Chapter IV of the Holy Rule Saint Benedict counts the corporal and spiritual works of mercy among the Instruments of Good Works.

Saint Vincent de Paul writes that "we must try to be stirred by our neighbors' worries and distress. We must beg God to pour into our hearts sentiments of pity and compassion and to fill them again and again with these dispositions."

Our Lord said to Saint Faustina: "I demand of you deeds of mercy, which are to arise out of love for me. You are to show mercy to your neighbours always and everywhere. You must not shrink from this or try to excuse or absolve yourself from it."

Wanting to Be Splendid

All of that being said, there is more to the parable of the Good Samaritan.
Most of us prefer to cast ourselves in the role of the Samaritan rather than to see ourselves in the one robbed, stripped, forsaken, and half-dead. The Samaritan is the hero. The Samaritan keeps the upper hand in the story. The Samaritan is splendid. Who among us does not, at least sometimes, want to be splendid?

Salvation in the Gutter

Churches are full of splendid people and of people who want to be splendid. We needed the teaching of a twenty-four year old Doctor of the Church to see that holiness is not about being splendid at all. Saint Thérèse tells that it is, rather, about accepting that we have landed in the gutter, that we are in fact without resources, stripped, wounded, half-dead, and utterly incapable of changing any of that by ourselves. The God who bends over our souls with a face of indescribable tenderness, the God who touches our wounds with the strong and gentle hands of mercy, meets us not in the high places, not in Jerusalem, nor in Jericho, nor on the road of a splendid progress, but in the gutter of our absolute need of Him.

Discerning the Face, the Heart, the Hands of Christ

In the Samaritan of today's gospel, the Fathers of the Church discern the face, the heart, the hands of Christ. Christ is near us in our poverty, near us in our nakedness, nearer to us when we are broken and brought very low than we when we are splendid and marching on. "A Samaritan, as he journeyed, came to where he was; and when he saw him, he had compassion" (Lk 10:33).

Christ Stops for Each of Us

Christ comes to where we are and, seeing us, has compassion. Christ stops for each of us; He binds up our wounds, pouring oil and wine upon them, cleansing and disinfecting them, healing them with the medicine of His Spirit and of His Blood. Christ lifts us from where He finds us. He brings us to the inn of His Father's healing hospitality where He cares for us, and pays all our expenses.

The Human Face of God

When the poor man opened his eyes to see who it was who was caring for him with such tenderness he beheld a human face. Christ is the human Face of God, the Face we behold when we open our eyes to see who it is who is caring for us. In the end, it is the experience of this Face that changes us. It is in the closeness of this Face to ours, with, as Blessed Elizabeth of the Trinity said, "His eyes in our eyes," and with the warmth of His breath upon us, that we are resurrected to newness of life and sent back to the road whence we came to "go and do likewise" (Lk 10:37).

"Count the stars, if you can"

2011-07-17T14:34:00.000-07:00

I was listening to a Lighthouse Media CD today and the speaker made an awesome observation about a verse in Genesis. It was the one were Abraham goes to God and is like "what good are all these gifts your promising me if I don't have a son?" God takes Abraham outside and tells him "Look up at the sky and count the stars, if you can. Just so shall your descendants be." The chapter continues, "Abram put his faith in the LORD, who credited it to him as an act of righteousness." We've all heard it before (Genesis 15:1-6 if you want a refresher), but when we read the verse we make presuppositions, like that Abraham can count, or that when he looked up he saw a bajillion stars. However, when you take it in context you see that six verses later the sun is setting. When God brought Abraham outside and told him to count the stars if he could it was broad daylight! No stars were visible but Abraham put his faith in God that they were nonetheless still there and it was credited to him as an act of righteousness. Talk about a deeper meaning, one that seemed especially applicable to my life right now. As the summer is quickly passing away the reality is sinking in that my college days are numbered and that soon I will be out in the real world (whatever that is). I don't have a clue what the plans are that God has for me; but I know there is a plan. Like Abraham, my future lies somewhere behind the glare of that noonday sun. I can't see it now but that does not make it any less real. I am confident of this first, because just like the stars, which I know will be back again tonight because they have been there every night before, God will unfold His plan for me in time just like I've seen Him do countless times before even though I do not understand it now. Secondly, I know this because He told me so:

"For I know well the plans I have in mind for you, says the LORD, plans for your welfare, not for woe! Plans to give you a future full of hope." Jeremiah 29:11

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart, on your own intelligence rely not; In all your ways be mindful of him, and he will make straight your paths." Proverbs 3:5-6

"Thus says the LORD, your redeemer, the Holy One of Israel: I, the LORD, your God, teach you what is for your good, and lead you on the way you should go." Isaiah 48:17

"I will instruct you and show you the way you should walk, give you counsel and watch over you." Psalm 32:8

"Then the LORD will guide you always and give you plenty even on the parched land." Isaiah 58:11

"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I dedicated you, a prophet to the nations I appointed you." Jeremiah 1:5

Wherever you are at right now in life maybe it would be helpful to remember the lesson of Abraham and go out in the noon day sun and try to "count the stars if you are able." God bless dear brothers and sisters! See you in the Eucharist!

Reasons Why God is Good #'s 31-60

2011-05-16T19:19:00.000-07:00

JMJ+OBT

Many, many apologies, it has been forever (as my accountability partner has been gently reminding me. lol) I kind of sorta fell off the map the last two weeks in a good/lazy sort of way. I pretty much just quit checking fb and email regularly and just worked and hung out w/ my family and friends. I would like to claim that this was purely out a desire for simplicity, but in reality there was also a lot of laziness factored in. A decent portion of my time was just spent "vegging". While I recognize clearly the need to relax after working all day, etc, I hope this month in DC I can figure out how to do that w/o completely wasting time. Productive sorts of leisure you know. Anyways I promise I'll use some of this new free time to write another more substantial blog post soon but for now I wanted to post reasons 31-60 why God is good. If you haven't seen my "Gig's" already we must not be fb friends b/c I try to put them up as status whenever I'm particularly grateful for something. I must admit I've been slacking a little lately on the Gig's too, b/c there are a ton of things to be grateful for in my life in the last few weeks, but that will have to wait for another post. Until then these are the reasons, and the link for the first 30 is in reason #31. God Bless and till next time I'll see you in the Eucharist!

31. James A. Lopez. and for the first 30 reasons: http://quo-vadis-deum.blogspot.com/2010/12/thirty-reasons-why-i-know-god-is-good.html
32. Jacob Vincent Jirak "God doesn't give you the mountains to enjoy the view but to prepare for the valleys." Thanks bud, it came in handy the other day.
33. "Thou, O Mary, hast only to open thy immaculate hands over them,and they are shot through with the rays of thy purity.
Through thee, entereth the light to shine in the darkest places....
Through thee, souls are washed in a downpour of graces." http://vultus.stblogs.org/
Happy Feast of the Immaculate Conception!
34. For seeing me through to this day, after 2 1/2 years I am FINISHED with Latin! Praise be to God!
35. "Precious in the eyes of the Lord is the death of His faithful." Paul Seiler (Dec. 14, 1926-Dec. 11, 2010). I'll miss you.
36. For family.
37. For a wonderful, sleepless night w/ friends followed by a glorious sunny day, finished by an awesome sunset.
38. "Every starry night, that was His design."
39. For old fashioned pleasures like these: http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201010/endangered-arts
40. A saintly old Cistercain named Fr. Roch, and his awesome Theology of the Spiritual Life class.
41. "It is a dirty rotten trick of Satan that tempts us to fall into fear when we discover that sin in us is not fixable by us." Cecilia Rziha
42. Snow days!
43. Thursday night: Beautiful big, wet, slow snow started around 11:00, just barely decided to go outside, sliding around the iced over soccer field w/ 20 good friends, followed by sleding and then building a snow fort till 3:30 in the morning, then coming in for hot chocolate. I don't think I've ever felt more like a college student!
44. For revealing to me over the course of the last week why He led me to choose St. Thomas More as my confirmation saint 4 years ago. God's plan is so good!
45. For answered prayers, and a truly blessed weekend.
46. For a wonderful weekend in KS and for giving His Son to us who are so unworthy -> http://www.ncregister.com/blog/why-i-love-my-ugly-little-liturgy?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+NCRegisterDailyBlog+%40National+Catholic+RegisterA#When:06:00:54Z
47. Oh where to start? For blessings beyond measure this weekend: The marriage of two wonderful, holy, young, beautiful friends; dancing all night at said wedding; sharing this joyful weekend w/ 30+ awesome brothers and sisters in Christ; praying and going to mass w/ said siblings; soaking up the beauty of God's creation (most especially Kansas, and Kansans); and a million more but what could I say that would begin to describe them when language can't begin to capture the depths of God's goodness. Oh how He loves us! My cup overflowth. P.S.- Hmm...I couldn't help thinking about this article after this weekend too:
http://quo-vadis-deum.blogspot.com/2010/09/he-married-kansas.html
48. For the desert, for mountains, for canyons, for a night sky with more stars than I have ever seen, for meteors, for hard work, for sunrises, for chicken and rice with taco seasoning while a perfectly unique sunset burns up the evening sky above the Mexico/US border, for good friends new and old. In other words, for an immeasurably blest week backpacking through Big Bend Nat'l Park.
49. For conversion. For the Mystical Body of Christ. For His infinite love. For so blessed a weekend on Crusader Awakening #3 that there's no way I could begin to put it into words, SHINCK!!!
50. Praying the rosary with 300 other UD students (1/4 of the student body) for a sister in Christ whose going home Wednesday to say goodbye to her mother who is terminally ill. I don't think I've ever seen such a powerful representation of the mystical Body of Christ, God is good.
51. Exactly a year ago today I embarked on a trip that would change my life forever and culminate in Holy Week in the Holy Land. Istanbul-Cappadocia-Israel, 10 Day 2010. God is good.
52. "Neither do I condemn thee, said Jesus, go, and do not sin again." John 8:10-11
53. For holy old monks.
54. For St. Bernard of Clairvauz, "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Who is poorer in spirit than he who finds no rest in his whole spirit, who finds no place to lay down his head?"
55. For unexpected encouragement. If you want the whole story: http://quo-vadis-deum.blogspot.com/2011/04/prayer-request.html
56. For the miraculous recovery of my breviary through the intercession of St. Anthony and several good friends. Praised be God! I was really thinking I'd lost it for good.
57. For filling a wonderful, old, holy monk, Fr. Roch with such wisdom and then giving me the opportunity to talk with him. Blessed be God.
58. ALLELUIA HE IS RISEN! TRULY HE IS RISEN!
59. Talk about a stubborn German farmer: http://www.vatican.va/news_services/liturgy/saints/ns_lit_doc_20071026_jagerstatter_en.html
60. For bringing me through another year of college. FREEDOM!!! lol. Blessed be God!

This is our faith

2011-04-26T13:56:00.000-07:00

After the sabbath, as the first day of the week was dawning,
Mary Magdalene and the other Mary came to see the tomb.
And behold, there was a great earthquake;
for an angel of the Lord descended from heaven,
approached, rolled back the stone, and sat upon it.
His appearance was like lightning
and his clothing was white as snow. -Matthew 28:1-3

As Father read this gospel at the Easter Vigil this year I was struck by one line in particular. Amid this awesome display of power the evangelist slips in a peculiar detail, the angel "rolled back the stone and sat upon it." It wasn't enough that he descended from heaven with the appearance of lightning amidst a great earthquake and rolled back the stone; no, then he sat upon it. I have this almost comical image of this brilliant angel lounging on the stone that purported to restrain the King of the Universe in a grave. What a mockery of death. I'm reminded of a line my good friend Sara always like to use, "We've got the book; I've read the ending; we win." This is our faith, rejoice and be glad: HE IS RISEN!

I also wanted to share one of my favorite Easter traditions. In the prayer of the Church, the Liturgy of the Hours, there is a anonymous homily from the ancient church that is read every Holy Saturday. It's pretty much my favorite reading from the Office for the entire year so I wanted to share it with y'all. Enjoy:

Something strange is happening – there is a great silence on earth today, a great silence and stillness. The whole earth keeps silence because the King is asleep. The earth trembled and is still because God has fallen asleep in the flesh and he has raised up all who have slept ever since the world began. God has died in the flesh and hell trembles with fear.

He has gone to search for our first parent, as for a lost sheep. Greatly desiring to visit those who live in darkness and in the shadow of death, he has gone to free from sorrow the captives Adam and Eve, he who is both God and the son of Eve. The Lord approached them bearing the cross, the weapon that had won him the victory. At the sight of him Adam, the first man he had created, struck his breast in terror and cried out to everyone: “My Lord be with you all.” Christ answered him: “And with your spirit.” He took him by the hand and raised him up, saying: “Awake, O sleeper, and rise from the dead, and Christ will give you light.”

I am your God, who for your sake have become your son. Out of love for you and for your descendants I now by my own authority command all who are held in bondage to come forth, all who are in darkness to be enlightened, all who are sleeping to arise. I order you, O sleeper, to awake. I did not create you to be held a prisoner in hell. Rise from the dead, for I am the life of the dead. Rise up, work of my hands, you who were created in my image. Rise, let us leave this place, for you are in me and I am in you; together we form only one person and we cannot be separated.

For your sake I, your God, became your son; I, the Lord, took the form of a slave; I, whose home is above the heavens, descended to the earth and beneath the earth. For your sake, for the sake of man, I became like a man without help, free among the dead. For the sake of you, who left a garden, I was betrayed to the Jews in a garden, and I was crucified in a garden.

See on my face the spittle I received in order to restore to you the life I once breathed into you. See there the marks of the blows I received in order to refashion your warped nature in my image. On my back see the marks of the scourging I endured to remove the burden of sin that weighs upon your back. See my hands, nailed firmly to a tree, for you who once wickedly stretched out your hand to a tree.

I slept on the cross and a sword pierced my side for you who slept in paradise and brought forth Eve from your side. My side has healed the pain in yours. My sleep will rouse you from your sleep in hell. The sword that pierced me has sheathed the sword that was turned against you.

Rise, let us leave this place. The enemy led you out of the earthly paradise. I will not restore you to that paradise, but I will enthrone you in heaven. I forbade you the tree that was only a symbol of life, but see, I who am life itself am now one with you. I appointed cherubim to guard you as slaves are guarded, but now I make them worship you as God. The throne formed by cherubim awaits you, its bearers swift and eager. The bridal chamber is adorned, the banquet is ready, the eternal dwelling places are prepared, the treasure houses of all good things lie open. The kingdom of heaven has been prepared for you from all eternity.

A Prayer Request

2011-04-11T20:27:00.000-07:00

So I did not think that I would be writing a blog tonight. I was totally planning on going to sleep but God had other plans. Before turning in I checked one of the blogs I read by a Benedictine monk from Tulsa. Woah. His post really, really hit home for me and so I felt obliged to pass it along: http://vultus.stblogs.org/2011/04/come-to-me-and-drink.html. I figured I'd just put it up on facebook and then any kindred spirits that are struggling here through the last stage of Lent could go to it from there, but then I recognized that I could take the opportunity to share a little bit of myself and maybe on a more selfish note ask for your prayers as well.

The whole post just absolutely nailed me and what I've been experiencing the last week but this line especially described me:

Awareness of our sins should lead not to a loss of confidence in the Divine Mercy, but to a serene and trusting appeal for the pardon of Him "Who forgiveth all thy iniquities: who healeth all thy diseases. Who redeemeth thy life from destruction: who crowneth thee with mercy and compassion." (Psalm 102:3-4)

Its probably a mark of pride but the last few weeks my inability to rise above some habitual sins has really been a serious point of frustration for me. And instead of making my "trusting appeal" to God and His mercy, I have doubted, what else. Maybe not so much Divine Mercy directly as I doubted myself, my love for God (I've been through this before right? nope, stubborn German farmer that I am I have to learn every lesson 4 or 5 times at least before it starts to take hold).

"It is not too late to enter into Lenten repentance, not too late to begin one's Lent with humility and sincerity of heart. The workers of the eleventh hour will not be deprived of their reward at Pascha." This line also really encouraged me. I guess I've been feeling like I've been growing stagnant in my Lenten discipline the last few weeks and I really needed the Holy Spirit, via Fr. Mark, to send me the courage to start again.

So I'll finish with a prayer that the Holy Spirit will send you all the encouragement and the strength necessary to run the race these last two weeks of Lent so as to win, and I also, if I may, ask for your prayers that I accept with humility my brokenness as an opportunity to recognize, receive, and praise God's boundless Mercy.

“A time for every affair under heaven.” Eccl 3:1

2011-03-28T21:22:00.000-07:00

JMJ+OBT March 26, 2011

Hey y’all! So I realized I needed to squeak in a blog post while I had time today or I’d have so many experiences to relate when I finally got around to blogging next time that it would be an unreadably long post. This last week, beginning with our campus retreat, Crusader Awakening #3 has been one incredible God moment after another. So much has happened in the last 5 days that I feel a little dazed and at a loss for what is next but if there’s anything that I’m fully aware of after this last week it’s that He the one with the plan and that’s all that matters.

All the craziness in my life really began about three weeks ago after coming back to UD from the wedding of two good friends. I rode the high from this awesome weekend in Kansas for a few days but eventually the reality of growing up began to set in. I basically had four big choices weighing on my mind. One was the looming decision about summer plans, whether to take an internship, or stay home on the farm which in turn related to the larger discernment of career choices. Vocational discernment was also really weighing on me at the same time, especially as it related to a particular relationship with a good friend. I’m really not normally an anxious person but all of these major decisions were really giving me a lot of stress. Ultimately it came down to a lack of trust, and a serious lack of self-confidence and confidence in God. Luckily God has blessed me with some amazing friends one of whom spent several hours over those two weeks trying to get it through my thick, german-farmer head that God was in charge and everything was going to be alright. I was really struggling with it though, which I realized, thanks to my friend was really a temptation of the devil. With this and other valuable insights on my mind but not yet in my heart I left for CA#3 Friday after school praying for clarity in all these decisions.

I was a little apprehensive going into CA#3. My experience freshman year as a retreatant on CA#1 had been good, but it hadn’t been an amazing, Holy Spirit moving weekend. I was also a little nervous about serving as a table parent as I really struggle in new groups like the table families. This provided lots of opportunities to trust God as there were a lot of occasions where I felt inadequate to the task at hand. And did He ever come through. After kind of a slow, awkward start Friday night our table really opened up and it was incredible to see the Spirit working in and through them. One of my favorite moments on Saturday was a meditation given by my good friend and roommate from freshman year, David Ringwald. I’ve gotta call him out by name because it was a ridiculously amazing talk. David is pretty meek and quiet most of the time but when the Holy Spirit so wills he is an incredibly powerful and captivating speaker. Right after his talk we moved into adoration and I realized that my lack of confidence from the previous two weeks was actually because I doubted whether I really loved God or not. Of course I wanted to love God but I’d been so discouraged by my continual failures and shortcomings that part of me doubted if I really loved God. I mean after all I thought, if I really loved God I wouldn’t keep falling into the same old pitfalls. And if I didn’t really love God then what was to say that I wouldn’t make the wrong decision and choose something selfish rather than what God had planned for me.

Needless to say this was also a temptation of the devil. I was unwilling to accept the fact that I was a broken human being and that I was going to fail sometimes. I expected myself to be perfect or at least not really really messed up and it was killing me. This too as David pointed out was a trap, actually one of the oldest traps. He used two examples from the bible that I want to repeat because they made a lot of sense to me. The first was of Adam and Eve. Ultimately at the fall they ate the fruit in the Garden of Eden because they wanted to be like gods, aka they wouldn’t need God. But humans weren’t created to be independent. Even before the fall it was not good for man to be alone. Adam needed Eve. In transgressing God’s instruction they tried to become what they were not: God, and so sin entered the world. His other example was of Moses before the burning bush. Once God gets Moses’s attention and tells him that He wants him to deliver the Israelites, Moses protests saying that the elders will never believe him. To reassure him God gives Moses his very name I AM and promises to turn his staff into a snake. Moses protests one last time saying that he is not eloquent, and has never been one for words. God then promises to send Aaron along with him to speak on his behalf. Take a second to think about this. God gave Moses His very name, and was willing to turn a piece of wood into a reptile but yet He was unwilling to give Moses the gift of eloquence. He was unwilling to give Moses all the gifts; he had to rely on his cousin to accomplish the task that God had given him. It’s the same for us. We don’t have all the gifts and each one of us is broken and weak in our own unique ways. The beautiful thing is that that’s the way God has designed it to work. As a member of the Mystical Body of Christ, MBOC, our weakness are filled up by the Holy Spirit working through our brothers and sisters in Christ in the same way that we fill up their weakness with our gifts and talents. If we were not broken and weak we wouldn’t need the support of our neighbor; we wouldn’t need the redemption provided by our Savior. This understanding of what it means to accept my brokenness and offer it back to God as a sacrifice was a huge breakthrough for me on the weekend.

The CA#3 graces weren’t exhausted yet though. One of the most powerful experiences on the weekend came Sunday afternoon during the passion skit. A year ago when I went Aggie Awakening at Texas A&M, I’d been part (a small part, 1 of 300) of their passion skit, which due to the fact that they’d been doing it for like 30 years, was pretty much down to a science. I remember it being good but it wasn’t amazing. However, this weekend on our little production the Holy Spirit was definitely working in an intense way. The memory is still vivid in my mind of the seminarian acting Jesus carrying his cross rounding the corner and coming towards my table family. (Before I go any farther I need to explain that I see God so powerfully in the beauty of the created world. For a more detailed description see Theology of a Sunset at http://quo-vadis-deum.blogspot.com/2010/11/theology-of-sunset.html. Sunsets to me are unique, masterful, personal expressions of God’s love for me, perfect in God’s Providential design.) As Jesus rounded that corner, the reality of what he underwent to save me from my sins hit me like it never had before. Not only did He endure unbelievable suffering but He willed to do it out of love for me. The passion, crucifixion and death of our Lord was not something that was forced upon Him, something He had to go through unwillingly. It was something He chose. Just as he makes each sunset a perfect masterpiece to express His great love for us, His passion was an infinitely greater and more perfect sign of His love for us. I saw the same intentional, personal, perfect love in the passion that I’d observed in sunsets. In that instant a little voice or a thought or whatever went through my mind, “Anthony so far you’ve been content with sunsets. Come to the meal.” Whoa… Right away my reaction was to echo Mary’s response “Let it be done unto me according to your will.” So I have no idea what I just agreed to there, but I’ve seen His goodness and His faithfulness enough to know that’s the kind of prayer that He answers. My only other thought was “God, that’s how I want to love.” Let it be so.

I’m only half way through my week at this point! Sunday night after retreat two good friends from Kansas were in town staying with a friend down here. We didn’t have the chance to talk much but we did get Night Prayer in together (aside: I forgot how nice it is to say Liturgy of the Hours in a large group). I was busy pretty much all of Monday until dinner which was home cooked by my friends (another aside: I also forgot how wonderful real spaghetti is!). After dinner and several detours later, my friend shared with me the incredible way that God had been unfolding her vocation to her over the last three weeks. It was simply awe inspiring to see the so very powerful way He had worked in her life. Through that conversation and through the graces of the Holy Spirit something clicked for me. I’d been struggling with my vocation so much the last few weeks, but through her story God granted me the clarity that I’d been praying for. It was borderline overwhelming. I still don’t have a clue what He wills for me, but He gave me a grace of peace and surrender that I wouldn’t have been able to imagine before. Immediately after this conversation we headed to the Church of the Incarnation on campus for a rosary that some folks had put together for one of the retreatants who had been on my table at CA#3. Her mother was terminally ill, and she was flying home to Virginia in a few days basically to say goodbye. We got there a little early and as we sat there waiting the people just kept coming and coming. By the time the rosary actually started the church was well over 2/3rds full, probably around 300 people (to give you an idea that’s 1/4 of our student body). A lot of the folks from CA#3 were there and I don’t know if I’ve ever seen a more powerful representation of the Mystical Body of Christ. I was talking with David as we left and he said he thought we just witnessed a minor miracle to see that many UD students not doing homework on a Monday night. It truly was an amazing testament to the community.

The next morning I caught mass, morning prayer and breakfast with my friend before they left. As I was walking to work after they left I checked my phone and found a voicemail from Senator Roberts office offering me an intern position this summer for the month of June. God wasn’t letting up. Not satisfied with resolving one of my major discernment issues He plowed right ahead bringing the decision over what to do this summer to a head. I wrestled with the choice for about the next full day. I really, really would like to be back on the farm this summer and have the chance to see my friends, make a TEC, and maybe make it up to Salina dioceses for Prayer and Action. At the same time the only reason I felt like I should go to DC was because it seemed like the prudential thing to do. Finally Tuesday afternoon I decided that while I’ve been feeling less and less called to politics over the last year, I’m still not completely confident that I’m not called to it. Since not taking the internship would be basically akin to committing to not going into politics I decided I should accept the offer. Also, it seemed like a good opportunity to discern if God is calling me to something in politics or if that door can be closed for good. After making the decision it was already too late to call them back that day and accept so I decided to sleep on it for a night. I was really uneasy with the choice all evening, just really out of sorts. Finally about 10pm that night after saying the rosary with some friends, one of them could tell I was freaking out about something and offered to talk it through with me. After trying to reassure me for about 15 min, my friend mentioned that another one of our friends was applying with the USCCB, and was going to try and stay with a religious community in DC if they got the position. I guessed I’d really been worried about being away from a support structure and folks to hold me accountable, because after he said this I was completely at ease just absolutely at peace with the choice. Here my friend was thinking he was going to need to make some deep theological point and he just needed to tell me of a place to stay.

Ok so quick recap: At this point within 72 hours God has given me the grace to realize and confront one of my biggest spiritual struggles, discern two major short term decisions, put my at peace with my two major long term discernments, and in general completely turned my world on its head. And I’m still not done yet.

The next major God moment happened Thursday morning. I should explain at this point that I am so not a morning person. I can wake up early but it takes me a good 5 minutes of being out of bed before a coherent thought goes through my head. The brain is just kinda mush before that. Anyways, Thursday morning I wake up before my alarm (this also NEVER happens, which was all the more miraculous considering I hadn’t gotten more than 5 hours of sleep all week and the two nights previous had both been around 4 hours a piece). Before I even really realize I’m awake a thought goes through my head clear as day “Be ready to take up your cross.” I automatically responded “ok” and then passed back out. Again I’m not sure what that means, but it was just amazing to me how clear and definite it was. That afternoon I got a letter from a friend. The front of the envelope looked perfectly innocent but as I flip it over there’s written in large black sharpie “CAUTION: This letter written by the Holy Spirit @ 1am, Mar 20th…I’m not sure if it makes any sense. : )” At this point I was nervous. Turns out the warning was right. My friend, who had no idea what I had been going through, totally nailed me all the way down the line. Seriously she touched almost every spiritual theme that had been on my mind that weekend on CA#3 and the three days after. Holy cow! Talk about the power of the Holy Spirit. Towards the end of the letter, she had a question for me. She’d been talking about our love for God, how it was real, how it affected the way we lived. But her (the Holy Spirit’s) question was “What’s stopping you from dying for it?” Wow. Exactly what I needed to be asked. So many of the things I’d spent most of my spiritual time over the last 6 months struggling with had been totally resolved in the last 5 days and to be honest I’d been kind of at a loss as to what was next. At one point I just prayed something like, God, the ball’s back in your court. I’m ready and willing to move just show me what to do. How silly of me to wonder how God would do it, just goes to show my lack of imagination, and the absolute perfection of His plan. Since this letter from my friend I’ve put that question up around my room and have just been asking God to reveal the hidden conceits of my heart, the parts of me that are keeping me from giving myself totally and absolutely to Him.

So needless to say, I don’t have any idea where I am going in life. Sure I’ll be in DC this summer, but beyond that I am just putting one foot in front of the other. God’s illuminating just as much of the path as I need to be able to see at this moment. Please keep my continued conversion in your prayers. You all are in mine. See you in the Eucharist! Until then, quo vadis, where are you going?

Big Bend

2011-03-12T17:00:00.000-08:00

First off, many apologies for the incredible span of time between posts (I wonder how many times I've started a blog entry like this. lol.) The evening before I left for Spring Break I very nearly finished a post on Fr. Roch's Theology of the Spiritual Life class, but it didn't happen and it's still waiting to be completed. I figured though that I should write about the 5 days I spent hiking through Big Bend National Park while it's still fresh in my mind.

This is the trail we took through the desert, around a 35 mile loop.

We went camping quite a bit as kids, but never anything so serious as backpacking through the desert. I didn't really know what to expect from the trip. To a certain extent I was really struggling for clarity in discerning my vocation and summer plans the week before and hoping that this trek through the desert might help some. It was almost three days on the trail before I remembered that I'd been hoping to spend sometime thinking about this. Between learning the in's and out's of backpacking and the concentration needed to look out for bears, snakes, and good footing while on the trail this other goal got submerged in doing what was necessary. I was joking with a friend when I got back that perhaps the lesson I was supposed to learn and the clarity that I received over the week was that I needed to focus on just taking the next step and getting to the top of the next hill and not worry so much about the big picture until God, in His perfect time, deems it right. You'd think I'd get that through my thick head eventually.

That's not to say that it wasn't a spiritual experience. The grand views and just sheer beauty and majesty of creation proclaimed God's goodness and infinite love so loudly all weekend long. In a way it was like being back on the Rome semester in that the beauty of the place was just so amazing that it hardly seemed like it could be part of the same world (much less state) as Irving. There was an additional significance to the beauty of the views though because we had to work for them, really hard. It wasn't like driving your car through a pretty place, something that anyone with some extra time and a love of nature can appreciate but we had to sweat and strain ourselves for those views. This was most impressed upon me on the last night on the trail. By our third and final night on the trail we had covered 30+ miles. That day we started by walking 2 hrs through the desert to an old ranch house and filling up with water, increasing our pack weight almost by a third. The house is the little blip at the base of the big hill in the pic.(Quick aside: this was one of two times while we were in the desert that we ran across the remains of old homesteads. There was nothing quite as crazy for a farm kid as seeing a row of ancient fence posts stretching across such a barren landscape. The views would have been incredible but I don't know how anyone could've been insane enough to try and make a living out there. Next time I catch myself thinking we've got it hard back home on the farm I hope I think back to those fence posts in the middle of the desert and realize how blessed I really am.) Back to the third day though, after filling up with water we proceeded to walk about 2 miles up a dry, sandy creek bed (worst idea for a trail path EVER!). Already tired from walking uphill with full packs through sand we had to climb 6,000 feet up onto the rim of the Chisos Basin while the wonderful Texas sun blazed away. For me this was by far the hardest day on the trail, but we finally got up onto the rim and made it to our campsite for the night around 5pm. After making camp; boiling water for tea; and cooking dinner, rice, cashews, chicken and taco seasoning (it may not sound great but considering the circumstances it tasted like a culinary masterpiece), we settled down on a row of rocks and watched the sun set. Our campsite was right on the Southwest rim of the basin literally 20 feet from the edge. The view was incredible we could see the whole canyon we'd walked up that day as well as the desert up to the Rio Grande (about 20 miles away) and then the cliffs on the Mexican side and mountains on behind them (probably 50+ miles). This isn't from our trip, I got the pic off of google, but it's almost the exact spot were we ate dinner.It wasn't the most remarkable sunset I've ever had the privilege to see but it was amazing and in light of everything we'd invested to get to that point, I think Mr. McDonough nailed it when he said that it was an experience you only get 4 or 5 times in a lifetime. He also said that watching the sunset you seemed to forget about the climbing the hill and the creek bed and every other difficulty that it took to get there. This struck me as especially profound in light of my earlier comparison between hiking and the day to day struggle of the Christian life. Sometimes it seems to me like the struggle for perfection is a never ending monotonous climb uphill under a blazing sun, but that's when I have to remember the goal of the entire struggle, the summit of the path, unity with God. In those moments like watching that sunset, all our daily struggles find their true perspective and meaning in that they bring us closer to God.

Hopefully I make it back to blogging again a little sooner next time, there's a lot floating around in my head that I should sort out and write down. Until then though "quo vadis" where are you headed?

Featherock

2011-02-16T16:51:00.000-08:00

JMJ+OBT

Last weekend I was infinitely blessed to be able to attend a 3 day, silent retreat with Opus Dei at a wonderful little place called Featherock. God's faithfulness never ceases to amaze me and this weekend was a powerful example. To have any chance at pulling these ideas together in a way that will make sense, I need to start a little bit before the retreat.

The real place to start though was a discernment retreat that I went on over Christmas break with Wichita Diocese called Quo Vadis (stole the name for my blog from this retreat last year). On Quo Vadis the retreat director presented a view of discernment based on Ignatian Spirituality that I'd never heard before. He started with the premise that to discern we have to have know who we are. The only way to achieve this self knowledge is through a relationship with our creator. The stronger our relationship with God -> the more we see true selves reflected -> the greater our sense of our mission in this life. One of the keys to this presentation of discernment is spiritual healing, uncovering the lies about ourselves we've accepted and opening ourselves to God so He can show us the Truth about who we really are. Since December when I went on this retreat, I've been asking in prayer for the grace to understand who I am more fully.

Alright hang with me just a sec longer, I'm almost to the retreat not quite though. The week before the retreat I finished the biography I'd been reading about St. Thomas More for a saint report in my Theology of the Spiritual Life class, A Portrait of Courage. I picked St. Thomas because other people in the class had taken my first two choices (Charles de Foucauld, and St. John Vianney). After they got taken I decided maybe I should do St. Thomas because he was my confirmation saint and despite that I still didn't know much about him. I never really understood why I'd picked St. Thomas More, other than that at the time I was thinking I would go into politics. I got my answer (or at least part of it, I'm sure there's probably more) in the last paragraph of the last chapter of the biography. St. Thomas is writing his daughter Margaret to about her concern over her lack of courage. The biographer, Wegemer (UD English professor btw), writes:

"Surely Meg," he says to her, " a fainter heart than thy frail father you cannot have." He then gives one of his most fundamental counsels, a counsel he gave many times over the years, in many different ways, going back to the earliest of his poems. In these words can be discovered the ultimate foundation of that courage which so many have admired in the life of Sir Thomas More:

"That you fear your own frailty, Margaret, does not displease me. May God give us both the grace to despair of our own self, and wholly to depend and hang upon the hope and strength of God. The blessed Saint Paul found such a lack of strength in himself that in his own temptation he was twice obliged to call and cry out unto God to take that temptation from him. And yet he did not attain his prayer in the manner that he requested. For God in His high wisdom, seeing that is was (as he himself said) necessary for him to keep him from pride...answered, "My grace is sufficient for you." ...And our Lord said further, "Virtue is perfected in weakness." The more weak that man is, the more is the strength of God in his safeguard declared. And so Saint Paul said, "All is possible in Him who strengthens me."

Ahh! For a year now, those quotes, and that idea, "My grace is sufficient for you," and "Virtue is perfected in weakness," have been a pivotal part of my spiritual life. Now I can see whose intercession has been guiding that. Thanks St. Thomas.

So it was with this gratitude for this revelation that I headed four hours south with a bunch of other college guys to what is quite easily my favorite place in Texas. To set the scene a little, Featherock is an old ranch house that Opus Dei has converted into a retreat center, by adding several wings of single rooms, an oratory, dining facilities etc. Now I love the Spiritual Life Center in Wichita (it list among one of my 6 homes) but Featherock is my favorite place that I've ever made a retreat. It retains a home like feel and is full of wonderful little private places to pray and read. The best part though, by far, is the grounds. There is a wonderful tree-lined drive (see top), a pond, shrine to the holy family, and the best part (drum roll) they have about 100 acres of pasture with wonderful trees to climb, beef cows, etc. Plus this part of Texas was settled by Czech and German farmers so it boasts some of the most beautiful, turn of the century churches in Texas. It is probably one of the most peaceful places I've been in the US, just really a truly perfect place to make a silent retreat.

The first day and a half I really had a hard time entering into the prayer and engaging in conversation with God. I had a hard time concentrating and was just generally pretty dry. That's the nice thing about it being 3 days, God had plenty of time to break me down, I couldn't ignore Him very long. At a certain point in the second day I picked up my packet from Theology of the Spiritual Life to read an exert from a book about St. Therese of Liseux that we needed to read for class. My friend Joe had already read it before retreat and and had told me that it was amazing so I figured it was worth a try.

I thought about trying to summarize or pull together everything that impacted me while reading it but I don't think my feeble, human intellect is capable of the task. A year ago this inability would have annoyed, even troubled me, but a certain passage from this same work gave me an entirely new outlook on these kinds of great mysteries of our faith. At one point the author, or St. Therese, I can't remember who and of course that was the one passage I didn't mark, compares mysteries of the faith to a spring. They say that our thirst should be sated before the spring is depleted. Otherwise when we thirsted again we'd go back to the spring and there would be no water. Thus we shouldn't be upset over our inability to grasp fully the great depths of our faith, but rather be glad because there will always be more for us to learn.

I can tell that everything on this weekend was intimately connected, but in a way that I'll never be able to grasp completely intellectually. It was more of the feeling of recognizing the same hand in all these different signs that were too Providential not to be from God. So I think my approach will be to mainly quote from The Hidden Face, the work on St. Therese and her little way. I'll try and offer minimal comments to provide context and some basic clarifications.

Therese was convinced that without the special aid of God she would not have been able to achieve her salvation.
At her sister’s sickbed, Paulin said: “when I come to die, alas, I shall have nothing to give to God; I shall arrive with empty hands, and that troubles me deeply.” Therese responded spiritedly: “It is just the reverse with me—if I had all the works of St Paul to offer, I would still consider that my hands were empty. But that is precisely what gives me joy, for since I have nothing I must receive everything from God.” And again: “How I look forward to going to Heaven! But when I think of Our Lord’s words: Behold, I come and bring the reward with me, to give to each according to his works, then I tell myself that He will probably be embarrassed when He comes to me, because I will have none. He cannot reward me according to my works. So much the better, for I have confidence that He will reward me according to His.” Therese’s illimitable trust bubbled up solely from the springs of her jubilant poverty. What is empty can be filled. She defines her little way in much the same manner. “We must do everything we are obliged to out of love for God. But it is indispensible to place our whole trust in Him who sanctifies our works”

We must say to God: “I know well that I shall never be worthy of the things I hope for—but I hold out my hands to You like a beggar child, and I know that You will more than grant my wishes because You are so good!”

“Jesus has so incomprehensible, so uncompromising a love for us,” she wrote to Celine, “that He wants to do nothing without us; He wants us to share with Him in the salvation of souls. The Creator of the universe waits for the prayers and devotion of a poor little soul in order thereby to save a number of others who, like her, were redeemed at the price of His blood.”

Being really brave means to long for the Cross in the midst of fear, while we are as it were fighting against it, like Our Lord in the Garden of Olives
At the end of her Carmelite way she would not recant this humble insight: that Jesus did not prefigure “heroism”. “It is so consoling to think that Jesus, the divine hero, has felt all our weaknesses and shuddered at the sight of the bitter chalice—that very chalice he had so burningly desired”

Did not Jesus cry out: “My Father, take this cup from Me”? How can you say that my desires are the mark of my love? I realize that what pleases God in my soul is not that. What pleases Him is to see me love my littleness, my poverty: it is the blind trust which I have in His Mercy…. There is my sole treasure. If you bear in peace the trial of being displeasing to yourself, you offer a sweet shelter to Jesus.”

“A large part of the fear of sin in devout persons is just disguised narcissism of the soul: the tiniest sin is unbearable because it is a blotch on the precious self, a sign of inadequate performance in self-sanctification, evidence of a remnant of earthliness…. The penitence that depresses us come from vanity; penitence from God lifts our courage.”

“To surrender to love means to depend upon the omnipotence of God.”

In the same way; a saint is not a being in a different order from the ordinary Christian but is rather the term of growth to which he tends.

Ok so what did this mean for me. Her insight in to Our Lord in the Garden of Olives was so comforting to me, because I was having major trust issue is surrendering my whole life to God. It’s kind of a scary thing to give over the control of your life to someone else, that loss of our false sense of control. What a blessing is was to realize that Christ had undergone the same thing and given us His example to follow.

The major insight though, which was a direct response to my prayers for greater self-knowledge and humility, was her little way itself, building off St. Thomas More’s exhortation to put all our confidence not in our abilities but in God. Therese believed that all we are, all our gifts, talents, thoughts, our very being is not ours. It is given to us by God on loan, to use in love for Him. He has given us everything we are for the express purpose of loving Him in return. In this pursuit, we, as fallen humans, are going to fail but God knows this and so we must accept that fact in humility and offer up everything in love for Him, allowing Him to unite it to the sacrifice of the cross. I suppose I’d heard most of this before, but in that setting, with God’s grace it went a lot deeper.

Sorry if that was majorly disorganized but that’s kind of the state of my brain right now. My hope is that St Therese and St. Thomas More are awesome enough that their greatness will shine through despite my lack of organization. Also thank you to those who were praying for me over the weekend, God definitely was sanctifying your prayers and using them towards His end that weekend. God Bless!

Suffering

2011-02-02T09:32:00.000-08:00

Not that my life has been particularly full of suffering lately, but recently I've been struck by how truly significant and profound God's choice of the method of our salvation was. Last night in men's group for some reason it hit me that as God, Jesus, in His infinite wisdom and goodness, picked the absolute best way possible to redeem us fallen humans. For some reason I'd always projected my own feelings about pain and suffering onto the sacrifice of the cross; it was something that had to be done, endured, part of life. It was heroic of course, but I'd never realized the full significance before. As God, Christ could have chosen any means for redeeming us, and yet the best, absolute most perfect way was to undergo unbelievable suffering both physically and surely spiritually as well to save us poor wretches. The cross was completely voluntary; it was not mere nails that held our savior to the tree but His own will.

In Theology of the Spiritual Life the other day Fr. Roch was talking about the roll of suffering in conversion; how suffering purifies the soul of the believer. Then sometime this morning at Dominican, either in the end of Morning prayer or during Mass I can't remember where, something was said about Christ becoming man to show us how to suffer, to offer it as a sacrifice. There's no way that I'm going to fit the awesome mystery of the means of salvation into my poor very finite intellect but I suspect that it has something to do with the fact that God wanted to give us an example by His death of how to make proper use of suffering.

In a way these very out of the blue revelations have me on edge a little, because I know that everything happens for a reason and although I appreciate the gift of suffering more now, I'm still not eager to undergo it if that's what He has planned. However, in little ways they have been helpful reminders to offer up to God in love my little daily discomforts, a head cold, the incredibly cold weather, frustration with myself and my little everyday failings. In the meantime, I just pray for the grace to accept all things from God's hands joyfully as the gift that they are. What are the little (or big) gifts of suffering that He is giving you to offer up in love?

"For to you has been granted, for the sake of Christ, not only to believe in him but also to suffer for him." - Philipians 1:29

*******

AHHH!!! That's what it was, after posting this once I realized that during the gospel today, Feast of the Presentation, the one where Simeon tells Mary, "Behold, this child is destined for the fall and rise of many in Israel, and to be a sign that is contradicted -- and you yourself a sword will pierce -- so that the thoughts of many hearts may be revealed." The example of Mary is what prompted my line of thought this morning. Her sufferings were a means by which she became the Mother of us all, and thereby won innumerable souls for her Son. May we strive to imitate her selflessness. PAX

Gratitude

2011-01-22T14:52:00.000-08:00

So this could be kind of a rambly post. I don't really have one overwhelming idea like usual, just several things that I'm thankful for (3 to be exact), and a lot of joy. I wanted to reuse the title from my last post but I figured I could come up w/ something new. lol Anyways here are the graces God has been pouring into my life recently:

1. http://rzihashrimp.blogspot.com/ When I saw that my friend Cecilia Rziha had started a blog I was really excited. She is one of the deepest thinkers I've ever met; one of those folks who has given some thought to just about everything, an awesome woman of God. Not only that but God has used her blog to drop a couple Holy Spirit anvils on me already this year. I'm sure she's not going to appreciate this but a lamp is not lit to be hid under a bushel basket so go check it out.

2. Encouragement. The second thing I'm grateful for is tied to another friend's blog as well. A few weeks ago my friend Jackie posted a story she read. It totally nailed me:

"On the last day of our four-day trip, I told Jonathan we were going to drive to one of the lakes in the area. We weren't going to do the Mall or a show. He knew something was up and wasn't sure if he liked it. I pulled into a parking lot in our rental care and stopped next to the lake. Then I turned to my son and gave him a bit of a shock.
"Jonathon," I said, "let's trade places."
I paused, then went on. "I want you to get behind the wheel of this car and drive around the parking lot a bit.
Jonathan was stunned, especially because he is a bit of a rule keeper. "Dad - no! I am only twelve. I can't drive." I smiled and encouraged him that I would only have him drive around the parking lot for a few minutes. "Dad, I can't I am not big enough. This isn't good. Mom will not like this, Dad. Mom will not like this!"
When I finally talked him into it, he slipped into the driver's seat with fear and trembling. He slowly backed up, trying to imitate all he had seen me do over the years. Then he began rounding the parking lot. Before long, he was having fun. He's a boy, and like most boys he found driving a car natural and enticing. He was actually quite good at it, though I did stop him after a few minutes.
It was after this experience that a meaningful conversation ensued. I said, "Jonathan, how did you feel when you first took the wheel?"
He was honest. He acknowledged that he'd felt panicked, terrified that he couldn't do it."But you found out you could do it after all, didn't you?" I said.
When he agreed, I went on. "Jonathan, those feelings are exactly what you'll be feeling as you enter manhood. You will think you can't do it, that you don't know where you are going, but you won't want anyone to know how you're feeling. Being a man is a lot like taking the wheel of a car. You are no longer a passenger in life. You are a driver, responsible for getting to a destination and getting your passengers safely there as well. Growing up means becoming a drive instead of a passenger." http://aww-spiration.blogspot.com/2011/01/panicked-and-terrified-then-what.html

Jonathan made me laugh b/c I've been right there. I remember having similar arguments with my dad over driving the tractor and being terrified initially too. And in all honesty I feel like I'm still there in a way. My life has been crazy the last few months. With My Grandpa passing away in December, several friends getting either married or engaged, and summer internships deadlines looming I've been feeling a lot like the little kid in the story. I'm too young, too immature, too selfish...etc, to be making these big decisions, to be transitioning into the next phase of life. Through stories like this though, and through a hundred other little graces God's been reassuring me that with Him all things are possible, and for that I am forever grateful.

3. Father Roch and Theology of the Spiritual Life. This is the class I'm most excited about this semester. Fr. Roch is novice director for the Cistercians and around 80 years old with a thick Hungarian accent. To quote Fr. Roch's notes "the theology of the spiritual life is to be distinguished from other branches of theology not on the basis of its object but on the basis of the believing subject in whom the mysteries of faith become 'spirit and life.'" So basically, we're going to be guided by a saintly old monk in studying the lives of the saints, and reading some of the great spiritual writers of the church, with the goal not of gaining systematic knowledge, but of growing in holiness. Seriously?! I get college credit for this??? Awesome! This class is making me all the more grateful that God put a place like UD on the earth and then gave me the grace to stumble upon it.

So in summary: God is good! And while I'm still hopeless confused and wondering what the heck He is doing in my life and where He wants me to go, I know that He's the one in charge and that as stubborn as I am, I'm no match for Him. God bless, and quo vadis, where are you going?

He is Faithful

2011-01-05T18:25:00.000-08:00

Sorry for the long span between posts, a lot has been happening in my life in the last 4 weeks. I'd been waiting to be ready to write a post on all of it, but right now I feel a bit like the little boy who St. Augustine saw trying to fit the whole ocean into a whole in the sand. It's going to be a while before I'm ready to write about it.

However, after coming out of adoration tonight I was yet again so amazed at God's faithfulness that I had to get on and share it. It's been a tiring week. I feel like I've been gradually worn down. Today was a continuation of that theme. I slept through my alarm, missing mass, and then proceeded (I'm a little embarrassed to admit this) to sleep until 10:30 because no one came in to wake me up. I went to work and was hoping to finish in time to make the 6:00 Mass at St. Catherine's. That required quitting around 5. I was about 25 minutes late getting into the house because of a few little things that popped up at the end of work. Thanks to a super fast shower I was going to be able to make it but as I walked out the door around 5:35, Jay, our afternoon milker, hollered to me from across yard. The bulls were out and he needed help getting them back in because they were being really stupid. In the process the baby calves freaked out and three of them got out too. Suffice to say I didn't make it to Mass which only added to the frustration already inherent in chasing bulls all over the farm. However, while all this running and yelling and getting frustrated is going on the sky is lit up in a glorious sunset. If you look back through my posts you'll see one of my favorite's on the Theology of a Sunset. I guess I kind of look at sunsets the way Noah must have looked at rainbows, they're a sign of God's faithfulness and love to me. I have to laugh now looking back because while I was not exactly in the best mind set for appreciating the sunset, I got two texts from different friends prompting me praise God for the beauty of this evening.

As I walked back into the house at 6, I knew there was some reason why God had kept me from getting to mass that evening, but I didn't have a clue what it could be because I felt like I really needed that grace right now. After eating supper with Mom and Dad, Mom asked if I wanted to ride into St. Jude's with her and go to adoration while she was at choir practice since I'd missed mass. Then Dad pointed out that St. Jude's had mass that evening at 6:30. It was weird that all three of us had forgotten that. I drove my mom into practice and as we were walking in we literally almost ran into Fr. Vacha who was getting ready to head back to the rectory after mass. Talk about timing. One of the reasons I was disappointed at not making it to St. Catherine's is because I'd really wanted to go to confession. So I got my confession in and went to the adoration chapel. After doing my penance, and reading a chapter from Wild at Heart (good book btw), I decided to pray evening prayer. Wow. In doing so I discovered the reason why I had missed mass. God really wanted me in that adoration chapel praying evening prayer. I normally don't sing or even read through the opening song but for some reason tonight I started reading the second option for the opening hymn. Read through it here and make sure to say the refrain each time:

Refrain:
For to those who love God,
Who are called in His plan,
Everything works out for good.
And God Himself chose them
To bear the likeness of His Son
That He might be the first of many, many brothers.

Who is able to condemn? Only Christ who dies for us;
Christ who rose for us, Christ who prays for us.

Refrain

In the face of all this, what is there left to say?
For if God is for us, who can be against us?

Refrain

Who can separated us from the love of Christ?
Neither trouble, nor pain, nor persecution.

Refrain

What can separate us from the love of Christ?
Not the past, the present, nor the future.

The first time through the refrain I was kinda like "yeah, whatever." Then it gets your attention with the first verse and then, bam, right back to the refrain, then total simplicity in the second verse, and complete confidence in the last two verses and by the end of it God has told you like 5 times that its fine because you're part of His plan and you're His son through being the brother of Christ so He's gonna take care of you. I don't know maybe it sounds like making a big deal out of nothing but the Holy Spirit was totally telling me what I had been needing to hear. Then the psalms for that night were incredible. I thought about typing them too but that would make this post even ridiculously longer. If you're interested though they were Psalm 62 "In God alone is my soul at rest" Amen. Psalm 67 "O God be gracious and bless us and let your face shine upon us." And finally, Col 1:12-20 "He rescued us from the power of darkness...Through Him we have redemption, the forgiveness of our sins."

Now the real kicker, I had my breviary tabbed wrong. I should have been on Wednesday Week III but I was on Week II, so when I went to do the reading what was it? "He rescued us from the power of darkness...Through Him we have redemption, the forgiveness of our sins." Col 1 again. God is good. He knew I was too stubborn to let it sink in in just one read through. He was ministering to me so much in that moment that I almost stopped so I could start writing it down because I've been meaning to write out all the ways He has shown me His faithfulness in the last weeks, but I kept on. I thought maybe He might not be done yet. He wasn't. I was already so grateful, but when I got to the intercessions the response was "Lord, show us your compassion." I almost didn't pray it. He'd already shown me His goodness so clearly I felt unworthy to receive anymore, but then I thought of it from the standpoint of obedience. He was asking me, to ask Him, to show His compassion. So I asked. The rest of the petitions were arranged from all time in the mind of God to speak to me where I am right now, they touched on the sacred liturgy (which I had been upset about missing and yet had brought me to that very place), spiritual and physical healing (which my soul is in desperate need of), hope to those in torment and to those in sin that they may rejoice in God (me again), release for captives (wow, again, really? that's me too), and finally to let the dead pass through the door to heaven, Christ (May eternal light shine upon him).

Finally the closing prayer was that we may be filled with the radiance of God. Thank you Lord. So I don't know what He has planned, but I know above all else He is forever faithful, and He just made me pray for Him to show me His compassion. If the last few weeks are any indication it could get interesting. Maybe you'll hear about it in another blog post in the not to distant future. We'll see. Also sorry I'm so dang long winded, I'm gonna work on simplicity this year, including in my writing.

"In the face of all this, what is there left to say?
For if God is for us, who can be against us?"

Quo Vadis, where are you headed?

Thirty reasons why I know God is good.

2010-12-04T11:32:00.000-08:00

For the last several months I've been posting reasons why God is good, Gig's. To give credit where credit is due I got the idea from the three incredibly blessed days that I spent at Prayer and Action in Norton, KS this summer. Recently I hit #30 and figured it would be a good time to look back on them. As I was reading through them, it prompted me to reflect back on how God has been working in my life this semester, which was really awesome. I'd been feeling like this had been kind of a quiet semester (compared to Rome anyways) but upon looking back on these reasons I realized God has really been doing a lot in my life. Take sometime this advent to reflect on how God's been working in your life. Anyway these are my first 30 reason why I know God is good:

1. The petition from tonight's Evening Prayer - Guide travelers along the path of peace and prosperity...
2. Realizing just how many good people I'm surrounded by everyday and how many more I have to meet.
3. After coming out of the first Philosophy of Being: Philosophy of the Person class of the semester Pandora plays "less that perfect more than flesh and bone" Matt Maher.
4. He made Kansas.
5. Perfectly beautiful late summer nights
6. Fresh Homemade food on a Sunday evening. Props Matias Hospitality Group.
7. For giving us humans the ability to bring together the labor, research, and expertise of literally hundreds of individuals into my bowl of honey nut cheerios.
8. The newness of creation as the sunsets into a clear sky after 2 straight days of rain. And on Mary's birthday no less!
9. Reconciliation.
10. Dancing all night at the world's largest honky-tonk w/ a great group of UD'ers.
11. Good food, great friendship and a slightly overcooked cake on a Sunday night.
12. A roomate that gets me out running and working out when I have no motivation too.
13. The feast of the Seven Sorrows of Mary. Check out the rosary of the seven sorrows: http://7sorrows.org/7sorrows.aspx
14. For His faithful instrument, Rex, a good Samaritan that
dropped his plans to help us when our alternator quit in the middle of
nowhere Oklahoma.
15. Tonight's gratefulness - for bringing me into the world in a Catholic family, for a 2,000 year old tradition of religious art and architecture, for sacramental grace, and Matt Maher, Addison Road, and 10th Ave North in concert.
16. The first fall chill, beautiful Gregorian chant at mass, and praise and worship afterwards
17. A 10pm, classical piano concert for three in the Church of the Incarnation.
18. Blessed Bartolo Longo and the 'Supplica': http://vultus.stblogs.org/2010/10/o-rosario-benedetto-di-maria.html#more
19. For creating a little town on the side of a hill in Northern Italy as the headwaters of the river of grace, poured out through a poor humble man dressed in rags and his devote followers. Happy feastday of St. Francis! P.S. if you want to check out the blog of my time there last semester: http://quo-vadis-deum.blogspot.com/2010/02/pax.html
20. For friends who always remind me God is good.
21. For healing all ten. Today's Gospel: Lk 17:11–19
22. An indescribably blessed weekend. (TEC 126 Hoot among other things)
23. "You walk with me, you never leave, you're making my heart a garden." Matt Maher for the second time in a month!
24. For His faithful servant St. John Vianney, "The Lord does not ask us to be martyrs of the body but rather to be martyrs of the heart and the will."
25. For reminding me to laugh at myself
26-28. For reminding me what stars are, why I love KS, and for putting me in a gigantic family full of wonderful cooks. Happy Thanksgiving y'all!
29. For making bobcats with cabs and heaters. Unbelievable!
30. His faithfulness knows no end.

Theology of a Sunset

2010-11-23T21:37:00.000-08:00

This is an idea that came to me while I was working on the farm last summer. However it most definitely has its roots in the awesomeness and beauty that we were surrounded by while in Italy last semester (Watching the sun set into the Tyrrhenian Sea from the Alban hills just south of Rome is pretty cool, as is the Umbrian sunset from the top of a castle in Assisi, as is seeing the sun go down into the Adriatic while sailing to Greece, etc. etc.) Like I said though, this idea didn’t come to me until the hottest, driest three weeks of the summer. I’ve held off typing it out because I felt like it wasn’t quite time yet; the ideas hadn’t worked themselves all the way out. After talking it through with my good friend Sara Gudde, who came down to visit me here at UD last weekend, I feel ready. In addition, after Sara and I had visited, the sunset Sunday evening was perhaps the most amazing I have seen thus far in TX. I felt like that was God’s little way of saying it was time. Anyways enough prologue, here it goes; I may revise or add to it later but I think the time is right.

I’ve realized after coming to school here in Texas (where we have some small hills and trees and stuff), that one of the beauties of growing up in a place so flat as the flood plain of the Big Arkansas River is that you can watch the sunset. Here at UD the last 20 min of the sunset the sun is behind this big hill and a bunch of trees, but back home, if you stand in the right spot, you can watch the sun go all the way to the horizon. This makes for a different type of sunset. This summer it got really hot and dry for three weeks straight. Something about that weather consistently produced the most amazing sunsets. My friend Sarah Brenner and I had been texting each other whenever we saw a really good one and it seemed like we ended up texting each other each night for several weeks. Since I was working on the farm I got to watch them every evening and after a while an idea started to take hold. It started to sink in how much each individual sunset was an absolute masterpiece, no less than the Bernini’s or Michelangelo’s we studied in Rome. And yet these sunsets lasted at their most brilliant for only about 30 seconds before they began to fade down to dusk. If that’s how it worked with human masterpieces, that they only lasted for a few moments before fading; if Caravaggio’s only lasted for a split second, people would never cease lamenting such a tragedy. I don’t know if you’ve ever heard the story of the Prodigal Son called instead the story of the Prodigal Father, the idea being that the father is so generous and forgiving with his love that it is almost wasteful, prodigal. I feel like God is that way with sunsets. Each one is a masterpiece, a treasure perfected by God’s own hand and yet we only have a split second to appreciate them before they are gone forever. As much as we may want to capture them and hang on to the beauty, we can’t. Even the best picture can’t capture the shear creative splendor and the power of experiencing an awesome sunset firsthand. All that we can do is thank God for the love He makes manifest so presently to us, and move on knowing that each evening He repeats this breathtaking spectacle of His love for us.

This idea applies to more than just sunsets or even the beauty of the natural world though. Sarah Gudde said she felt like her life was full of “sunset moments.” Whether they are the awesome view from a mountain top, the friendly smile of a stranger, or a sweet, brief friendship, these moments all pass, they are not ours to keep. We should not despair at the transitory state we live in, but rather thank God for the new gifts He is constantly giving us. Imagine if the sky was always the flaming red of a brilliant sunset, would we be able to appreciate its beauty? No; it is because it lasts only for a split second that the sunset is so remarkable to us. If we spend our time wishing we still had those gifts that have already passed we will miss all the ones God is surrounding us with in the present. In one of my favorite prayers from St. Augustine, he addresses God as “Beauty ever ancient, ever new.” I think Augustine is hitting at the same idea, God is forever (eternally) making present His love for us in new, creative ways. If each sunset was the same beauty or if life was a perpetual sunset we would not have the opportunity to realize constantly God’s love in new and completely unique ways.

This is not to say that this transitory life is perfectly satisfying. It’s not. There is some part of us that longs for permanence, for stability. I think that this is by design though, His design specifically. Without this longing we might be satisfied merely by created things rather than longing for a relationship with the creator himself. This inner longing cannot be satisfied by anything in this world but only by our God who is “ever-ancient, ever-new.”

I want to finish with a quote given to me by a friend.
Every wonderful sight will vanish; every sweet word
will fade, but do not be disheartened.

The source they come from is eternal…
growing, branching out, giving new life and new joy.

Why do you weep?
That source is within you as well…
-Jelaluddin Rumi

Take a second to appreciate the “sunset moments” in your life today, or better yet make an effort to be one for someone else. God Bless!

Let everything that lives and breaths praise the Lord -Psalm 150

2010-11-07T11:30:00.000-08:00

This week as I was trying to come up with something worth writing a blog entry about, God in his great faithfulness bailed me out yet again and gave me an awesome experience to write on. Last Tuesday, the feast of All Souls Day, the Cistercian Abbey of Our Lady of Dallas had their annual Requiem Mass. Here's a link to the Kyrie of the Anerio Requiem that was sung so you can get an idea: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0NhrUkI3X30&feature=related

The Collegium Cantorum from UD that sang the polyphonic chant for the mass was truly amazing. I once read a reflection of priest about his guardian angel, he said that his guardian angel was always drawing him to the Mass, and was most perfectly in a state of bliss during the celebration of the Eucharist. He said it was almost as if he could hear the flutter of wings when the host was elevated at the consecration. If ever there was a liturgy to evoke the fluttering of wings it was this Requiem. The simply awe-inspiring music was enhanced by the significance of the feast we were celebrating, in offering the mass for all the souls of the dearly departed. The universal church, militant, suffering, and triumphant seemed especially present in the standing room only church that night. It was as if you could feel physically the " so great cloud of witnesses surrounding us" Hebrews 12:1. What an honor and blessing to be part of something so profound.

Finally, I thought it was an awesome testament to the Catholic faith that the last two things to provoke me to post a blog entry have both been music, radically different types of music, and yet radically the same in their praise and honor of God. In our church we bring together centuries old traditions like Anerio's polyphonic chant with the contemporary praise of Matt Maher. How blessed are we that God didn't just give us one way to praise him through music, but an infinite myriad. May he be forever praised in the Kyrie's and the Hold Us Together's.

You're Making My Heart a Garden

2010-10-22T19:22:00.000-07:00

First, I must apologize for, as my blogging accountabilty partner has reminded me, I have been doing a deplorable job writing regularly. Lucky for me though the Matt Maher concert at the Univeristy of Dallas Ministry Conference tonight so was amazing that I couldn't help putting up a blog right away.

While the whole concert was wonder-full, (Matt Maher has such an awesome testimony, message and an incredible gift at leading worship) there was one point in particular at which I was just stunned by God's faithfulness. I'll do my best to paraphrase how he introduced the song, or at least how I took it:

You know us humans have it pretty good. We were made; not only that but we were made on the sixth, the last day that He worked. And then He rested on the seventh day, He went on vacation, and we got to go along. We didn't have to do any work and yet still we got to go along to the garden where God walked with us. But we left that garden and ever since then God's been trying to get us back. He sent prophets, judges, and kings but to no avail. Finally, He, God Himself, took on our flesh so that He could also take our sins upon himself to make the situation right again. And because of that sacrafice He made for us we're all able to be here tonight. Because of that sacrafice we can return to the garden and walk with God once again. However, that garden is no longer so much an external thing as it is an internal thing. God cultivates that garden inside, in our hearts...and maybe as that change takes root it changes the way we look at the external world too.

He then proceeded to play "Garden" listen to it -> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W9P9RkwLK-0

While he was playing I was thinking about his introduction for the song especially the part about how when that change begins to take root in our heart maybe it will being to change the way we look at the external world and we be'd walking with God. That's when it struck me that I'd had that esperince before. One time on a narrow paved road, on an early summer's night in the middle of nowhere Israel, at the base of Mount Tabor I walked a few miles down to a bus stop just visiting with a good friend. We shared a few two-pence peices of bread between us. The weather could not have been more perfect, there was the gentlest breeze blowing over a field of hay that'd just been cut, and we were heading to Jerusalem the next day to celebrate Our Lord's Passion, Death, and Resurrection. It was probably the most beatiful night I have ever had the privalege of living through. I remember thinking at the time that it was like God had transfigured creation for us that one night, just as His Son had been transfigured upon the mount we had so recently descended.

Standing there among all of those young adults on fire for their faith I realized that on that night at the base of Mount Tabor we had been walking with God. Talk about chills. I also realized that I can walk with God anytime, whenever I realize His hand in all the little creations He has surrounded me with. Whereever He's leading me I am more committed than ever to going becuase I know He'll be walking with me. Quo Vadis? Where are you going? God Bless!

He Married Kansas

2010-09-26T07:31:00.000-07:00

It may have been apparent from my "reasons to love Kansas" facebook statuses over the summer, but I am more than a little grateful for having been born and raised in such an blest land. A while back a friend sent me an article that her brother-in-law had written and had published in the Salt Lake City Diocesan newspaper while he lived out there. I feel obliged to pass it along because it is just so dang awesome. Enjoy (and if your not from Kansas I'm sorry if you don't get it, you'll have to come and experience it for yourself sometime):

I Married Kansas

by Kase D. Johnstun

When hills turn to valleys along the flat landscape of the Missouri river, she starts to get excited. Her voice inflections while reading Harry Potter become more exuberant, and she glances more often off the pages at the stringy flapping corn rows and the "Beef, it’s what for dinner" signs that contrast the feeding cows behind them, unknowing of their inevitable fate – they’re for dinner. Once corn becomes drastic slants and curves of rocky-northern, dust bowl shards of land, she knows she is home. Conversation becomes focused. Autumn is playing golf and doing well at it. Chelsea’s back-hand springs are getting better. Kristen and Doug have a new puppy. Mom is threatening to quit her job, because they treat her like crap. Dad has been doing concrete in Kansas City.

The nighttime glow of the cities is gone and the stars from my childhood reappear. They’re still out there, vastly spanning and sparkling across the entire sky, and the feeling of minuteness of childhood returns – they are still there and I am still small. In the scope of the universe, I have not grown. She looks up at them too. To her, the stars mean home, a home with stars that have not gone away, stars that are a cradle of comfort in the deep Kansas night that stretches for miles of quiet miles. The quiet, expansive miles surround me as I look for a non-existent horizon and I feel tiny again.

Everything is 15 minutes away by car. How far until we get to Pittsburg? 15 minutes. How far away is your grandma’s? About 15 minutes. How far until Wal-Mart? About 15 minutes. Any idea how long it is going to take to get everyone in the car? Easily 15 minutes.

At nine, at 12, at 18, and at 22, I could have never trekked the trails of my mountainous imagination and seen the mile-by-mile roads of Southeast Kansas, the deep and life-long connection I now have to it, the new family that waits for us to visit, the upstairs bed that creaks, and the random cats the creep outside during the night. I married Kansas – the cold, windy Christmas mornings, the small town festivals, the cake walks, the fried chicken, the hospitality, the friendliness, the eternal optimism of Christian living, the dead silent nights, and the howling coyotes – I married Kansas.

I married Kansas, the stories about eight man football, the large American flag in front of the high cross in front of the VFW, the church where all social events are held, from rowdy wedding receptions to elementary school birthday parties. I married long pauses between words, making sure everything has been said, as to not rudely interrupt, calmly listening until I have made my point, as to make sure I felt I had something important to say.

When I stood at the end of the stretching Cathedral Aisle, Kansas walked to me, clutching her father’s hand, looking as beautiful as a harvest sunset. Kansas took my hand and sat next to me during the service and said, I do. The small creatures that roam the night in the fields and the tornado shelters looked up at me and cried and walked back down the aisle with me holding my hand tightly, waiving to our families. I married Kansas, a love for family that roots in the rich soil of soy beans and wheat and grows strongly with every season, popping out proudly and strong above the dark, clay-like detritus of her mother. The doors of the Cathedral opened and together, the warm love and comforting smile of Kansas and I walked out together. Kansas kissed me, and I said I will love you forever, Kansas.

Pay it forward

2010-09-21T22:13:00.000-07:00

Driving back down to UD this Sunday I felt like a had a pretty good idea for a blog entry about my weekend in Kansas. God had different ideas. As we were nearing Blackwell, OK about an hour and a half away from home in Kansas and four hours away from home in Texas, my truck started doing funny things. First the radio quit which was soon followed by the speedometer. At this point I thought maybe a wire had come loose as I'd been having some problems with the dash, that was until I noticed that my dashboard lights were really dim and upon further inspection of my gauges I realized that the voltage was not reading at all. For a gasoline-powered, internal combustion engine this is a problem. So as we passed Blackwell the truck began to stutter and as I pulled up the exit ramp of Hubbard Rd, three miles south of Blackwell, it died completely. Thus David and I were left sitting just off I-35 in the Middle-of-Nowhere OK with a dead battery and burned out alternator. I got out of the truck, popped the hood, poked around a little, called my dad, and we decided that it was most likely that the alternator had gone out (the part that charges the battery so the spark plugs can spark and thus power your engine). My dad got in the truck to come and help us fix it and David and I were about to settle in for a good long wait when a little car pulled up the off ramp. A middle-aged man got out and asked if we needed any help. He must have decided at the very last second to stop because his car was already halfway around the corner onto Hubbard Rd. After I told him the problem he offered to give me a ride back into Blackwell, which had a few parts stores, as he was on his way there to pick up some kids for youth group. I ran the idea by my dad who was still on the phone and then got in the car while David stayed behind to watch the truck and work on homework. He dropped me off at the O'Reilly's in town and they had refurbished alternator that would work.

Over the course of the drive to and from I got to know this good Samaritan named Rex. He grew up on a farm and still did a little farming while he wasn't at his job in sales support for Conoco-Phillips. In fact we stopped by his farm after dropping off the youth group kids to pick up some tools. He had one adopted son who had actually majored in Politics (my major), had gone to law school and was now a staffer for an Oklahoma Senator in DC. He came from a tight-nit farm family and was a devoted Methodist. He had grown up near Nordin, and was watching people slowly move away, off the farm, and the resulting gradual decline of rural Oklahoma. As we got on I-35, headed back to the truck the conversation really got good though. He led off by saying that he didn't want to offend but that he felt he needed to say that it didn't matter what we call ourselves, Methodists, Catholics, etc, it was out belief in Jesus Christ that made us Christians, which I agreed to (religion had come up earlier in the drive due in part to the large white cross in the middle of my shirt which I suspect was part of the reason why he stopped). He went on to tell me how God seemed to give him all kinds of opportunities to help people, us most recently. He had been on his way to Ponca City to pick up a kid for the youth group, when the leader called to say that guy wasn't coming and could he go to Blackwell to pickup a few other kids. He'd just passed the Blackwell exit when he got the call so he drove on up to the Hubbard St exit to turn around and when he exited there David and I sat. We hadn't been there for more than a minute or two when he pulled up; the timing of God never ceases to amaze me. When I tried to thank him for dropping his plans to help us, he told me not to thank him because he was just the instrument and the only plan he was trying to carry out was God's (reminds me of some other friends back home). About that time we got back to the truck. The old alternator came out out surprisingly easily and the new one went in just as well. As Rex was hurriedly collecting his tools so he could get back to the youth group, I thanked him again and tried to give him some money for his time and gas, but he wasn't about to take it. He told me for the second the only person I had to thank was God, and I promised him I'd pay it forward. I also thank God for my dad who dropped everything on a Sunday afternoon to drive an hour just to have us get the truck fixed shortly before he got there.

Since Sunday I've been trying to realize the little opportunities of charity God has given me to carry out that promise, and in a way I hope this post is one of those little acts. I hope the story of our little adventure will bring you the same kind of feeling of awe at the goodness of God's plan that David and I had, and that it will encourage you to look for your own little ways of touching others' lives. Our unexpected breakdown ended up being the highlight of a great weekend and a motivation to grow in charity. How is God working through the unexpected in your own life? God Bless and until next time quo vadis, where are you going?

By the Sweat of Our Brow

2010-09-07T05:28:00.000-07:00

The thought that I'm going to try and bring out in this post was prompted by a conversation with a good friend almost a year ago, but most of the ideas came to me while milking cows just before coming to school this summer. I finally decided to sit down and write it firstly, in honor of Labor day yesterday, and secondly because in his homily yesterday Fr. Macguire, OCist., put the capstone on my thoughts. Anyways here goes:

As I was saying this line of thought was started about a year ago by a conversation with a good friend who was trying to figure out what to do with her life. The conversation came around to me and what I thought I might end up doing. I jokingly said that for all I know I might end up farming the rest of my life, God seems to have an ironic sense of humor like that, and because I really didn't have (and pretty much still don't have) any idea what He wants me to end up doing. My friend was a little taken aback (she's the type that wants to cure cancer, or be he first female president, etc). "Farming?" she said "Come on Seiler you're called to something bigger than that." Not that she had any disdain for farming but she was of the opinion that we have been given so much at UD through the Core, the Rome program, and the unbelievable Catholic identity all of which combines into a world class liberal arts education and if we have been given so much it was only because we were expected to make full use of it and do grand things. Change the world so to speak. She was supported in this by scripture too, "Much will be required of the person entrusted with much" Luke 12:48.

I wrestled with this idea for a while because instinctively I felt that there was something not quite right about it, however, I wasn't able to put my finger on just what. After a while the conversation slipped from my mind and I wasn't reminded of it until I was milking cows one afternoon a few weeks ago. (Quick tangent: Over the summer I really developed an appreciation for milking cows. It's a great time to think because the basic actions don't require than much mental engagement but yet you are constantly moving for the full three hours. Thus, your mind is pretty much free to think about whatever you want and you don't get sleepy because you never stop moving long enough to.) Anyways back to the topic, as I was thinking in the barn the Gospel from a few days before came to mind. It was the one in which Jesus is in Nazareth and they try and throw him off a cliff after he says how a prophet is never accepted in his homeland. It has always seemed remarkable to me that we have almost no information about Jesus's life between his birth and baptism. Thirty whole years, the vast majority of His life, and we know practically nothing about them. His life during this time was so unremarkable that even His neighbors and the townspeople of Nazareth in the Gospel story didn't notice anything extraordinarily different about Jesus as is evident when they didn't believe he could be the Messiah. Then out of nowhere the conversation I'd had with my friend came back to me. Here was the Son of God, gifted above all men, full of grace, possessing of everything that was the Father's and for thirty years the best, most perfect thing he could do was learn and practice the simple trade of a carpenter. Here was the most perfect human to ever live and the most perfect thing he could do for the first part of His life was humble, poor, manual labor. As I was trying to make sense of this in light of Luke 12:48 I thought of a quote by Mother Teresa that I had just heard that week: "God does not measure our faithfulness by our success but rather He measures our success by our faithfulness." Thus Luke 12 is right, great things will be expected of us who have been given so much, but that which is expected is not necessarily great deeds in the eyes of the world, but rather great faithfulness.

This idea of the simplicity of faithfulness in our vocations had been stirring around in my head as we started school and then in an act of pure Providence Fr. Macguire used the readings from the feast of St. Joseph for Mass on Labor day. The first reading for the feast of St. Joseph is the account of the 6th and 7th days of creation and most powerfully for me the Gospel was the story of Jesus in Nazareth telling the people that a prophet is never accepted in his native place. Father then gave a whopper of a homily (it was a 50 min daily mass all together) but it was right on the mark. It centered on the idea that we were called to imitate God and perfect creation. While this sounds a little strange at first, improving upon our perfect God's creation, that is after all the way He designed it to work. He filled creation with all kinds of potential. He gave us fertile ground the be cultivated, useful metals to be mined, wood to be constructed, and our minds to develop along with infinite other gifts in creation just waiting to be perfected by man. When we bring order to creation as He instructed us, we are truly imitating God. What a sublime calling!

To wrap it up then I want to challenge all of you to spend some time in prayer, especially those of us that are in thick of discerning our Vocations. I challenge you to ponder closely Christ's example in His home in Nazareth. As St. Therese of Lisieux is so famous for saying, not all of us are called to be roses, some of us are just created to be simple daisies. It's a challenge for us to humble ourselves and to perform with great love the simple and mundane things God has called us to, but it is only when we surrender ourselves to His will in this way that the truly great thing can begin to happen, heroic faithfulness. As brothers and sisters in Christ we are all on this journey together so please keep me in your prayers as you all are in mine. God Bless, good luck, and until next time: "quo vadis," where are you going?

Tribute

2010-08-17T18:17:00.000-07:00

So I'm not sure if this blog will be worth reading now that I'm not traveling to all sorts of exotic places but I figured I ought to give it a shot anyways as there are a few different things that have been stirring around in my head recently.

A few days ago we started chiseling wheat ground and the first field I worked was that of an old friend, Maury Brand. Maury passed away almost two year ago in a farm accident. Although he was around 75, I count him among my good friends. He was a solid Catholic, the head of his family and a true Kansas farmer, even though he only farmed 160 acres in his retirement after working in a meat packing plant his whole life. Maury also had a little Piper Cub that he flew out of a grass runway in his wheat field. I was blessed enough to ride with him on a few beautiful summer evenings the summer before he passed away.

I'm not sure I'm going to be able to explain this to any of my non-farmer friends but I've always known that there is something very spiritual about farming. It probably has something to do with being so closely connected to God's creation for your livelihood, the trust that comes from being able to control so few of the variables that determine your success. Whatever it is, I can see it when I help my Dad deliver a new-born heifer or when I listen to my Grandpa describe his simple and yet invincible belief in God. The other day when I was chiseling up Maury's wheat ground I felt it in an especially personal way. You learn about a piece of ground when you work it (even more so when you don't have autosteer). You learn how the water drains off of it in the ditches and how it doesn't in the mud holes. You learn about the soil; where the sand, alkali, clay and black dirt are. You can tell where the high yielding spots are by the thickness of the stubble and where the low yields are by the amount of weeds left behind. As I was working the Brand ground and observing all these details God gave me the grace to realize that Maury had known all these features like the back of his hand. He had an intimate connection to the piece of ground that I was just being introduced too. In a way it felt as if he was watching on as I was working his ground. In a way I felt that we now shared a special connection.

That week I had been beginning to prepare to head back to school and was thinking a lot about the universality of the church as I would be physically distant from many of my good friends. Through the special bond I felt with Maury from working ground that day I realized in a new way that our faith and the sacraments not only connect us to the entire community of believers on this earth but also to the faithfully departed. Kind of a humbling and comforting thought. Since then when I've been at mass one of my friend's sayings, "no distance between tabernacles," has come to mind several times. Since it is the one and only body, blood, soul, and divinity of Jesus present in the hosts occupying every tabernacle in the world and consumed by all of us in the Most Holy Sacrament of the Eucharist we are connected by a bond which transcends the boundaries of time and space, and even our present mortality. Next time your at mass maybe take the time to realize the awesome mystery that you are participating in and the special closeness you have not only with your distant friends and relatives but also with all those celebrating the same feast in heaven. God bless y'all!

Christ is Risen! Indeed He is Risen!

2010-04-11T08:00:00.000-07:00

!WARNING! –This post is obscenely long! It has taken me an entire day to type it. I have a reputation for writing novels and this beats all. If you don’t feel like tackling it all at once it’s broken up by day. No pics yet. I was trying to upload them but after facebook failed after working on the same set for 6 hours I got a little discouraged. I’ll try and get them up in the next couple days and maybe put some up here on a separate post. Also after finishing typing all this at around midnight. I didn’t have the motivation to go back and proof read it again. Sorry, good luck. God Bless!

Greetings and Blessings from Rome! So we did a lot more on our 10 day break than just going to the Holy Land but that is the part of the trip that is the most overwhelming, hopefully sometime soon I can come back and write about Istanbul and Cappadocia because they definitely deserve a post. Anyways straight to the main event: Israel! We left Istanbul Monday afternoon of Holy Week on Baltic Air. Unfortunately every route that Baltic flies goes through Riga. So we had an 8 hour layover in the capitol of Latvia. We ended up playing cards and eating the bread and Turkish delight we bought in Istanbul before we flew out. Our flight left Riga at Midnight and we touched down at 4am in Tel Aviv after not having slept at all despite having obscene amounts of leg room because we got the emergency exit row. When we got through passport control we quickly realized that something was wrong. The entire country’s bus and train system was not running that day because of Passover. Uh-oh. We ended up catching a sheruit to Hafia, and then in a true act of divine providence an Israeli family that had been in our sheruit was trying to get to Nazareth which was half way to Tiberius, where we were trying to go. The dad worked us out a deal, which ended up being pretty expensive but not as expensive as it would have been for us if we’d had to try and work it out on our own. Thus, after a little bit of excitement we ended up in Tiberius on the Sea of Galilee at 7am. We dropped our stuff at the hostel and then walked down to the shore which was about 3 blocks away and said Morning Prayer and read some passages out of the Bible. As we were standing there on the Sea of Galilee trying to decide what to do since there were no buses running that day I suggested we could just try walking up to Capernum. Tiberius is about on the in the middle of the west side of the Sea of Galilee and Capernum is on the North edge. It ended up working out pretty well because basically everything we wanted to see was between Tiberius and the North end of the Sea. We set out around 9 and it took a little over 2 hours to walk to the Church of the Multiplication of the Loaves and the Fishes. From there we walked a little ways further to the Church of the Primacy of Peter, built upon the rock we Jesus is said to have told Peter, “You are Peter and on this rock I will build my Church.” While we were sitting there I was flipping through my bible trying to find a specific verse and I came across the theme from TEC 111, “Cast out into the deep,” Luke 5:4 next to it was the note that my confirmation sponsor, Bill Gress had written on that TEC. As I was looking out over the sea I realized that this was the literal “deep.” That was my first taste of being left in awe by personally experiencing the actual setting of the bible, something that would be repeated many times on this trip. After that we hiked up the Mount of Beatitudes to the Church situated at the top. As we walked up the dirt path that ran between hayfields and what looked a lot like prairie grass, I couldn’t help but thinking that the grove of trees at the top which hid the church looked a lot like my Grandma and Grandpa Butel’s farm in eastern Kansas. It was at that moment that I realized why I have always loved Kansas, it looks like the Holy Land! I also remarked how my dad would love it there after we walked by a cut wheat field with big straw bales stacked in the middle of it. When we got to the top we found out that church didn’t open for about an hour and a half at 2:30pm. So we sat down on some big rocks underneath some really tall olive-like trees. It was kind of a neat experience reading the bible and napping in the place which the crowds gathered to listen to our Lord. The view of the Sea from the church was astonishing, it blew my mind to think about listening to the Lord preach in such a setting. After a bit of an adventure walking through a banana grove that turned into a field full of weeds with really big thorns that in hindsight I’m pretty sure we weren’t supposed to go through, we came back down to the road that ran along the sea and made our way on to Capernum. We had planned on trying to eat fish in Capernum for a late lunch but when we got there all we found was an Orthodox Church and some archeological ruins. Oh well! At that point we were so far along the sea that we decided to just keep walking till we got to the Jordan river where it enters at the north end. This turned out to be a considerable way but we eventually made it and climbed down to the water which was moving fairly fast under the bridge. We just sat there and enjoyed the fact that we were on the Jordon River, in which time David managed to fall into the river and drop his brievery in as well. Lol. Refreshed from our break down by the river we set off back for Tiberius. Again God was looking out for us and a taxi tracked us down as we were about a third of the way back. It was getting dark and we were starting to pay for hiking all day on no sleep and a no food (we hadn’t eaten since 8pm the night before in Riga) I wasn’t sure we were going to make it back all in one piece. When we got back to Tiberius we got our fish dinner and went down and did Evening Prayer on the sea side again.

Wednesday
The next morning we slept a little late to give our bodies a chance to recuperate from the previous day. We caught a bus around 9:30 for Nazareth. After getting lost initially and walking up to the top of the town we spotted the Basilica of the Annunciation down below us and made our way back down. Once we finally got there we only had about 30 min before we needed to catch the next bus. It was pretty rushed, especially since I felt like I could have sat in front of the cave of the Annunciation and prayed there all day. I mean that was the spot we God became man, where Mary uttered her fiat, “thy will be done,” and where her role as co-redeptorix of humanity began. After I re-consecrated myself to her will I went over to the Church of St. Joseph next door. The Church is built over the house and workshop of St. Joseph, while I was there I thought about how my dad has taught me how to work a lot like St. Joseph taught Jesus how to work. About 2pm we got to Mount Tabor. The bus stop was about a good 45 min walk from the city at the base of the mountain. We got to the top by about 4 which was pretty good considering about half way up I think all of us started paying for all the walking we’d done in the last two days. We spent about an hour in the church and then at 5 when they closed we found a nice spot on the west side of the slope to sit and watch the sunset. We said Evening Prayer as the sun was setting and then hustled down because it had cooled off a little bit on the top of the mountain and Jared, the Texan, hadn’t brought a jacket and was freezing. Ha. On the way down Jared starting jogging trying to warm himself up and then for some reason we were all jogging down Mount Tabor. It was a really effortless jog because it was a perfect slope and the pavement was really smooth. We did that about half of the way down the Mountain before our bodies began to remind us that we hadn’t eaten anything since a rather meager breakfast that morning. When we got to the bottom we stopped at a little grocery store and bought a couple packages of bread. In hindsight I doubt that that bread was very good but walking along that empty road with a few good friends on a beautiful evening it tasted wonderful after not having eaten all day. I remarked to Jared as we were walking along back to the bus stop that it might be the most beautiful evening that I had ever had the privilege to be alive for. The temperature could not have been more perfect, the stars were bright, there was a gentle early summer night breeze blowing across a field of cut hay into our faces and the next day we would be following Christ’s steps to Jerusalem. When I’d talked to my friend Jackie about her trip to the Holy Land I’d felt like Mount Tabor was somewhere I really wanted to go and again when we were in Cappadocia, the frescos of the Transfiguration kept catching my attention. Who knows but I think it must have been that God wanted me to experience the ultimate grandeur of His creation that night. It seemed that just as Christ had been transformed into His glorified body on that mountain so too God had transformed His creation that night into something more glorious than usual. When we got back to Tiberius that night we went down to the Sea to say Office of the Readings. It was one of those offices that is perfectly timed, the psalms was about going to Jerusalem and Mount Zion. As we were praying I’d seen a few guys hope a fence at the edge of the pier and I hadn’t touched the Sea of Galilee yet so I hoped the fence too and the other three guys followed me. We worked our way down the big rocks and sat right on the edge of the sea. The moon was full, the water was smooth and we just sat around and talked till we decided that maybe we should get some sleep because we were going to have a full couple of days.

Holy Thursday
The next morning we woke up a little late again and caught the bus to Jerusalem around 9. The traffic was so bad that it took about an extra hour and we ended up getting into the Old City around 1pm. After getting situated we went a processed with the Franciscans from Casa Nova, their main house, to the Cenacle, the room of the Last Supper. I got really lucky and just slipped in the back door. The service was really nice and in several different languages. I was just following along in the book that a little old Italian nun was sharing with me when it hit me, this is the very room on the very day when Christ said, “This is my body…This is my blood.” Whoa! It took me like the rest of the day to recover, it just blew me away. On the way to mass at Ecce Homo Convent we stopped at Dormition Abbey the place where Mary is said to have lived with John after the Crucifixion. The other big highlight of the night was processing with the Franciscans to the Basilica of the Agony in the Garden. Again I got extremely lucky and was able to sneak into the church behind the Franciscans even though there were already people standing outside the church. It was absolutely packed inside but as a few people got tired of being so packed and left I was able to work my way over into the back corner and ended up climbing on top of a confessional, which I think had to be the best seat in the house. After the service we were able to go up and venerate the bare rock in front of the altar where Christ fell down and prayed in the garden. After the service we went and prayed in the olive grove next to the church which contained some of the largest olive trees I’ve ever seen. We found out later that scientist have taken measurements and determined that some of the trees are over 3300 years old! We were standing there praying under the same trees that Christ prayed under on that night so long ago! As I was leaving I ran into a girl we later named Pennsylvania (her home state) who studied at Hebrew University. We’d met her and her friends at our hostel in Tiberius, and Jared would run into her again on Staurday.

Good Friday
The next morning Joe and I woke up really early so we could get a good spot in line for Good Friday service at 6:30am at the Holy Sepulchre. I know this is probably starting to be a theme but again we got incredibly lucky and managed to work our way up to Calvary. For the entire service of the Lord’s Passion I was 15 feet or so from the very rock of Calvary. That was another one of those I really can’t believe this is where I actually am. It was strange how we seemed to keep running into the same pilgrims over those three days. As I was getting smashed up to Calvary that morning a priest to my right, turned and asked if I was actually from Kansas. That kind of threw me until I realized I had my Kansas 4-H Youth Council jacket on, it turns out he was from Missouri. After the service I managed to get through the line to go into the Sepulchre before the opened the doors of the church to the masses crammed outside. I’m still not sure I’ve really absorbed that part of the trip, that I venerated the tomb of Christ on Good Friday, wow. After we escaped out of the church through the masses of humanity that were rushing in, we made our way back to the Austrian Hospice where we were staying and met up with David. We made our way over to the First Station of the Cross which was close as the Hospice was on the Third Station. We started the Stations behind the Franciscans but due to the masses trying to go down the Via Dolorosa we quickly lost sight of them and then I lost the other two guys as well. I ended up making it through all the stations except those in the actual church despite the crowds. After that I’d had about enough of being shoved and crushed and crowded so I just made my way back to the Hospice and found a nice spot under a palm tree with my bible, breivary, and journal. It was good to just take some time do some praying and thinking. I took a little bit of a nap that afternoon and then my way to Ecce Homo for a penance service below the church in the Lithostrotos, the straight pavement where Christ was crowned with thorns and held before being sentenced. It was a nice quiet prayerful place that wasn’t crowded at all, a real gem in Jerusalem Holy Week services.

Holy Saturday
The next morning Joe, David and I woke up early again (like 4am) and made our way to the New Gate to try and get through security for the Easter Vigil Mass in the Holy Sepulchre which was at 6:30am. It looked a little doubtful for a while because there was some miscommunication amongst the Israeli police force which seemed to be comprised of basically the entire Israeli military, there were so many soldiers and officers around armed to the teeth. We ended up getting past the initial gate and as we were waiting for an officer to take us to the next checkpoint a Franciscan tapped us on the shoulder and told us to go follow this other brother who ended up taking us through the back of the Franciscan monastery, Casa Nova, were after waiting for a while we were escorted to the church by a Arab-Christian officer. After getting basically smuggled in, we were three of only 150 people who managed to get in and attend the Easter Vigil. Not only we did we get in but we all had a view of the altar which was set up directly in front of the opening of the tomb. I got separated from David and Joe and ended up standing right on the front corner of the tomb within 10 feet of the altar. I was right behind the row of priests that were concelebrating and who would end up in front of me but the priest from Missouri. I was able to look over his shoulder and follow along in the book he was sharing with another priest. It was a little beyond my meager Latin skills but I stilled managed to have a fairly good idea of what was going on and what the readings were about. After I received communion I knelt down and placed my hand on the tomb, and it was then that I was close as I would get to understanding what was actually happening. It was beyond anything my humble grasp of English could hope to describe. He is Risen! I was there and I have known it firsthand. What an amazing faith we have been given, what a wonderful Redeemer! After the service we hung around praying expecting to get thrown out any moment because of the Orthodox celebration of the Holy Fire which was going to happen at 2pm. The police never did though and when the Orthodox started rushing in around 11 we picked out our spot on a bench by the Latin chapel. We ended up choosing really well, as it got more crowded and then packed we were able to stand up so that we could still see and the stone wall behind us helped keep us cool as the church got hotter and hotter from all the people that had jammed in. The Holy Fire which first appeared in the 800’s is the longest reoccurring Christian miracle. The Patriarch enters the tomb and after saying a prayer a flame brought down from heaven by the angel Gabriel rises from the tomb which the Patriarch lights his candle off of and then brings out to the faithful waiting outside. Understandably the Orthodox get a little excited about this, and do everything in their power to get inside and witness it. This leads to what amounts to mass pandemonium inside the Holy Sepulchre. When the fire came out of the tomb it reminded me of when we burn off wheat stubble after harvest. Everyone had these massive, torch-like bundle of candles which resulted in a wall of fire moving towards us at a frightening speed. I don’t know how they don’t burn the whole church down and the smoke that filled the place was incredible. I think I inhaled more secondhand smoke that day than I have in my whole life. With no small help from Providence we survived that experience. In the great irony of the entire trip, the one Orthodox, Jared, didn’t manage to get inside the church because he got stuck in security while the three Catholics had a front row view. Poor kid. That afternoon I walked up to the Mount of Olives because I had only seen the Basilica of the Agony on Thursday night, and I also figured it would be less crowded up than the Old City. I ended up at the Dominus Flevit Chapel where Christ is said to have wept for the fate of Jerusalem. And I’ve got to say if I were trying to choose a place to weep for Jerusalem I don’t think a better spot could be found. It commands an amazing view of the Old City. I sat there on the side of the Mount of Olives under a tree and read the readings from mass that morning that I hadn’t really understood in the Latin. While I was sitting reading I saw a pilgrim who I’d ran into the night before at the penance service at Ecce Homo. I don’t have any idea what his name was but he was a really friendly old guy, and I hope he was blessed in the rest of his travels. When they closed at 5 I ran into Joe who was wondering around up on the Mount too. We wandered over to the Mosque of the Ascension (Christ is a prophet in Islam, so the place is holy for them too, I guess) and saw the footprint that Christ was supposed to have left in the rock as he ascended from earth. By that time most all the holy sites on the mountain were closing down so we worked our way down into the city and split up to hunt for souvenirs. After I’d spent all the shekles I had left I went back to the Hospice and did some more reading under the same tree, fell asleep and woke up in time to see Jared come back in. We sat and had a really good conversation about our faith, life, vocations, and everything we’d been experiencing. After a while we were joined by David and Joe and the four of us went out for our Easter feast at the Pizzeria across the street. Jared and I enjoyed the first meat we’d eaten since the beginning of Lent and I think Joe and David just enjoyed eating something other than the bread and water that we’d been eating most all of Holy Week. We bought some ice cream and went up to the roof terrace of the hospice, and visited about the trip as we celebrated.

Easter Sunday
Sunday morning we went to Easter morning mass at Ecce Homo because it was the only service that was early enough that we could go and still make it for our flight. So we celebrated Easter morning Mass on the roof of Ecce Homo as the sun rose over Jerusalem. It may have been my imagination but it seemed as if the domes of the Holy Sepulchre shone with a different brilliance that morning, the whole city had a different feel as if it knew He has risen too. We ran into the priest from Missouri one last time at mass (he was concelebrating again. Ha). His name was Fr. Matthew and it turned out he was a Jesuit studying at the Biblicium in Jerusalem and was good friends with our very own Fr. Brown, who is also a Jesuit and one of our chaplains on the Rome campus. After mass we went and had our first breakfast at the hostel together(every other morning we’d missed the free breakfast because we at the Holy Sepulchre). It felt strange leaving for Tel Aviv to fly out after only three days in Jerusalem. I hope and pray that it’s God’s will that someday I may be fortunate enough to behold the blessed city again.

Well folks, if you’re not sick of my writing by now something is probably wrong with you and you should go get that checked out. Lol. I hope if you persevered and read this whole thing that you receive some benefit or blessing. I feel a little bit like the gospel writer who finished by saying that there were many more things Christ did but if they were all written down the whole world wouldn’t be large enough to contain all the books to be written. These were the big details but my mind is full of so many more thoughts about the whole trip (after all this was only the half in Israel) mainly ideas I’ve taken away from it and things I’ve learned about myself and life. If you care to hear any of that, I’m not sure if I can put any of it into words but catch me when I get back to the states and we can have a chat and I’ll give it a try. God Bless, and remember that blessed are we who have not seen and yet believe! Christ is Risen! Indeed He is Risen!

Christ is Risen! Indeed He is Risen!

2010-04-05T02:26:00.000-07:00

"I give thanks to my God at every remembrance of you,praying always with joy in my every prayer for all of you,because of your partnership for the gospel from the first day until now. I am confident of this, that the one who began a good work in you will continue to complete it until the day of Christ Jesus. It is right that I should think this way about all of you, because I hold you in my heart, you who are all partners with me in grace, both in my imprisonment and in the defense and confirmation of the gospel. For God is my witness, how I long for all of you with the affection of Christ Jesus. And this is my prayer: that your love may increase ever more and more in knowledge and every kind of perception, to discern what is of value, so that you may be pure and blameless for the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ for the glory and praise of God." -Philippians 1:3-ll

As I was reading my TEC bible in Jerusalem on Good Friday I saw this verse highlighted and it summarized my sentiment perfectly. All of you back home were on my mind and in my prayers during Holy Week. I promise that sometime this week I will get a detailed blog entry up about our trip through Turkey and the Holy Land. God Bless and may you be filled with joy in the risen Christ this Easter season!

Tony

PAX

2010-02-21T03:26:00.000-08:00

First I want to apologize for my grievous failure in not updating sooner. I'm certain that during the last two weeks I've forgotten some details from our trip to Assisi. I'll do my best though. To begin at the beginning we read the start and the end of The Life of St. Francis by St. Bonaventure. Just in reading that I started to get excited for the trip. I hadn't realized it but my dislike for St. Francis of Assisi Parish (ever since their stacked basketball team dominated the middle school basketball league) prevented me from really learning about this amazing Saint. This weekend would have been great even if all that happened was that I got over my mental block towards St. Francis.
After we checked in a few of us went and walked around Assisi. It was such a quaint little medieval town. I hadn't started to notice it yet but there is a peace there that is tangible it hangs in the air and seeps into every corner of the little town. The highlight probably had to be when we dropped into Chiese Nuovo, a beautiful little church that claims to stand on the birthplace of St. Francis. As we were in there looking around my roommate, Jared Rovny coughed and it and it boomed through the little church. I stopped as I was halfway out the door and was like wait a sec. I asked Blaise if he knew the Salve Regina as I turned around and went back into the church. So we went back in and sang one of the most amazing Salves I have ever heard sung by two of the most mediocre voices. The sound was incredible. It multiplied and filled the whole church as if an entire choir had joined us. Pretty cool. That night I went walking with a group led mainly by Catherine Lepel who has a real problem in that she seemed compelled to take every staircase we came too. Thus we were zigzagging all over Assisi (there are a TON of stairs in Assisi and I think I walked about all of them. lol.). We ended up on the hill above Assisi next to the Fortress. I distinctly remember being a little spooked. I've never had a real love for being out in the dark probably due to the times as a little kid I had to walk out into the pasture in the middle of the night to get cows in with the coyotes howling. It was windy and desolate up by the fortress and I know at one point I kind of got annoyed with myself being creeped out and prayed something like, "God take away all my fear except my fear of You" (This will be significant later). The next morning after breakfast (all the meals were incredible, like really delicious, by the end I was feeling a little torn to be eating such good food in a town so pervaded by the ascetic spirit of St. Francis.) we went to the Basilica of St. Francis for Western Theological Tradition class with Dr. Dawson Vasquez. This class in addition to what we'd read from the Life of St. Francis really enhanced the weekend because I had a grasp of what the spirit of St. Francis was which filled the town.
Now it starts to get good. Ha. After lunch we started the hike up to the hermitage of St. Francis which would be an incredible, transformative experience for me. It was a pretty difficult walk up a paved road into the mountain behind Assisi. When I reached the hermitage I realized how definitely worth it the hike had been. I remember touching the moss on one of the trees as we entered and being struck with the thought that the water on my fingers felt like Holy Water. That was just the spirit of the place though. If the town of Assisi was peaceful then this place, to which St. Francis came when he wanted to get away from Assisi and pray in solitude, was peaceful beyond all imagining. We walked through the little series of carved out rooms which contained the tiny cave in which St. Francis slept on the bare stone when he came there. If I was tasked with defining the word humble I would simply show a picture of this tiny cave with low narrow doors and a simple stone altar just large enough to hold a few people at a time and yet filled with the fullness God. It was impressive in a way that all the cathedrals and basilica's of Europe cannot begin to compare to. After that I walked a way on the little dirt paths that wind up the mountain next to the hermitage. Eventually I left the group I was walking with and just sat down on a rock on the side of the hill. I was thinking how full of the spirit of St. Francis this place was when I was struck by a thought. In Providence's immense goodness I realized that as a result of his life and sainthood, the spirit of St. Francis was the very spirit of God. I still can't really describe it but for probably one of the first times in my life I realized that I was completely in the presence of God. I can still see those simple unassuming trees moving in the breeze in front of me and I imagine I probably always will. After sitting there in awe for a while I walked back down to the hermitage because it was about time for mass. The rest of the weekend it was a bit of a challenge to restrain from singing every hymn I knew in praise of His goodness. As I was walking into mass one of our RA's, Mary, stopped the little group I was with and asked if anyone would like to serve or lector. I was almost to volunteer to read because I have always loved doing that for mass, when Mary asked me to serve. After I agreed to I realized that it had been a real example of obedience and as I served during mass it was with the knowledge that I was exactly where God wanted me to be doing exactly what he wanted me to do because I had said yes to His request through my RA. The gospel at mass also struck me. It was the story of the storm at sea when Christ was sleeping in the stern. After the apostles in their fear woke Jesus he rebuked them saying "Why are you terrified? Do you not yet have faith?" What an answer to my prayer the night before on that hill overlooking Assisi and what call teaching us how to live our lives, with faith. As we were walking back down to Assisi that evening David Ringwald, one of my former roommates, mentioned how much he would love to be up at the hermitage at sunrise. Instantly, with out really thinking about how crazy it would be to wake up early enough to walk for an hour in the dark to get back up to the hermitage, I said yes. God wanted me there though, and inside myself there was something that knew without a doubt that I should go with David.
The next morning to my amazement I woke up immediately when my alarm went off just before 5 am. That never happens. I am so not a morning person and it normally takes a good number of snooze buttons before I can drag myself out of bed. But God had plans for me that morning. As we took off back up the mountain that morning in the dark it started to feel a little stupid because our legs were still really sore from hiking that way the day before. Knowing what lay at the end of the road helped though and we were making really good time. As we were taking one particularly dark and steep shortcut off the road something started to feel a little weird about the trail. When we got back up to the road we realized the strange stuff underfoot was snow! Overnight it had snowed on the mountain and there was about an inch of immaculate, untouched snow starting about halfway up. It was still really too dark to see much but just the pure presence of the snow left us both in awe. When we reached the gates of the hermitage about 6:30am in the predawn darkness we realized it didn't open until 7 and so we decided to say morning prayer under the little light at the gate. The setting was profound but the morning prayer from Liturgy of the Hours seemed to be coming directly from the mouth of God to us at that exact moment. I think David must have had his week and readings markers messed up because I have been completely unable to restructure it looking through my brievery. This incredible morning prayer reached it climax at the Canticle of Zechariah which was "Jesus rose early in the morning and went up to a quiet place to pray." All glory and praise to God. As the dawn slowly came, we started to realize in the gathering light just how stunning our surroundings were. It didn't even matter to us when the gates never opened at 7. We ended up going back down the mountain without ever going in but our joy was in no way diminished. As we were going down the mountain I asked David if I could have his brievery so that I could read the psalms as we were walking down, and he in turn asked me if I could read them aloud. So we walked down the mountain taking turns reading the psalms out of Office of the Readings. Between the morning prayer and the office I can recall some of the psalms that we prayed. Among them were: "Who can climb the Lord's mountain and stand in His holy place? The man with clean hands and a pure heart, who desires not worthless things" and "Grow higher ancient doors let Him enter the King of Glory (slightly ironic as the gates never opened) and "Come, let us climb the LORD'S mountain, to the house of the God of Jacob, That he may instruct us in his ways, and we may walk in his paths." As went down the mountain I felt like we were two heralds coming down from God's mountain proclaiming the Good News. As we rounded the last corner and Assisi came into view we marveled again at God's goodness because even though it had been around 30 minutes since dawn the sun was just starting to hit the clouds above Assisi coloring them rose. As we neared Assisi and looked back up the mountain I was in a bit of disbelief that only a few minutes ago we had truly been standing in God's holy place. How clearly Providence had willed for us to be there at exactly that point in time! God is so good!
It's probably easy to understand then how my entire semester since then has been changed by this amazing weekend. I'm still thinking about the lessons I learned about obedience, sacrifice, and above all His abounding love for us. Hope that despite the length, this post was half as enjoyable to read as it was to write. If nothing else it was so good for me to sit and recollect this profound movement of God in my life. Maybe take some time and think how He has been working in yours. And may the peace of God that surpasses all understanding guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus!

Blessings

2010-01-26T14:59:00.000-08:00

Greetings from Rome! This week the reality that I'll actually be in an academic setting in Italy, rather than just touring Rome the whole time began to set in. This adds a sacrificial element to this blog, because while I would like to be sleeping right now, I'm instead going to offer that up for all of you and write anyways.

There have been a few things this week that have been really incredible. First off, Saturday morning we had a school scavenger hunt in Rome, which was alright. The amazing part though was when I went to the Basilica of St. John Lateran that morning with a few friends. The Basilica is beautiful but the really profound part was when we went to the Basilica's Baptistry across the street. For those of you who don't know, the baptistry is the site of the Holy Stairs which Christ ascended to be judged by Pontius Pilate. According to tradition, they were brought to Rome by St. Helen in the 4th century along with the true cross. The steps are marble and have been covered by wood to protect them but there are slits so that pilgrims can still see the actual marble and you are allowed to climb the stair on your knees. It's one of those things I still really can't begin to get my head around. Father Hoisington had earlier told me to think about how many saints had walked the same streets of Rome that I was walking, and while we were at the Holy Stairs I kept thinking that God has walked these steps that I am kneeling on. One other comment on the stair, if you can see in the picture, at the top of the stair is a painting of Christ crucified. As I walked up the stairs the crucifixion drew nearer and nearer, just as when Christ walked those very same steps he was came closer and closer to His Crucifixion.

The next day on Sunday, a few friends and I went into St. Peter's for mass. Mass itself was pretty incredible but then afterward everyone files out of the Church into St. Peter's Square, and then Pope Benedict came to his window and prayed the Angelus with the crowd. After that he gave a short welcome to all the different languages. That was also nuts. I'm still not sure that I believe that I saw the actual pope, wow.

Finally, today after class a friend talked me into to going to mass in Rome at the Basilica of St. Mary Major. The Basilica is to my knowledge the oldest church dedicated to Mary as the original construction took place in the 4th century. More significantly for me I consecrated myself to Mary on the feast day of the dedication of St. Mary Major last August. It was a blessed experience. I was able to attend confession, and after they finished the rosary, before mass, the congregation sang the Salve Regina, which I've loved ever since mt early morning, God squad days at Bishop Carroll. There is even more to my connection with the basilica though. The Church is built on the site that Our Lady of the Snows miraculously indicated in the 4th century. There is also a national shrine to Our Lady of the Snows near St. Louis that my family visited one time on a family vacation. I remember from that trip, an immense, tangible sense of peace at the shrine. That was the feeling I had at the basilica too, like I was home. I plan to go back very soon. One last incredible thing about Mary Major. This is the chapel under the high altar, and it is said that a piece of the crib in which Jesus was laid is enclosed there. Just a little cool.

I have been overpowered spiritually thus far by Italy. It helps that I've been able to attend mass almost everyday since we arrived, and that everywhere you look there's another huge church. Most of all though, I've just been felling extremely blessed. As I've entered different churches and basilicas I've been thinking how people often live their entire lives without ever having a similar experience. I've been thanking God a lot for this incredible gift and blessing and trying to live every moment with the realization that I may never see some of these things again. I hope all of you may be blessed to see Rome some day in all its glory. It is truly indescribable. God Bless!

Rome Sweet Home

2010-01-20T14:12:00.000-08:00

So I figured if there is any day that I should be able to blog it should be today, before classes start tomorrow, and after having been to Rome for the first time. To start at the beginning though, its has just struck me ever since we got here how not American Italy is. I guess I should have expected that but its really strange to just feel like I'm in a completely different country. This is the view out our dorm window, which is even more amazing at sunset.

Probably the most overwhelming thing on my mind though is our first excursion into the Rome this afternoon. Incredible. There are a thousand little tidbits that I could mention but none of them quite seem like complete thoughts. And I guess that makes sense because I feel like it will probably be years before I can get a good grasp of what I just experienced. Two things jumped out from the visit though. First, when we visited the Pantheon also known as the Basilica of St. Mary and the Martyrs it struck just how enduring some of the city was. When I realized that the Pantheon was originally built to worship the Roman gods I was struck that there was actually a time, hundreds of generations ago when those deities where actually worshiped. It was astounding to realize that I was in place that was as old as many of the classic works the we have been reading. I guess I should start getting used to that feeling.

The second thing that was astounding was St. Peter's. I won't say much now just because we weren't there for a terribly long time (3 hrs) and sure I'll be back when I have more of a chance to absorb. Going to mass there was...ha I don't even know anything I could say that would be adequate. It was in Italian so I didn't understand a thing, but all the same, it was pretty crazy. I still can't believe I was actually there. After the celebrant had prayed the Eucharistic prayer which I wasn't understanding I caught the Consecration because I kind of knew what to listen for. At first I was disappointed that the Mass hadn't been in English or Latin so that I could understand what was happening, but then I had humbling thought. How many times have I attended the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass at my home parish of St. Jude's and totally spaced out until I realized it was the Consecration? Maybe that was a tiny bit of divine justice that I was unable to really fully participate in my first Mass at St. Peter's. It also led me to resolve to make a better effort to be fully present at Mass in the future.

Well that was a lot more than I initially intended to type. We'll see if I can motivate myself to do this again before the end of the semester. From Rome, God bless!

Oh and this is the tomb of Pope Calixtus III (1455-1458) which I basically had to take a picture of as he is a patron of the liberal arts.